Everything has fallen apart again...
Why does that always/only happen to me?
Why am I even posting, no one cares enough to read...
I'm sorry for everything I have done, and am about to do...
11-15-05
I get to my first dealership this morning, and SLOWLY do my work (it was in the teens with the wind chill I'm sure). When I wrap it up, I decide to take advantage of the high speed wireless internet connection. I sent out an e-mail the the lady who runs the police academy at Aims, asking her if it's possible for me to start at semester, she didn't reply. Instead, I saw something in my in box that made my heart skip, and my hands shake violently and uncontrolably. I had recieved another e-mail from Kendra. I'm assuming she read my previous post, and said that if I wanted her completely gone from my life so bad, I should take down the letters to her, and pictures of her. I just stared in disbelif. First, if she honestly thought that I wanted her completely gone, why would she write? Why throw another wrench in the works? Second, I'd guess that my offer to sell the ring would give her the idea that I'm trying to remove everything of her from my life. Incorrect. The offer to sell the ring was meant for two things, first, to get rid of a broken symbol of a happy, turned borken, relationship, second to get a little more cash for school. She was always reluctant to give it back, I'm not sure why. I'd imagine it would make her new love upset to see it, like it made me upset when she'd wear the necalace Joe gave her. Such is life I guess.
When she e-mailed me back on 10-24-05, I began to write her back. I got a lot written, and most of it was the hurtful, mean shit I was feeling at the time. I've never sent that letter back. I'm not sure I can handle any sort of open communication right now, because her e-mailing me in the first place hurt, and made me question a lot of things. In a way I'm glad she did, because I see things a little more clearly now. I guess, when the time is right, I'll send the new letter. Until then...
Kendra, I'm sorry to use this to reply to you. I'd do it more privately, but I'm afraid that anything I might say if my emotions got the best of me would ruin the meaning of my letter.
I must go now, goodnight all!
11-13-05
Last night, I had the most vivid dream about a someone. Generally I do not dream about my friends, family, loves (current or ex), but this time it's different. I have many dreams, too many probably. Last night, we were at a resturant. I'd imagine it was Wendy's though I am not sure. She was on the bench seat of the booth, and I was in the chairs on the other side. We were both smiling, we were both happy. I remember playin with something, I was probably rolling up a straw fro her to flick like I always did after our dinner. Just then Justin Timberlake's "Cry me a river" came on, and we both instantly smiled. I knew that she loved me singing that song to her, and so I did, right in Wendy's I'm usually a shy singer, but not that night, I sang for her right in the resturant. I didn't get more then a couple of lines out before I woke up though... I've been singing that god forsaken song all day. Then all day long it seems like everything has been all about a life time love, and it just makes me think. All the hopes I had for my future with her. Spending Christmas with her in Ireland. Being with her in Nebraska. Going wherever her teaching job may take her. Marrage. Showing up at her school on my days off to be Mrs. "A's" special helper. Having kids of our own. She made a lot of sacrifices for me, like giving up going to Oregon, and staying at UNC for a whole year so she could get her education and be with me, and I was ready to start giving back. Too little too late I guess... I don't blame myself though, I can't. I know it's not my fault.
Okay, now, I think I am ready to sell the ring. The first $50 offer gets it! I paid $99.99 before tax, something like $125 after and with the warranty (which comes with it, freshly renued). It also has the box, and the Wedgewood china "keepsake box" which will all be included. If you are wondering why I am selling it, it is because the meaning of the ring was destroyed, and it hurts me so much to look at it anymore. So yeah, 50 bucks, anyone can have it, just ask. That's all for now.