Well, today sucked. Cold, and rainy all fucking day long. Not to mention it's Sunday, so I have to go back to work tomorrow. But I did get out of the house, to go to the mall, which is hard enough, from all the memories it brings back, but the reason I went made it even harder. I had to go and get the warranty updated on the ring I gave Kendra, and get it cleaned. It sucks, she didn't even keep it for 6 months. It hurts me to have it around too, I can't look at it without remembering how much she loved it, and how happy she was when I first gave it to her. So yeah, I am very tempted to sell it, because I'm almost 100% positive that she's never coming back. But anyway, it's late, goodnight everyone. Happy halloween.
10-23-05
Part 1
She seems dressed in all the rings...of past fatalities
So fragile yet so devious...she continues to see
Climatic hands that press her temples and my chest
Enter the night that she came home...forever
Oh...she's the only one that makes me sad
My dahlia, bathed in possession...she is home to me
I get nervous, perverse, when I see her it's worse
But the stress is astounding
It's not or never she's coming home...forever
Oh...she's the only one that makes me sad
Hard to say what caught my attention
Fixed and crazy...aphid attraction
Carve my name in my face...to recognize
Such a pheromone cult to terrorize
I won't let this build up inside of me (x4)
I'm a slave and I am a master
No restraits and unchecked collectors
I exist through my need...to self-oblige
She is something in me...that I despise
I wont let this buld up inside of me (x8)
She isn't real...I can't make her real (x4)
Part 2
She seemed dressed in all of me
Streched across my shame
All the torment and the pain
Leaked through and covered me
I'd do anything to have her to myself
Just have her for myself
Now I don't know what to do
I don't know what to do...when she makes me sad
She is everything to me
The unrequited dream
A song that no one sings
The unattainable
She's a myth that I have to believe in
All I need to make it real is one more reason
Now I don't know what to do
I don't know what to do...when she makes me sad.
But I won't let this build up inside of me(x4)
I catch in my throat
Choke
Torn into pieces
I wont...No
I don't wanna be this
But I won't let this build up inside of me (x4)
She isn't real....I can't make her real (x2)
10-22-05
A pseudo good entry, before shit hits the fan and I question everything I know...
Um, I'll start off with the bad news, a year ago yesterday grandpa died. I miss him, and I actually cried for him yesterday.
Now, for the good. This new job of mine has been pretty damn good. The biggest perk so far, getting to play with hundreds of different cars. And even driving them. Like what you ask? Well, I'll tell you! Notables include, a 2004 Subaru WRX STi (in rally blue!) a Porsche 948 and 911 Carerra Convert., countless Mustangs, both GT's and V6's (no new body styles yet though). Um, Audi TT, Mazda RX8, Jag. X-type, Crossfire, Mercedes something or other and a Mercedes G500 wagon ("G" wagon if you a pimp ass raper with WAY too much money ($90,000 truck))...and probably my two favorites (other then the WRX and Crossfire for those who really know me) would be a 2006 Dodge Charger R/T (yeah, it's gotta HEMI) and a Chrysler 300C (yeah, it's got one too)! The charger scared the shit out of me when I hammered it, you'd never guess the kinda power that fucker has. Other then that, nothing to report really. The pay kinda sucks, and ALMOST has me wanting to go back into sales just to make some money to pay off my bills (my last check from Chevy would have paid off all my bills, and left me with a little fun money). I guess we'll see. That's all, so until next time, when I contemplate life, for all its worth...
10-19-05
I guess I was wrong, Megan isn't the only one who reads this. Hell, maybe for the other person it was a one time deal, maybe it's a regular thing, I dunno. I really don't know how to address this situation. I am very confused about what to do. There are a couple things I could do, but I'm not sure what I should do. I'll probably end up doing something that fucks up all my progress, and makes everyone around me angry, just because I'm a moron.
Work, is work, life, is slow, money, is tight, and powerball sucks. Other then that, nothing's changed.
Before I delay it anymore, I need to say something to most of you, because I don't think I've said it yet. To those of you who helped me through the rough shit a couple of months ago, thank you. I honestly don't believe I'd be alive if it weren't for you. So, Grace, Jen, Megan S. and Megan R. and even Justine, thank you for your help, and support. I love you all.
10-10-05
Well, today has been hard, to say the least. It's the first day in a very long time where I have thought of "Payne" for most of the day. It's really sucked. I even cried, but I haven't cut yet. I hate thinking about her, it's such a waste of time, and energy. I have more important things to think about, and? to worry about. Like, all the good things that have been happening. Work, reconnecting with old friends, hockey, getting a cell phone, stupid shit like that...
Megan Roeller and I have been getting along better then ever. We talk on the phone every night for hours at a time, and we have a lot of fun doing it. It's nice to see that her and I can still get along so well after all we've been though, and it's fun to rediscover all the reasons why I fell for her in the first place. It's also fun to here her child say "fuck" over and over again while she bitches about it. But anyway, that's just a quick update, for no reason, because I'm sure that after the past couple of months events, Megan R. is the only one who reads this anymore, and she knows all of this shit already.