WOOHOO, James Blunt at the paramount on March 30th. Only death will stop me from being there, I'm buying my tickets on Saturday!
1-29-06
I saw James Blunt perform "Goodbye My Lover" on a re-run of Saturday Night Live tonight. The same episode that made me go and buy his CD the next day. Just a couple comments on the show tonight... 1. It's actually better live then on the CD. 2. There are a couple of times during the song where he almost crys because of the emotion he has in that song, which is what makes it so much better live. 3. I couldn't even stop muself from crying infront of my family listening to it tonight. If you haven't heard it, I strongly suggest you buy the CD, there isn't a single bad song on it! That's all, goodnight.
1-23-06
One more hard day...I think. Tomorrow, Kendra leaves for Nebraska, school, and a new life with "him". In my heart, and quite often in my mind, I still think it should be me going, and not him. No, I know it should be me. I know I should be going with her, because that was always the plan, for her and I to go together. After fighting her for so long on moving away from me, and from us, I was finally willing to give up my life, and make the commitment to her, to make her life better. We "fought" over her going to Oregon for college, and she stayed behind. We "fought" over her going to Crete, and Chadron as well, and she stayed behind. She stayed behind for me. And when the time came, I was ready, willing, and able to go for her. I wanted to support her, and I was going to, no matter the cost. But not "he" gets everything I should have...
I was talking to Grace the other night, and told her Kendra was leaving on the 24th. I told her, that even today, if she were to call, tell me she had changed her mind, and wanted me to go with her, that I would drop everything, I would quit my job, pack my shit, and I would move with her to Nebraska. Grace said that's real commitment, I said I am whipped. But it's true, if Kendra called me right now, right this second, and said that she really wanted me there, I would stay up all night and pack. I still love her that much, even after everything...
I was thinking eariler tonight, of the best time's we had together. For me, the first night we met was pretty special. I didn't know at the time that I had found the most perfect thing on the planet. If I had known, I wouldn't have been so shy... The second time I thought of, was one night we laid right here in this bed, late at night. I don't remember what led up to it, but I know that we layed her, hand in hand, her head on my chest. She listened to me talk about "our" childen, our life together. I talked about moving to Nebraska with her, and supporting her no matter what. I talked about living with her for ever, marrying her, growing old with her, and so many other things I cannot list here. She always said that was the best night she ever had with me. And it's the best and most romantic night I ever spent with anyone. And lastly, I thought of the first night we ever spent together. Just that amazing feeling of falling asleep next to someone who is pressed up against you so tightly, so warm, and then waking up to them the next morning. It was the best, and most comfortable I have ever felt.
I would give ANYTHING to go back to Neb. with her, and relive nights like those every night possible.
What will I do tomorrow. I do not know. I'll probably cry, a lot. I'll probably feel the need to drive to Nebraska, and see if there is anything I can salvage, thought I know I won't. I thought eariler that I would listen to all 3 Damien CD's, sing as loud as I could to each and every word, try to remember the sound of her voice singing every word right along with me. The chances of that happening are slim, seeing as it's very hard to drive while crying. So I don't know, it's kinda hard to plan for a day where every plan you've had in your heart for so long, are destroyed forever.
Kendra,
I will miss you more then even I can imagine. You've meant the world to me for so long, and to this day, I still love you as much, if not more then I did the first day I realized I was in love with you.
If you ever need anything, anything at all. A helping hand in ANY situation, even if you just need some cash to get buy on, do not hesitate to get a hold of me. I know I'm the absolute last person you would turn to, but if you need me, I will always be here. I love you Kendra Ann Payne.
1-19-06
Everything I've wanted to say tonight, but haven't been able to...
I love you, and I miss you more then you will ever know. I wish you felt the same. I wish you still loved me, I wish you still cared the same way I do. I'm sorry...
There's more, but that's for later, I have to go now, I need to clear my mind or I won't sleep at all.
1-15-06
Went to my uncles house to watch the Broncos game, and win my money back at the family poker table (which I did to the tune of 6 bucks (pretty good for a very low stakes game)). Had some fun, and some laughs. And then I came home, and my night was ruined as soon as I turned into the driveway. I got egged, again. Most of the "damage" coming to my car, which appeared to be the primary target. I say appeared because all but 4 or 5 of the eggs hit the driveway around my car, so ever did it needs to learn how to fucking throw. My mother tried to convince me that it was a random doing, but it's hard to back that up when my car was the only thing that got hit. So instantly I thought of who would be stupid, and immature enough to do something like that, and who hates me enough to be so stupid and immature. There are only a couple of people I can think of... All of whom live in a small town north of here... At first, my thought was Kendra and Keegan, out to fuck with my life a little more before leaving in a week to start a new life together. Then I realized that, unless Keegan throws like a fucking little girl, it wasn't them Second, I thought Justine. She is possibly the only one with the maturity level low enough to do something stupid like this. Throw in a little alcohol, and some weed, and you've got a really young, and stupid combo on your hands. And after thinking about it more, it occured to me that it could have very possibly been Kendra and Lori. Though I would like to think Kendra wouldn't be that fucked up (though she didn't hold back when it came to hurting me as much as possible in the past) and I have a feeling that Lori would have done something more destructive, like break a window, or at least walk up to my car and just break the eggs on it. So my best guess is Justine. All I know is, whoever did it owes me a couple of bucks for the car wash, and they need to take their egg flat with them when they leave next time. I know where they were parked by where they left their trash. And tomorrow I'm going to the houses with a good view of that spot, and asking if they saw a car parked their lastnight. Grow up, and smarten up people, if you have something to say to me, just fucking say it, don't be a pussy little kid and throw eggs.
BTW, I did take my car and wash it as soon as I got home, so whatever damage you were really hoping to do was stopped, sorry!
1-1-2006
Welcome to the first day of 2006. I hope everyone had an enjoyable new years eve night. I did, it wasn't nearly as good as last year, but it was still fun. I went to a bar here in town with my parents, and Andrea (to be the D.D. of course!). We watched Andrea play darts, and then I watched 40 or so drunk people get more drunk until midnight. It was fun. The weird and uncomfortable thing that happened was, Jim, a close family friend to the Payne's was there playing in Andrea's dart tourney. He didn't even acknowledge I was alive, which was a bit of a surprise, seeing as he was always very nice and polite in the past.
Well, I must be on my way, so here's to 2006 being MUCH better then 2005, which I will now attempt to remove from my memory.