Well, it looks as if kendra's happy about my not speaking to her again. Honestly, I'm not sure if she is or not. You can't really get much from like 5 smilies and "what what", as she left in my guestbook tonight. Confusing as shit I tell you. In the last week I've missed her more then any other time I've missed her, but I also found out that she was nothing that she claimed. So I don't know. I will miss her, she was one of my best friends. And a DAMN good kisser. I just can't stand the lies anymore, she'd deny lying...but I know she did. So yeah, that's about all I have to say. Oh wait, one more thing. If your not gonna sign your real name in my guestbook, then dont bother signing...you can just e-mail me/
5-27-03
In light of the all perfect Joe coming to visit from Florida this week, and making such a great impression on everyone, inspite of evidence to the contrary...I will resign my friendship, and all future affairs with those surrounding the fore-mentioned person. You must realize that there is NO WAY I, or anyone else could ever stand up to the perfection you all make him out to be. And really, no matter what you say to the contrary, it crushes me. Every day I have to live with the thought, and I'm tired of it. I refuse to be second best to a freaking psycho. It's not gonna happen anymore, I tried to work through it, just blow it off, but when ya'll talk about him like he's a god...well, like I said, I can't compete... Here's perfect Joe, and there's Josh, who would you chose? Thank you for your time, and friendships, some aspects of which will be missed dearly. I hope everyone and their love affair with Joe goes well and smoothly. Good-bye.
5-22-03
Well, I was right, my actions on Tuesday night have pretty much screwed up everything... With Megan I mean. Those of you who talk to me regularly know how much I still love her, and how much I want her back. Most of you think I'm stupid as shit for it too, but I disagree... But not that it matters now, I have totally fucked up every chance, weather she says so or not. I wish I would have thought twice, like she wishes she would have with Jeremy and this new guy. She said she didn't care about what happened, but she does, I can tell by the way she acts. I just wish I could show her how much I really love her, and how much it hurts me to be away from her.... I don't know what else to say, I cannot take back my actions, all I can do is appoligize to everyone I have hurt. So Kendra, Cathrin, Justine, and Megan, I am sorry to you all, and Megan, please don't hold this against me...I'm sorry....
5-21-03
Just when I think things are getting better...life shovel's shit in my face. Okay, I admit, what happened yesterday was my fault, and I had it coming. Today, what happened, was not my fault, that was life shoveling shit in my face... I was going over my brochure from the car audio school in Arizona... I started crunching numbers...$6597.56, thats with hotel, plus I have to add in food and drink, so basicly, a nice round $7000. Being the wise person that I am, I kept my calculator working...hired at $7/hr in a job, it would take me 24 weeks to make enough for tuition and hotel....24 weeks= almost 6 months...if I got a job tomorrow, quit school and worked 40 hours a week, not taking any days off, including holidays...I could be there in late November...well, as I've said before, atleast dreaming is free....
5-18-03 (2:30am)
So the e-mail coorispondance continues, and it provides little, to no answers. I feel like I'm going to throw up. I'm shaking, like violently...cold, yet sweating...I'm so anxous for her responses, which seem to take forever...Why do I put myself through this...? Why does she put me though this? How am I still alive...how was I able to shut off the part of my brain that SHOUTS "KILL YOURSELF LOSER!"? Why didn't I just do it back when I wanted to? Even though im not doing it...I can feel the cuts in my right wrist...first across, then down the length...seems so inviting, the infinate blackness of death...Its cozy, but alone...I just want to fucking die..... I want her to die...and her little fuck buddy...i dont want this FUCKING PAIN! WHY ME? WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS? ...I'm too hurt to even cry anymore...its like I'm just so numb, to everything...exept for the fucking pain, nothing matters but the pain....... I'll give up anything to get rid of it now...anything... maybe even my life...
Kendra...Jennifer...Megan Smith...Shannon...thats it, those are the only 4 people I can think of who really, truly care about me, and would really be effected if I died tonight...4 people, so small, so insignificant...or are they? I love Kendra so much, she's been there for me more then anyone this last month or so...Jennifer, shes a great friend, and really trys to keep my head on earth here...Megan Smith...we have such a history, and shes the only one who can both deal with my shit, and put me in my place at the same time (even though I usually don't let her know she's put me there)....and Shannon, though her and I don't talk much, I can tell she really cares...though I'm not sure why...4 people...my life...my livelihood...4 reasons to live, amongst all the reasons to die tonight...How odd it is to have one single, tiny person, cause one other, so much pain... One person makes me want to kill mylsef...one person makes me want to be the sick, dark, twisted person I could possibly be... I'm writing her one, final time, then I'm going to try and move on. I'm gonna try and let everything come out once and for all, I'm tired of keeping it inside...its gonna be a long night, wish me luck...
(2:17am)
I really, truly scare myself sometimes. I cannot deny that something, not under my control is happening here. I know when she's thinking about me. I know when she is writing me, or talking about me, or something to that effect. Example, I KNEW she was writing in my guestbook when she did...I know right now that she is thinking about me, eventhough she's lying next to him. I knew tonight that she was going to write me the e-mail she promised, even before she was writing it. I just knew... It kinda freaks me out, I mean, here's this person, this person I should hate with every fiber of my being...but I don't, instead I have this...connection to her that's just fucking...out of this world. I can't exaplain it, but I hate it...and I just want to know...WHY ME? ...I really need someone to talk to right now....please....help..................
