It happened again, and for the last time. She says she needs her space...she needs "me time" to find herself once again. I don't understand. I try so hard to understand, but I can't. She says she loves me, but insists on hurting me so. Why can't she find herself with my help? Why didn't she try harder when we were together? All she had to do was ask, about everything. That's it...she was afraid I wouldn't approve, but she never asked. Friends, family, music, that's what she's "missing" she says. She can have those things, I just wanna be a part of it...
Is it wrong of me to give the ultimatum? 24 hours I said, take 24 hours to decide, and if you don't change your mind, lose me forever. It took her 13 hours, and 19 minutes. I gave the ultimatum for my sake, for my heart. I'll need time to mend. Much more time then I needed with Megan Roeller, or Megan Smith, or Laura. I'm so very numb. Did I make a mistake? Should I try to be her "best friend"? Or should I hide myself away once again, prevent myself from ever falling in love again, even if she decides to come back? I hate how I was after Roeller, Kendra deserved more then what I gave her to start with, and I deserve more then what she's giving me now. I want to be there for her, be her friend, but I can't hurt like this anymore.
Never in any of my past break ups have I just broken down and cried, right in the middle of my hallway in my house. Never have I been reminded of one person so much, by everything I look at. I cannot even stand to be in my room anymore. So many happy memories, that are just that, memories. Happy memories that hurt like fucking HELL. I can't do anything without thinking of her, and how I will never see, nor hear from her ever again. But that's my choice, and I have good reason. I can't even type on this computer without thinking of how we first met online, and how the internet has been our way to fight, love, get along, and hate each other on so many occasions. We've been through Joe, and high school, college, jobs, boyfriends, and girlfriends, two different lives altogether, and one together. The computer brought us together.
She was the ONLY thing that made me happy. I have no other friends really, no life, no job. I had her, and she made me perfect. Even without everything else in life, even if I didn't have water to drink, food to eat, or air to breathe, she was those things for me. Now I have nothing. No source of being happy, no food, no water, and I sure as hell cannot breathe.
I want to stop hurting. For an hour, I was just numb, I didn't feel a god damn thing. Now all I feel is pain, and tears.
I hope she's wrong about her space. I hope that space feels empty without me. I hope life feels empty without me, and I hope that she feels empty without me. That way...maybe she'll wanna come back to me.
I just want to be happy, can someone please make me happy?
I need a hug...
6-2-05
Welcome to June everyone, and my "monthly" update. How is everyone doing? I myself am not so well. Life lately has been a bitch. Work sucks, and I strongly encourage everyone of you to never buy a car in your life. Work sucks so bad, that I am going to quit in the morning, and try to find something with better hours, and a steady paycheck. Wish me luck. Things with Kendra have been very rocky for a while. The last two nights have been much much better, but it took us two or three straight nights of the worst fighting ever to get to that point. She's out with her friend Lauren right now, and when I talk to her on the phone, she sounds like she has really bad news for me again. I hope not, I can't take any more bad news. So, I don't know what else to say, that was a quick update, I know, maybe if ya'll are lucky, I'll update again if/when I get a new job.