Why must I continue to do this to myself? I ALWAYS set myself up for complete disappointment. From school to women. I'm just tired of having these stupid, unrealistic pipe dreams about everything in my life. And females, yeah, they are the bane of my existance.
I'm am just tired of these ups and downs in my life, my ups arnt all that up, and my downs are really far down. Shouldn't life have some degree of extended happiness in it? Okay, I am done with my usual bitching now. See ya'll around.
6-20-03
Finally, after so long, I have had two really good nights, where I have honestly been happy. Damn it's been a long time...
6-15-03
Well, everyone else has updated lately, so I figured it was my turn. Yesterday was...okay. Evans day, most boring ever. I got to spend a lot of time with the other beautiful Amanda (Smith). Something really bugged me about being around her though. Every once and a while it seemed like she would drop a subtle hint. Like one she's been saying for about a week now "I'd date you." Then last night as we were sitting outside, looking at the stars and talking, I had mentioned the past, where we would go to bittersweet to look at the stars, and she kept talking about wanting to leave town, head west towards the hills, and find a dark spot to just sit, and talk about whatever. So, as many times as she said that's what she wanted, I suggested we go do it, and every time, she acts like I had said nothing. Kinda irked me.
In other news, Justine, since she pissed me off last night, and promised she'd be on tonight to talk, but wasn't, is out. IF she wants to remain in my life past tonight, she's gonna have to kiss ass like she has never kissed before. Kendra, keeps writing me e-mails, but I don't reply. I probably should...but I don't. Sorry Kendra, when I find the words, I'll write you. I have to make a run to the store, see ya'll later.
6-11-03
School sucks ASS! I missed Evanescence because of it, so I have been fucking pissed off all day long. Once again, proving that nothing ever goes my way. The one singular time I have been remotely close to happy lateley, was standing next to beautiful Amanda, and the beautiful SRT-10. That car, is sexy. Just touching a $100,000 vehicle is like touching a naked woman...its an amazing feeling. It made me forget about everything, life, Kendra, just everything. Then that night...the only thing that got me to sleep over the sound of my dad puking his brains out...was driving the SRT-10. God...I hate my life.
6-6-03 (10:50pm)
Why can't shit ever stay good for me...even for a fucking day? Nothing EVER works out for me. I see some fucking awesome cars, then my day just goes to SHIT. Nothing EVER works out for Josh...Josh's life is meant to be complete shit. I am meant so suffer. Nothing will ever get better...I really want to just end my life tonight....
6-6-03 (3:00pm)
Well, so far, I have had an AWESOME day. Got about 12 hours of sleep, got up at 9 this morning. Then, around 1, I took a drive up to Champion Dodge, cuz I had heard a roumer. Turns out it was true... 2003 Dodge Viper SRT-10. WOW. That's all I can say...WOW. I can say more...like cream-a-licous. I'm not a huge fan of the red color, but damn, that car is fucking sexy. I wanted to hump it, but people probably would have had me shot. Then, on the drive home, crusing down the highway, look over, and on the frontage road...a Red RT-10 crusing next to me. 2 Vipers, one day...hmm, maybe I should buy a powerball ticket? LOL.
5-31-03 (10:55p.m)
I know, its still May, but May was full, so I'm writing in June. Tonight, what was left of my small world crashed down around me. In this short night, I have found out that one of my best friends, and one of the people I held closest to my heart, lied, and decieved me. Tonight, I found out what I knew to be true all week. Tonight, I found out that Kendra and Joe had consummated their relationship. Tonight, I lost what was proving to be the next girl I would fall head over heals for. Though I could never forget what I had with Megan, and no matter how badly I wanted her back, I couldn't stop my heart from being turned on to Kendra again. For the last Month, Kendra has been my best friend. She's always made me forget about everything shitty in my life, she ALWAYS brought a smile to my face, weather she saw it or not. Tonight, I have lost Kendra for ever. Kendra has no need for me now, she doesn't even have the want for me to stay in her life. She says she wants me around, but thats so she doesn't feel guilty about being yet another person to hurt me. I know that she lied, I know she betrated my trust, and I know, more then anything that Kendra can never be trusted again. As much as I want to forgive her, as much as I wanna forget everything, I can't. Josh has to start really looking out for Josh now, or he's not gonna make it much longer.
I also regret to infrom my regular readers, that I did infact take my razor to my arm again...and I cut deep this time...no surface shit... I hate feeling like this. I hate living like this. I am going to have to narrow down those who I talk with to only those I feel I can trust. Megan Smith, Jennifer Newelle, Cathrin Hanson, Shannon Cress, Amanda Smith. That's about it. Tonight I lost a best friend. Tonight, I lost myself...
I'm sorry Kendra, as much as I wish we could make things work again, we both know it would be in vein. You hold Joe in too high of regard now, no one can stand up to that, not me, not any of your friends, no one will ever be as perfect as Joe. Some day you will come to realize the mistake you have made. Some day you will be truely sorry for hurting me. Some day, Joe will fuck up, much like I seem to have failed you. And someday, you will feel the pain and loss that you have caused me tonight. You'd be a fool to think that anything will ever really come of you and Joe. The distance, and the time is too great, no matter how good you think your will is right now, it will fail you. Take it from someone who knows best. You know I've been in more long distance relationships, and you know how they all ended. It will be the same for you Kendra, I promise you this. Most of all, I am sorry I failed you, as a friend, and lover. I will always remember you, and I will always cherish what we had together. I will always wish that I could have done right by you, and that we could have made things work. I love you Kendra... Have a nice life, and Good-bye. I don't wanna say it...but I have to. I want to be there for you like always, be the best friend you could have, be the person you always turned to for advice, for an ear. Shit, remember in your car at cruse night...you expressed your fear that Joe was fucking someone else, and I tried to calm that fear, though I really couldn't? I tried, I tried to make you feel better about it, I wanted to make you smile, make you truly happy. So many things I wanted to say, but I couldn't.
Maybe Megan was right. Maybe you are a fool for chosing him over me. I know I'm better then what you have chosen, and so do many others. I guess only time will tell. This is where I depart you. Good-bye all. Sweet dreams, and happy lives.
~Josh