Just when things were looking up. I take the unexpected slap in the face. As always. I guess a person isn't allowed to have a bad mood without a reason. Hey, we've all been in that situation, and no one ever cares much...unless is my sorry "selfish" ass. I learned tonight that Megan has very selective hearing. Which disappoints me. I've explained to her time and time again why I broke up with her, why I stopped having feelings for her etc. But did she listen, obviously not because she asked me yet again tonight, why... She also accused me of not trusting her, which I explained more then once...I never stopped trusting her, I just said that without thinking. And for the last time ever...I will explain to you Megan, why it is that I stopped loving you.
Now listen very carefully. This is the LAST time I will try and explain it to you. The reason, Megan, for me saying what I did...is that what you said to me, the things you said, they hurt that fucking bad. You just had to fucking go there. You couldn't leave the past out of it. And that fucking hurt. I thought you were beyond that, I thought you were better then that. But you brought it up anyway, and that fucking hurt. Now I know I've hurt you plenty in the past, and I'm surprised that you didn't take the road I did. But I guess that means that you're the stronger one here.
There, read that a couple of times, let it sink in. Because that's the last time I say it. And tonight Megan, you went there again. I thought that you were finally ready to accept the future, and forget the past. But you had to go back to the fight. You had to say your piece. And just when things were for the first time in months, looking up for us. Well, I hope you're happy. We are back to square 1. You said what you wanted, I had my reply. And we are back where we started with this whole mess.
This day started out all right...I watched the first half of the CU vs. Nebraska game. And CU kicked the crap out of the corn-fuckers. But then my Mom brings in the mail...in which are my SAT scores. I thought "no big deal" and yet, I got a huge fucking deal. I got the pleasure of learning that I won't be attending college with Megan next year at CSU. Then at 9 tonight...I run to the computer to get online and talk to Megan. But I find that my brother is on it, and I cannot talk to her. 9:30 rolls around and his fat ass finally gets off, so I rush and get on. Luck enough for me, Megan is still signed on. I IM her expecting to have prob. a quick convo due to the late time. And what do I get, Jamie, not Megan on Megan's s/n. So my day pretty much fell apart. But fuck it. I don't fucking care anymore. Fuck everything and everyone. See you all much later.
11-17-01
Okay, Megan has been telling me to update for quite a while now. So here I am. Last night I was watching T.V. and thinking of things to write about. And of course, I had tons of things. But today, I can't remember a damn one of them. I'll start with the news that I got a new computer. It is very sweet. Much faster then the old piece of shit we had. All right, I kinda remember what I wanted to talk about. It was my so called "friends". You know, I'm really getting tired of their bullshit. I am tired of being everyone's outcast friend. The friend no one really wants around unless there is no one else around. I am tired of being the ignored friend. I am tired of giving you all respect, respect which some of you don't deserve, and getting nothing in return. I am sick and fucking tired of always being there for any of you, and you never giving me the time of day. I am tired of being the friend that is never invited to any after school activities, or to parties on the weekends. I am tried of being the friend that no one ever thinks about. Sometimes I wonder if I were to never show up at school again, would anyone notice? I know one person would. Grace, but that is only because she wants me there for orchestra because she doesn't want to be alone with chris. Ya'll might be asking, "why dont you get new friends then?" well, the reason is simple. You are the only ones in my pathetic high school life that have accepted me. My looks, the way I talk, my style etc. Now you may be thinking "Isn't that enough?" the answer, fuck no. Hardly any of you think of me ever. When you are plaining on doing shit on the weekends, do you invite me? No. Do you invite me for, say a game of hockey after school? No. Do you ever invite me out to lunch? No. So now I pose the question to you all, why? You know, even my 13 year old freak brother has more of a social life then I do. That is fucking pathetic. I am a senior in high school, as are most of the rest of you, and I have known you all how fucking long? And you still treat me like this? That's totally fucked up. Well all right then, that covers everything I needed to say. Lates
11-2-01
Well, I was just informed that my journal is "stupid"...and that my friends is a direct quote. I will keep the name of the person to myself for now. But this person was the only reason I kept this damn site going this whole time. Now I guess this person has taken for granted exactally how helpful my journal is to us. I mean, if I couldn't vent to this...guess who all my anger and frustration would end up towards? So anyway, I have the SAT's tomorrow <shivers> and on a good note, I get to meet the ever lovely Beth. And as an added bonus...we get to watch West beat the living shit out of her school Skyline. Well okay, that's all for this stupid journal entry...until the next stupid entry...bye.
11-1-01
This is actually off my usual topic of my self loathing, or my girl problems. I know some of you are happy for that. Actually tonight I'll be talking about religion. For those of you who don't know, I am a satanist. Sure sure, make your petty judgements, but please note, that for those of you who are christian, that by judging me, you are commiting a sin. The bible says to not judge those around you, but to let god judge them as the reach the gates of heaven. But god also says to judge so you can keep you, your family, friends, and things safe. So does this mean god is a hypocrite? Hell yes it does. And lookie here, being a hypocrite is also a sin. Go figure. So does this mean god is in hell. I would think so. Doesn't the bible also say that god forgives all? If so, then why do christains believe in a hell, in a satan? Is there not a commandment that states "thou shalt not covit thy neighbors wife." Did Adam and Eve's son not have sex with his own mother...and in that one act commit 2 sins by committing an act of incest? Also on eve's part? And were not adam and eve the first sinners...as well as the first to listen to "satan" on top of being the first "created humans". Face it, christians created sin, christians created the Devil, they created evil. They have made satan more powerful then their own god. Satan is the ultimate god. Time for christians to open their eyes and realize the truth. Well, that is all for now. See ya'll later.