A pretty good end to a GREAT car year for me. This evening on my way home after work, I was lucky enough to see a 2006 Corvette C6 Z06. It was red, low, and pretty good looking (because they stole the styling from the Viper). It was driving west on Harmony in Ft. Collins. Then after a quick stop in Windsor, I was on Hwy 85, between ?Lucerne and Greeley, and I was VERY lucky to see a 2005 Red Lotus Elise! I've only seen those at car shows, and online, its was kinda cool to see the ugliest car in America on the road. That's it, for now.
12-25-05
I was just reading an old journal. "So confused...so scared...so lost.... So mute...so sad...so frustrated... So leery...so careful...so needy... I want his love....and I want it from here on out. It makes me feel human...like I matter...I'm glad I do matter....at least to him." "Whooo...Prom prom prom prom! What a great time!!! AND....to top it off....Josh went with me...he looked FABULOUS in his tux...and I was told I looked amazing! :) I'll have to get some pics to people....if you want to see.... Well.....I'm mucho tired.....BLECK...bye byes." Guess that leave little doubt as to whoes journal it was. Got me thinking though. It got me thinking about how much it fucking SUCKS to know that when she looks back on her life, and thinks of the happy times, she won't think of me. It fucking SUCKS to know that when she's in a bad place in her life, she won't think back to the times we shared together just to make her a little bit happy. It fucking SUCKS to know that these memories will have to live on with me, because she has no desire to have them anymore.
It also fucking SUCKS to know that she's happy right now. It was so hard for me to think of her sitting with her family and "him" lastnight, enjoying their dinner (which consists of some Spanish dish, and chili for her brother, because he doesn't like what everyone else is having). I knew this time of year would be hard, just not this hard. I hope the next couple of month prove to be better, though I doubt it.
And it really fucking SUCKS that she doesn't even e-mail me now that she's back in Colorado. I figured it would happen, but I had a little faith in her.
I miss you...
12-25-05
Santa comes tonight (its 2am christmas day). He comes to give millions of children everything they've been dreaming of for weeks, even months. Tomorrow morning they will awake, and rush to the tree to see what santa has left, and if they got everything they've been wanting. If only he'd leave what I want. I did not ask for much this year, and what I did ask for was small, and simple. I couldn't thing of anything other then the small and simple, because what I really want no one can give. Unless they are magical like santa. So, from santa this year, I want my girlfriend, some human contact, and people outside of my imme?diate family to be my friends. That's all I really desire this year for christmas. I'll give everything else I got, just for those things...
Merry Christmas all...
12-17-05
This will, for the most part, be my last entry in this Journal. I've decided to take my more serious thoughts and feelings to a more guarded place, which only one person other then myself knows about. For now I plan to keep this one around to give every one a general "day to day" feel of my life, though most of you will probably stop reading when that happens (which is fine, I know I have no life, and no one wants to hear about it). To anyone who *really* cares, I'll tell you where the new journal is at, and how to access it.
As for my last real entry...
Christmas (and the holidays) as I saw it happening 5 or 6 months ago...
I had such big, happy plans. First, and biggest was my plan to actually travel to Ireland to be with Kendra for Christmas, so she wouldn't have to be alone. I'd be leaving this Thursday or Friday, after my mothers birthday. I'd get there and I had hoped we could tour the country that my family is from, and just spend a lot of time together and be happy. After a nice long vacation and some much needed time with the one I love most, I'd return to the states a few days after Christmas, and if I didn't have a job, get one to save up some money for after the New Year. I probably would have spent new years alone, because my parents and my brother would have been out doing their thing, no big deal really... After the new year I would have been anxously awaiting her return to Colorado, for a quick stay for her birthday, and just some time off before leaving for college in Nebraska. If all went well, I had always hoped to go with her to Nebraska, for the long term. More about that later maybe...
