Obviously I am still here. I don't know why though. I realize tonight that I get no respect from those people who owe me the most respect. So fuck it, I am done being the shrink. If you want help, pay for it! I can't deal with your shit, then the shit you put me through after I help, so I quit.
7-7-03
This one is gonna be long...just a warning.
Okay, where to start. Nothing in life is working for me...nothing. I have reached rock bottom, even lower then my arm slashing. I'm always shaking...always on the verge of crying...my brain doesn't wanna work... You know what...It's all because of Megan Roeller. I have done nothing but be the sweetest, nicest guy I know how to be to her...and that is never enough. The "biggest asshole" wins out because he's there... I never did anything to her...I only loved her, that's all I ever did. She could ask anyone...anyone at all... All I ever do is think about her... What have I done to deserve this life? Do you know, what it is, to love someone so much. Okay, now do you know what it is to have never touched that person, and never have the chance to touch them? Never hold them? Do you know what it is to never ONCE look into their eyes, see their face as they smile, whipe their tears away as they cry... All you have of them, is a few pics, and a few phone conversations, nothing more then that, and the love. Do you know what it is to have that love tell you to fuck off...to die...to never speak to them again? I do... I'll tell you...its BULLSHIT, and its HELL. She JUST told me to never talk to her again, to die. What did I do to her? She couldn't name one good thing past my shit list. ITS JUST A FUCKING LIST, ONLY TO LET PEOPLE KNOW WHO I AM NOT HAPPY WITH, PAST THAT, ITS JUST WORDS, GET THE FUCK OVER IT! I honestly dont know what I did to deserve this.
I hope no one expects to hear from me again...I don't have a need to be online any longer, fuck, i dont have a need to live any longer. Goodbye all...
Evanescence
Whisper
catch me as i fall
say you're here and it's all over now
speaking to the atmosphere
no one's here and i fall into myself
this truth drives me into madness
i know i can stop the pain if i will it all away
if i will it all away
don't turn away
(don't give in to the pain)
don't try to hide
(though they're screaming your name)
don't close your eyes
(God knows what lies behind them)
don't turn out the light
(never sleep never die)
i'm frightened by what i see
but somehow i know that there's much more to come
immobilized by my fear
and soon to be blinded by tears
i can stop the pain if i will it all away
if i will it all away
don't turn away
(don't give in to the pain)
don't try to hide
(though they're screaming your name)
don't close your eyes
(God knows what lies behind them)
don't turn out the light
(never sleep never die)
fallen angels at my feet
whispered voices at my ear
death before my eyes
lying next to me i fear
she beckons me shall i give in
upon my end shall i begin
forsaking all i've fallen for i rise to meet the end
don't turn away
(don't give in to the pain)
don't try to hide
(though they're screaming your name)
don't close your eyes
(God knows what lies behind them)
don't turn out the light
(never sleep never die)
don't turn away
(don't give in to the pain)
don't try to hide
(though they're screaming your name)
don't close your eyes
(God knows what lies behind them)
don't turn out the light
(never sleep never die)
don't turn away
(don't give in to the pain)
don't try to hide
(though they're screaming your name)
don't close your eyes
(God knows what lies behind them)
don't turn out the light
(never sleep never die)
7-2-03 (9:06pm)
Well, today, today has been a good day. Yesterday wasn't such a good day, my neighbors left for Kansas, and I am going to miss Andrea so much its not even funny. But today, I had a very nice conversation on the phone with Justine, then, a couple of hours ago, I got a very nice surprise. If you wanna know, just ask me. Oh, and the old flame Laura had her baby this morning at 1am. 7lb 12oz Elise Nyklus King, I should get to see her in a couple of weeks. Other then that, everything's been pretty much the same. Oh wait, I might have a job finally, selling you punk kids cell phones and service, and you know what that means...FREE CELL PHONE! LOL. Okay, well that's all, later.