Author's Notes: Things are heatin'
up!
"...Me revoici
Cherchant ton visage
Et je realize
Que je devrais en chercher une autre
C'Etait toi..."
- Billy Joel,
"C'Etait Toi"
[Masa's
POV]
I look up at him,
stunned. I can't move from my spot on
the bed. He bought her a ring. And not just any ring, mind you. Oh, no.
A DIAMOND
ring.
An
ENGAGEMENT ring. He's going to propose to her tonight when he
goes over.
God give me strength...
"Why?" I ask, still
recovering from the initial shock.
"What do you mean, 'why?' Because I love her
and I'm willing to spend the rest of my life with her, that's why. What other reason do I need?"
The words are choked in the
back of my throat. "Isn't...Isn't
this a bit...a bit fast?" I stutter.
"Shouldn't you talk to her about it? Or...something...?" I hope he doesn’t notice how desperately I'm
trying to divert this transaction.
He looks at me, confused.
Good, I have his
attention. "I mean...what if she
doesn't WANT to get married yet? Or
maybe...maybe..."
"Masa...I've
TALKED to her over this past week and a half.
I know what she would want."
He turns to head out the door.
"What if you're making a
mistake?" I blurt out. He stops
short and stares at me through amber-tinted glasses. "What if...What if she's NOT the one. What if it's
someone else and you're abandoning them and..." My voice dies on me under his harsh gaze.
"I'm not making a
mistake." He sounds so resolute.
Tears brim in my eyes and I
bite my lip till I taste blood. /I love
you Gaku!/
Silence envelopes the
room. Looking up at his shocked face, I
realize I've confessed aloud.
K'so.
"Gaku...I..." I
hesitate, as he marches back over to him and grabs me, taking my face in his
hands.
We stare at each other for a
long time before he murmurs, "Masa...I love you
very much: as an artist, as a dear, dear friend...but I could
never...NEVER...love you the way you want to be loved." And with that, he releases me and marches
back, once again, to the door. Opening
it, he takes a step out...
"It'll never work!"
I cry, but as soon as the words fly, I suddenly regret my outburst.
He gapes at me. "Nani?"
"It'll never work! She'll never love you! And you're always away - no wonder none of you
relationships never work out. It's
always the work, always the music, always the image when there's so much more
right in front of you. Right fucking in front of you!" I spread my arms. My anger has reached a fever pitch. I see red.
Only red.
Red and clouds and tears. "I would do anything for you Gaku -
ANYTHING. I've worshipped the fucking
ground that you walk on ever since you told me to
fucking 'follow you' back to fucking
There is a momentous pause...
He steps out, closing the
door behind him.
With a stifled cry, I
collapse onto the bed, bury my face in the comforter, feeling my heart and soul
die within me.
*****
He took her face in his hands
and whispered urgently, desperately, "I love you...Je
t'adore...Ai shiteru...How
many ways do you want me to say it before you believe me?"
She could only stare and
shake her head, her lips moving, searching for words. "...I...I can't."
"Nani...?"
She fought to keep her eyes locked with his.
The pain in those dark pools was unbearable.
"I can't."
"Why?" He drew back, numb.
"I have lots of good
reasons why we shouldn't it's just...that...I can't string any of them together
to form a coherent sentence."
"Good
reasons?" He didn't believe
her. "Good reasons why...we
shouldn't get married."
"Yes."
"And...why we can't fall in love."
"Yes."
"And...why I came all this way...just to leave more alone than I
was before."
".........Gaku...I..."
He moved toward her and
pressed a shaking finger to her lips, whispering, "Sh...I
understand..." Walking to door, he
took hold of handle, stopped, and turned to her again. "You know...when I first met you so many
years ago...I was yours. I fell in love
with you right then and there." He
looked away, jaw clenching, Adam's apple bobbing. "All these years...all I ever wanted was
to see you again...like this...like we did...And..." He looked back up at
her, his eyes brimming with unshed tears held painfully in check. "...I've been granted that wish time and
time again these last two weeks...and I should be happy...demo..." He fought for control, turning away towards
the door, closing his eyes, but didn't move otherwise.
Laurette walked over to him and took his hand in one of hers
and with the other stroked his cheek.
"...Gaku..."
Opening his eyes and looking
down at her, he once again took her face in hands, fighting for words but
failed. "...Demo..." He searched her eyes.
Smiling tearfully, she leaned
up to him as they kissed, holding each other close.
Whispering in her ear, he
begged, "Just once more...let me hold you..."