Now, I've found out she's coming home almost a month early. My christmas will be a lonely one, and will thus be the worst I've ever had. And my plans for the near future are to quit my job, and hopefully move far, far, far away from this place that has brought me so much pain and missery. I have nothing and no one. I'm going to have the "hap', hap', happiest Chrustmas since Bing Crosby tap danced with Danny fucking K." Good-bye everyone!
12-15-05
Well, recent events have forced me to make a final decision concerning the life of this journal. I know now that I cannot keep it, so I must move it, or delete it all together. It has become more of a burden then a help now, since my parents have become involed in what I've written. I understand that my family members who passed along the information of what I have written had good intentions, but for me, it has gotten worse. I am once again treated like I'm mental, and suicidal, which is not the case. I'm not mad at those involved, just upset that they didn't come directly to me first. So yeah, I must move on now, I'll keep you all informed of my decision.
12-13-05
I'm lost. I have no one, literally. I had two, maybe three people in this world who I considered friends. That number is one less tonight. Actually, has been for a couple of days. To this person, I'm obviously not even worthy of a reply e-mail, eventhough they "need me in their life". So I don't understand why I don't even get a reply to a very important e-mail, where I put myself, and all my feelings out there. I guess I should stop doing that, I obviously cannot trust anyone to take care with my feelings, and me in general. I miss this person, but they have obviously stopped thinking about me.
Then, my delema continues with another. I'm so afraid to express my true thoughts and feelings to this person. They are the LAST PERSON on Earth who I should be "afraid" of sharing these particular feelings with, but I am never-the-less. Some of the things they say to me, though never meant in a harmful way, make me want to explode. They say so much, half of it I can never believe, and the other half just pisses me off. I feel the need to e-mail them, and just tell them EVERYTHING I am, and have felt for a while now, but at the same time, I don't want to because they are the only person who still e-mails just to make sure I'm okay, and I don't want to lose that (which again adds to my delema, because I cannot honestly believe they truly care).
In other news, work, after taking a one day turn for the better, has fallen even deeper into the crapper. Will this never end?
12-7-05
If I could write a song, it would be exactly this song...
"Goodbye My Lover"
Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.
12-5-05
I guess happiness is too much to ask for...
So tonight I will cut again...because I know now that no one really cares.
Tonight I will cut again...and it will be deeper then ever before.
Tonight I will cut again...because I've lost all hope in a better life.
Tonight I will cut again...because no one can be trusted.
I got a letter, a "Dear, John" letter of sorts, between friends though. What did I do to deserve it? I'm not sure. But she e-mailed me, said she wouldn't be calling tonight, and maybe never again. She said she's moving (I'm guessing back in with the man who literally beats the fuck from her). If she's moving, she quit her job. I knew I couldn't trust her, but I let my guard down anyway, my fault I guess.
I guess I'm fated to be alone...
12-3-05
Welcome to December everyone. I hope you all had a good Thanksgiving, and I hope you all will have a better Christmas. Christmas...should be a happy time right? You should always spend Christmas with those people who you are closest with, and love the most. It should be happy, but all too often we get caught up in the "family politics" that surround being with so many in the holiday season. We all get lost in buying presents, making plans, work, and all that other bullshit that makes the happy times, much less happy. We don't focus on what's important, only that which makes us upset, depressed, or pissed off, no wonder this time of year has the highest suicide rate for the year. I hope you all keep your focus on how special this time should be, and try to make it as special and memorable as possible.
With that being said, I will now give you my christmas list this year...
I only wany one thing, my life back. My life as I had it last christmas. I was so damn happy last christmas! Last year, on Christmas eve I met my girlfriend in the afternoon, and we exchanged gifts. I got ticktes to a Colorado Eagles game, and a sweat shirt that says "Avaholic". She got the O.C. Season 1 DVD (the last copy left in Greeley). Then I went to my cousins house, and spent the time with family, and cleaned up at the poker table. It was fun, a good time. I just want that back, all of it. So if anyone wants to play Santa, I'd like my girlfriend back, and my happiness back, it's not too much to ask, is it?