I don't have a good lead in for this entry, so I'm just gonna say what I have to say. It's now offically winter break, thank god for that. And some time over the next couple of weeks I hope that I see Grace online, so I can get everything off my chest. I have been debating weather to just straight up tell her...or to let her read my journal. I have to do it, one way or the other. I just don't want it to be like it was when Todd asked her out. I don't want her to go around and whisper about it. And from what I have seen she has put a lot of distance between her and Todd. Also something I don't want, as I am sure you can understand. I know things will have to change after I tell her, and that I am ready to face, what I can't face though is her getting all weird on me and shit. Come what may, I can only hope that we remain friends. I guess that's it for now. Peace out people.
12-16-01
Well I had thought tripod had offically craped out on me. I was even getting ready to look for another place to build a site. But lucky for me, it decided to work, and at 2:45 in the morning. Ohh well, shit happens. Anywaz, on to the important shit. I think Grace and I are getting along better, and I am really making an effort to be nice to her. I actually got to talk to her online the other night too, although I still didn't give her my site address so she could find out whats really going on. I figure it would be better to wait till I see her on later this week, or sometime during christmas break, so things wont be like instantly weird at school. Um, Megan and I kinda talked tonight, about nothing really, but it was still good to hear from her. What else...oh yeah, I'm gonna experiment with my journal here, make it a little easier to use <crosses fingers>. So if you get on here and something is fucked up, just keep your panties on, I'll get it worked out later. I guess that's all for now. Bye
12-11-01
Well once again the shit has hit the fan. All I ask every once in a while is just to sit down and talk with Megan. But she always has to fucking go because of her fucking brother. Or some other bullshit. You know we haven't really sat down and talked for a long fucking time. And tonight, I was trying to talk to her about our problems. But as always, she didn't want to hear that. She never wants to talk about us, or anything. She always has something better or more important to do at the time. Well I now know that I have no real friends anymore. NO ONE EVER LISTENS TO ME. NO ONE EVER JUST WANTS TO TALK TO ME. I AM ALWAYS THE FUCKING SHRINK TO EVERYONE ELSE. NO ONE GIVE A FLYING FUCK ABOUT ME. So now I pose the question to all of you fucks...what the fuck are you gonna do when I cease to exist? I guess we'll see won't we?
12-9-01
I know this entry will prob. hurt Megan, but fuck her. Never once has she been able to understand that I am just human, that I, like anyother human, has the possibility at any time to develop feelings for someone else. And so she sits there and complains about it. Never understanding that she too, at any time, could develop feelings for someone other then me. She can never seem to respect the fact that I have feelings too. And that I like everyone else cannot control my feelings at any given time. Sure, I have feelings for Grace, and she can't seem to understand or respect that. I have made it clear time and fucking time again that I don't stand a chance with Grace, that it is something that will probably blow over before the end of the year. But no, she has to keep bringing it up. Never droping it, never understanding. Just being selfish. The girl doesn't realize that even if I had the oppritunity to be with Grace, I could prob. never do it because she would make me feel so fucking bad about it. She made me feel so bad about Amanda, and Laura. And still she doesn't let that drop. I told her that I was just gonna stop talking to her about the other females I know, and the reason for that is...she gets to damn jelous. Everytime I bring up some other womans name, I know she think's I'm gonna run off and try to go out with them or something. But you know, she talks about the other guys she knows sometimes, and I don't think..."oh shit, she's gonna go out and sleep with them." I know and understand that she has other male friends, it's just that when she does insane shit, like diving 100 miles to meet some guy she doesn't know all that well, that's when I get worried. But fuck it. I'm done, done with all the bullshit.
12-4-01
Fuck tripod in the ass. I hate it. I just had a very long, very meaningful entry down, and when I click "done" it clicks "haha stupid fucker"!
To start over and hopefully recapture all the meaning behind what I had previously written...
Finally an entry. I am going to try and make it long. As you can see I have changed colors finally, after such a long time in red. My hopes is that it fuckes with your eyes. By now you have read enough for it to work...now look away from the computer screen. It should work...but I dunno, it works with me every time. Anyway, time for an update on shit. Um, Megan and I. Still doing our ups and downs thing. Sometimes we fight about stupid shit, and sometimes we fight about important shit. I dunno, it gets old. But everyime we fight, we make up, and I guess that's what makes our relationship so special. Next on my list of things to talk about is Grace. For some of last year, and all of this year I have started having feelings for her. But I find myself asking....myself....why now? Why after all these years, do you start liking her now? I get no answer of course. But lately (ever since homecoming) my feelings have been getting stronger for her. And tonight, I was sitting next to her at our little orchestra thing, and I finally realized why...
The answer is so simple...It's her smile. Grace has an awesome, no, she has a beautiful smile. As well as great eyes. I mean, don't get me wrong, there is a lot of other things about her that I like. She's nice, smart, pretty, and she likes hockey. Just to name a couple. But some thing is wrong with me. Not her. I cannot ever act like the real me around her. There are a few reasons as to why that is. First off, I am never alone around her. But that shouldn't really matter. Except for the fact that I know that if I could talk to her alone, I would stumble over my words, or say the wrong thing, and make an complete fool of myself. Second, is that when ever I am around her, I am around my male friends too. And when I am around them, I am an ass, because that's just how we are towards eachother. And the third factor. Is that I am 99.9% sure she is back together with Mark. Which really sucks because as far as I've seen he is more of an asshole to her then I am. I dunno. But I do know this, if I want to have a chance with someone like her, I need to straighten up now. I just hope I can get her to read this sometime, so she finally knows, I'm tired of keeping it to myself.
I think that about covers everything. Except for me not knowing the future of my site. I don't update very often, as you can see. But I think that's gonna change. So check back every now and then, and see what's up...thanx. Bye