She looked up into his eyes
to find them beautiful but sad. With the
briefest of kisses, she lead him to her room.
He poured his soul into his
caresses, pleading with Fate to let the night last forever.
*****
Gackt awoke the next day to
an empty bed. Alone again...? Sitting up,
he dutifully made the bed and folded the clothes left on the polished wooden
floor.
Hearing voices down on the
first floor, he padded out of the room and to the balcony, overlooking the
floor below, and leaned against the railing.
He gasped.
There was a man - another man
- entwined in Laurette'ss< arms. He swung her around the room in dizzying
patterns. Laughter bubbled up from
between her lips. It was the sweetest
sound he had ever heard...
She pulled away from the
other with a smile and looked up at him.
"So what are you doing back so soon?"
"I got leave. I'm due back in a few days though, so we'll
have to be quick," he stated, winking before lunging to plant hungry
kisses along her neck.
"Wait,
wait..." She once again pulled away
from him. "You got leave? How?
You weren't supposed to come home for another week or more."
"I know, but my boss
thought I'd been working like a mule these past two weeks --"
"Two weeks..."
Gackt whispered. "He must have left
just before I arrived. How convenient, ne, Laurette? You played us both..."
"-- night on the town or
come visit you. Guess which one I
picked." She smiled joyfully and
swung her arms around his neck.
"Hey," he murmured, "Why don't we hop a ride to the beach
or the mall or something? I'll treat ya to dinner and everything!"
"You expect a tip, of
course?" Laurette hinted.
"You bet. Hey, I've gotta go
unpack."
"You mean you haven't
been home yet?"
"Of
course not! I came here first thing since the plane
ride!" He flashed a beautiful
smile. With one final embrace, he kissed
her goodbye and told her he would be back to pick her up in half an hour.
Just as the man left the
house, Gackt turned and shut the door to the bedroom none too softly, and
dressed.
*****
"Who is he?"
"What?" The question caught her off-guard. Sitting in a chair facing the wall, back to
her, was Gackt, his head tipped back to the ceiling, his body dressed, the clothes hanging at awkward angles from his disheveled
form.
"Who is he?"
She paused for a bit, but
answered truthfully. "He's my fiancé
- Michael."
The next question was barely
above a whisper but floated far across the sparse room, borne by the gentle
breeze from the windows. "...How
long...?"
"About six months. He's been away on business with the
company."
He was silent for some time. But then, when he next spoke, heartbreak was
articulated through every syllable.
"Why didn't you tell me...?"
"I...I didn't want to
hurt you...I didn't want to push you away...and..."
"...And..."
"I loved you..."
"'Loved?' As in no longer..."
"That's not what I
meant..."
"I know...I loved you
too...I still do."
"Even after all of
this...?"
"...Yes."
"Why?"
"I don't know...Such a hurful thing love is, ne? I'll leave
now. I apologize for any problems I've
caused between you and your fiance..." The man turned and left, closing the door
quietly behind him.
"Gakuto..."
Laurette's voice was hollow in the unfeeling
emptiness of the pristine room.
"...Je m'excuse..."
*****
[Gackt's
POV]
I left her house in a
hurry. I dressed, we talked, I left.
I drive a few km towards town
and pull off to the side of the road and step out. Standing on the shoulder, I light a cigarette
and sit on the hood to get myself under control.
Everyone comes to a point in
their life when they have to make a choice.
Whether to live or die. Love or hate.
Go or stay. But...sometimes those
choices are made for us. Circumstance
and Fate play cruel tricks on the human heart.
I've come to this point. However, I am also one whose life seems to be
predestined. Laurette
is engaged. Michael is her fiancé. And me...? I missed my chance seven years ago.
I look up at the sky. Gray.
Everything's gray. Gray, dull, lifeless.
How convenient. That's how I feel
right now - gray. Devoid
of any life. My body's chilled. I'm
cold...my skin's a shell.
"Ao
sora..."
Laurette...I gave you everything I could give and I would give
more if I had the chance. But I
don't. You belong to another...another
who is most likely more worthy of your love than I am. What can I give you? You already have my heart, my mind, my love,
my body...Hell, you have my soul as well.
Maybe that's why I feel so
empty...
It's doesn't matter. Take it.
Take all of it.
...And be happy...
[1] "When everyone
sneered at turned away..." = Ano...this is a bit
of a spoiler for a 'What-was-Masa-like-before-JOB' fic that's still only in planning. Just assume his life sucked.