5-16-03 (10:14pm)
So, I attended my second car show in 2 nights tonight. It was pretty kick ass. Lots of awesome cars. But you all know I'm not just writing about cars, don't you? Well, Corvette's West put this one. I went, knowing full well that Brooke Imlers parents were owners of a vette, and members of the club. Bout 7:00 in pulls a Dark Navy Blue Corvette, and behind the weel is her father. So I go check out the car, no one from her family recognized me (thats just like them). I must say, they had the best looking one there, but her dad's a smoker, so it lost a lot of value. But anyway, right around 8:20, when they were giving awards out, I look over, and guess who has suddenly decided to join the party. Yep, Ms. Brooke Imler herself. God damn, she looked so good. My heart drops each and every single time I see her though, and I get quite a bit flustered. But yeah, anyway, inspite of what happened between her and I (and I'm still not sure what that was exactaly), I'm pretty sure that I was in love with her, fuck, maybe I still am. I just wish I could talk to her again, but I know she wouldn't allow it. I'd like to just forget about her, but every time I think I'm begining to, I see her again, and it all comes back to me...god I'm a mess....
5-16-03
So last night was Cruze night in Eaton...It was pretty good. I got to see Kendra again, and that was great. We talked a lot, about Joe, Kent, Myself, Megan (S), Megan (R), and life in general. It was good to talk. I also got to meet Cathrin. She was cool, but different then what I had expected. It's really very ironic...Kendra and I talk about Megan for about a half hour lastnight, and I wake up, and check my mail...an E-mail from Branvenet, saying someone signed my guestbook. So I look, and its a private entry. So I plug in my password, and guess who its from...you got it...Megan. You can see for yourself here. So anyway, now I'm just sitting here, pondering what she said, and waiting for Kendra. I really have nothing more to say, so until next time...
5-11-03
They say that love conquers all. All I know right now, is that it doesn't conquer distance, or the need for someone's physical interaction. But I hope to god, then in the end, the saying is right, my life, depends on it.
5-7-03
Well, I'm not sure what just happened. But I don't think I'm gonna be around for a while. Everything with Megan, and now all my "friends" is just killing me, I can't really take it anymore. I'm sorry for any thing I've ever done to any of you to cause you to hate me, or feel pain from what I've said or done. It was never my intention. I feel the need to address one of you in particular. Todd, I'm not sure why you think I've "written" you out of my life, or have been an asshole to you, I never meant for that to happen. I concidered you a good friend, and while I may not have been in the best of moods when talking to you, it was never my intention to have any of my shitty mood come off on you. Again, I'm sorry. To the rest of you, I'm sorry... If anything urgent comes up, and I am needed (although I highly doubt it) I can be reached by phone, probably. I guess that's all from me. Bye...
5-4-03 (2:05 am)
Another late night entry. Hope I'm not over loading you guys. I don't know if its the time of night (morning) that brings out my rather...dark...thoughts, or if its just because I've had an entire day to think about it. Probably a mix of the two. I almost cut lastnight, and inspite of everything, I didn't. I'm not sure why I didn't, but it hasn't happened. This whole situation has taught me a lot about myself, and about my friends, and about my life. And while its far from over, this situation, I'm becoming more settled into it every day. Even now, as I talk to her, I feel better about it. I leave you tonight with a new song...
Evanescence "My Immortal"
I'm so tired of being here
Supressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Because your presense still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
There wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just to real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
But now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once plesent dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just to much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd whipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I've held your and through all of these years
But you still have all of me
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
And though you're sill with me
I've been alone all along
5-3-03
She says she needs to get her shit together, so she can't be with me... How does that work? She doesn't even tell me whats really going on anymore, she doesn't even tell me what she's feeling... How can you say you love some one so much, then do this to them? I can understand her needing to get her shit together, but am I not part of that "shit"? She said she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me, if that were true, then yes, I am a huge part of that "shit" and I always will be. If I do wait for her...how do I know this won't happen again? Everyone goes through hard times, but I can't be the person she throws away every time she needs to sort things out. I AM PART OF THINGS... or so I was lead to believe... From what I was told by her, and her family members, all she ever used to do was think, and talk about me...she'd find a way to include me in ever conversation she had...and now this...how do we get from one, to the other...? There has to be a better explination...there has to be... I told her that there's a large chance that her and I would never get back together, and asked if she was willing to take that risk...her answer, of course, was yes. God I hope she realizes she made a mistake.......cuz she did......... I was just reminded of a time not too long ago...before the first of the year. I had just realized I had feelings for Kendra, and I needed some time to think about things...to "get my shit together" is what I said...I asked her for a break, she said something I will never forget..."I'm not going to wait for you Josh".......Did she ever really love me?
5-2-03
Well, the pain is worse as I think about things. Why, why me? Why do I have to have the worst luck in my love life? Nothing ever goes right for me. On top of all that shit, I was able to find out who my real friends are. Some were surprising in which direction they took. So, what now? I find it 99% likely that I will ever see Megan online, and 100% likely to never meet her. Another long distance relationship ended prematurely...how fucking SHITTY is that? I have, what, 3 girls in this area who have wanted something with me for a while now, and each one I had to say "too bad" to because I was with Megan. This one really hurts...and it will take me a long time to get over. I never asked much from her, I just wanted to talk to her on a regular basis, but most of the time, that was too hard. She never really included me in her life these last few months... She was always too busy for me. Why me........?
5-1-03
What a start to May. I had good feelings about this day too... Megan has offically ended things with me, so once again I am single. I can't even begin to describe the pain I feel right now. I thought her and I were going to be together forever. I'm too upset to even cry. I think I'm gonna take up cutting again, it just hurts too much...