Weekly forecast for all the major
Starched Plus shows
1)
Kasautii Zindagii Kay
Anurag and Prerna stare each other in the face with their `intense
look #1’. (not to be confused with intense look
#2, intense look #3 or intense look #4 which are all pretty much the same, but
are exercised at different points during the show). They share the frame, one gangly
kid called `Prem’ and their overwhelmingly bad
acting skills. Unfortunately, they share no chemistry. Komolika
struts into the frame with her pendulous gait and that `nikkaaaaah’
background score that if you hear one more time, will make you want to puncture
your own ear drums with a screwdriver. She looks at the camera and speaks aloud
her malicious plans of destroying Anurag and Prerna, even if she has to go through all the men in the Basu Khandan to achieve her goal.
She also hatches another hare-brained scheme of making crores.
This will involve a video tape, some photographs, that moronic small time thief
and a whole bunch of `zaroori kaagzaat’.
Cut to – Rishab Bajaj. Rishab Bajaj will be sitting in his mansion wearing a kimono and
making random calls to his lawyers etc from his cell phone. He will cook up a
treacherous plot to win back Prerna, get more money
and make Anurag look like a fool. Thankfully, he
doesn’t have to work too hard on the last one. Anurag’s
father, good ol’ Mr. Basu,
will be sitting around at home looking blissfully placid. Other people walk
around the set trying to look important and occasionally stopping at various
family members’ bedroom doors to eavesdrop on a conversation to pull the
story thru one more excruciating week. Watch out for the special fashion fiesta
this week as Anurag discards all his purple suits to
put on brand new green and yellow ones. Komolika
manages to find even tinier blouses. And Rishab Bajaj gets 3 new kimonos.
2)
Kahaani Ghar Ghar Kii
It’s a big house. But there are a lot
of characters. So they keep bumping into each other. Sometimes they bump
someone off. Which gives the protagonist of this show, Parvati Bhabhi, something to do.
She does her bit of Janki Jasoosgiri
to find the true killer. This week, all the men dress up in expensive kurtas (while at home), and gaudy suits (while at the
office). All the women dress up in the best sarees
and wear all the jewelry they’ve ever owned. Also includes a mind
numbingly boring 10 minute monologue that Parvati has
with the
3)
Kyonki Saas Bhi Kabhi
Bahu Thi
`Grade-A’ shit porridge from Ekta’s little kitchen of horrors. The director died of
boredom. The scriptwriters quit 2 years ago. The rest of the crew is on an
extended tea break. The actors come, switch on the camera, and do whatever the
hell they want. It’s the worst thing to have happened to television.
Watch it at your own risk.
4)
Kehta Hai Dil
Grusha Kapoor redlines the over acting meter making all the
characters that Jagdeep ever portrayed seem
underplayed. Karishma plays the sweet daughter in law
to the tee. So much so that it makes you want to hurl every time you see sugar.
Nikhil vacillates between being the loving husband
and brain dead obedient son with a frequency that leaves your head spinning. Dhruv, the wonder architect boy, tries even harder to get
the one thing he yearns for – a respectable goatie.
5)
Desh Mein Nikla Hoga Chand
The coming episodes will be so bad that they’ll
make you want to moon the entire cast and crew. Pammi
will cry. For just about anything. Rohan
the versatile doctor will grow more shades of grey, nearing pitch black, as he
tries to deceive Pammi into marrying him. Dev/Raj,
or whoever the hell he is, will walk around the sets looking
clueless. Pretty much like the scriptwriters and the director (Pammi’s Mummy – Aruna
Poorani). Anu gets really
mean and does some nasty shit. Jindar (pammi’s dad) the only comic relief in the show will
strive hard thru a hilarious display of flailing arms and legs to convey all
the secrets that he knows. Pammi will cry some more. Anu will get meaner and nastier and make scary faces at the
camera. Sam will continue in his efforts to grow a respectable goatie. The violinist doing the background score passes out
from exertion. After all else fails, half the people will lose their memories
and the other half will get face changing plastic surgeries done. No one will
remember or recognize anyone. And hopefully we’ll have a brand new show.
6)
Sanjivani – The
Medical (Ba)Boon
Everyone wears bright colored clothes and
walks around in the halls of the most cheerful hospital in Mumbai. Dr. Juhi and Dr. Rahul have a fight,
where Dr. Juhi tells him how she’s a small town
girl and that he should stop picking on her. Dr. Rahul
looks dumbfounded. During the fight and otherwise. Dr.
Shashank and Dr. Smriti
exchange coy glances with each other and reminisce
their glory days while their nauseatingly irritating & retarded daughter
babbles bullshit for the next fifteen minutes. Then Dr. Simran
the evil bitch goddess from hell storms in and gets all pissed off. She has a
fight with Dr. Rahul. Then she has a fight with Dr.
Omi. Then she has a fight with Dr. Shashank. And
finally she has a fight with small town sweetie Dr. Juhi.
Dr. Juhi tells her off with some wiseass comeback and
they part ways in a badly done slow motion shot ala John Woo sans the pigeons.
All the patients in the hospital die due to negligence. The doctors are
arrested and Sanjivani shuts down.
7)
Kumkum/Bhabhi/Shagun Etc
Mrs. Goody Two Shoes Bahu
from sugar-land tries hard to keep her husband appeased & her in-laws in a
state of grinning dementia. The other bahu, incidentally
the Evil-Daughter-of-Satan, tries yet again to disrupt the peace and sanctity
of this happy household. They have a verbal altercation with each other.
Following which, one of them storms off into the next room/show/channel. The
one left behind in the frame looks at the camera, contorts her face, and makes
a nasty vow to strike back. Then there is a happy occasion (marriage/puja/marriage-puja)
wherein all the 45 members of the close-knit family are present and smiling
till their skulls pop out of their mouth. The episode ends with someone walking
into a room and the camera freezing on his/her surprised face.
This forecast is valid for this week, next week, the
following week, and for just about as many weeks as these gems remain on air.
Don’t forget to tune in. Logic and sanity are overrated anyway.
Do check in later for more of my random thoughts.
Or read some of the previous random thoughts at the Random Thoughts Archive