“An End, A Beginning”

Author’s Notes: This chapter fic started out in one direction and, as you will see, ended in a completely different one. I wrote it for the New Years Countdown at the LiveJournal community, Gackt JOB Fics.

He was tired again.

You over-did it.

He floated somewhere in between the spheres – just being.

You need to stop this.

He wanted to shut her voice out of his head or at the very least, shut her up.

You’re messing around with MY charge, here. I’m not leaving.

Gackt opened his eyes with a groan and once again found himself seated on a bench in the park. It had snowed and the ground was covered in white. “How long was I out?”

Long enough.

“I feel better. Thank you.” He sat in silence when the other didn’t respond. He grimaced. “You were there in the apartment with us, weren’t you?”

You may be my responsibility as far as headquarters is concerned, but dammit Gaku…You’ve been fucking with his head so bad, I’ve been getting little red invoices from the up-and-ups regarding his mental state. And no, the voice added when Gackt opened his mouth, I will NOT sit with you. You think you’re tired? You’ve got no idea – I’m the one who had to keep you from killing him because you let your guard down. If I hadn’t torn him off of you, both of you would currently be some other sphere’s problem.

Gackt winced at that. “I’m sorry,” he murmured, lowering his eyes to the hands clasped in his lap. He wrung his fingers, twisting them till joints popped. “I didn’t mean for all of this to happen…I just…” Closing his eyes, he leaned forward to rest his elbows on his legs and bury his face in his hands, unable to fight back the tears which came so suddenly.

You missed him, she said after a moment of thoughtful silence.

“Yes,” he choked.

There was a breeze which kissed his cheek, but sounded far too much like a heavy sigh. When one lover leaves the other behind, longing and sadness and all of that is part of the package. But like all things, the world keeps turning, and you move on.” Her voice left his head and drifted into the air as she solidified and slipped easily into the seat beside him, pulling her dark hair up behind her ears and pinning it back. Turning finally to look at him, she touched his shoulder. The caress was sympathetic, but there was a warning lying just underneath it. “I pulled you into all of this because I knew you were one of the stronger ones. For all your gentleness and distraught moments, you still burn bright.”

She took his chin up and wiped away the tears on his cheeks. “I knew that you would be someone people could – and would – follow. I saw that back when you were little, and that fire never died down.” She smirked then, looking at him, “Willful and stubborn all the way till death.” She laughed and pulled away, leaning back against the bench. “Willful and stubborn beyond death, for that matter.”

“I can’t just leave him, not now—”

“I know that. You’ve opened up a wound that should’ve been left to heal. Whether you intended that effect or not,” she added quickly, holding up a hand to keep him from interrupting, “you’re hurting the two people you love most now, because of your reappearance.”

Gackt lowered his eyes to the ground, his stomach twisting itself in knots. “How do I fix it?” he asked softly.

“Give them closure. Neither of them had it when you up and died, especially You, who’s now been seeing you on your lunch breaks, from what I gathered.” Gackt winced at this. “You have to stop this. You can meet with him once more, but then this has to stop. So pick your words wisely: give both of them your love, and tell them you’ll see them again, but that’s all you can do.”

*****

You awoke from the nap he’d slipped into in one of the hospital rooms. Lying on his back, he stared up at the ceiling. His hand still hurt and the faint beeping of a machine pulled his gaze back down. Cha wasn’t in the chair next to the bed.

“He stepped out for a moment. He doesn’t know I’m here yet.”

Starting, You turned his gaze to the opposite corner. Gackt stood, his arms crossed over his chest, his face sour. You glanced quickly at the room’s other patient, an elderly man who appeared to be fast asleep.

“Don’t worry – they gave him a sedative because he was ‘troublesome,’” Gackt reassured, moving closer to the bed. “He won’t bother us.”

“How—what—?” You began, without much success as he pulled himself up into a sitting position.

“You can’t touch death. You just can’t,” Gackt answered flatly.

“Then how come you can touch me?” You challenged.

“I can touch you because I’m in control of the connection,” Gackt answered, pacing the room in front of the hospital bed, “I’m in control of the flow of energy – between life and death. When you catch me off-guard and grab me, I’m not and all the emotions, the physical pain, whatever I was getting off of you hit me like a truck and you get hit with the full killing force that’s surrounding and seducing this world around us. That fucking hurts, You.”

“Yeah, no shit,” the other man scoffed, waving his injured hand at the heart monitor at the corner of the room.

“Be thankful you didn’t try to kiss me.”

You smirked at that, but Gackt didn’t return the smile – he appeared to be much too distracted. “What’s wrong?” he asked.

“I’m nervous about being caught here. My partner already gave me a talking to, but I don’t know how many others know I’m here – I’m not supposed to be. I’m not supposed to be seeing you. It’s against regulations…”

“Since when have you ever cared about regulations?”

“Since I almost got you killed. Twice!” Gackt said, turning on him, his eyes dark. Turning away, he seemed to shrink and sat on the edge of the hospital bed near You’s feet. “You tried to off yourself months ago because of me. You touched me because I showed up—”

“I…I wanted to make sure you were really there.”

“All the more reason.” He heaved a sigh and rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand. “I’m in the way.”

“What?”

“I’m in the way,” Gackt repeated, looking at You, that sad smile back in place. “You have so much more…and I’m keeping you from seeing that – I’m keeping you locked up in the past.” Shifting his weight, he scooted closer to You to brush his fingertips along his hairline.

Without looking into those dark eyes, You murmured, “You’re going to pull the disappearing act again, aren’t you?” Gackt winced and leaned forward, pulling You to him in a loose embrace. His voice muffled against the black fabric of Gackt’s shirt, You continued, “You’re warm, you smell the same…God, why…?”

“See?” Gackt asked, running a hand through You’s dark hair. “This is why it’s unhealthy for the living to associate too much with death.” He tilted You’s face up and swiped at a stray tear. “You cry.” When the tears didn’t stop he sighed and stood beside the bed. Not breaking his connection with the other man, he bent slightly to take You’s hands in his, earning him a look of distressed confusion. “A trick I picked up from my partner, who you can’t see at the moment. If you’ll let me, I’ll read you.”

“Read me?” You asked softly, struggling against the tears that fought to control his voice.

“If I open up just a bit more than I usually am, I can read people’s lives. If you’ll let me, I’ll read yours. It will be my…” he searched for the correct words, licking his lips. “My farewell gift to you.”

“Gaku—” You began, but Gackt had already closed his eyes, his fingers lacing with You’s. The violinist watched the man in front of him…change somehow. The energy between them felt like little shocks to his fingers where they were laced between Gackt’s. The room’s fluorescent lighting flickered several times. Turning his gaze up to the one before him, You realized this wasn’t his Gaku, this wasn’t his friend. This was…a god, a god of death. Peaceful and promising, strong and silent…

A tear slid from between Gackt’s eyelashes as he whispered, “Oh, You…” His lips trembled but when he opened his eyes, he smiled down at the prone man. Taking You’s face in his hands, he bent and kissed him. “He’ll be back soon,” Gackt whispered, pressing his lips against You’s forehead. “When he gets here, go home. Then look into his eyes as you used to with me…and you will know the path your life should follow. But that’s all I can tell you, lest I ‘interfere’ any more.”

He slipped his hands out of You’s loose hold. “I will see you again. But not for a long, long time.” Pulling away, he smiled down at the bewildered man. “Be happy, please,” he begged as he pulled further away. “And know you have a long and happy life ahead of you. I’ll wait to turn in my badge until I meet you both again on the other side.”

You blinked, and Gackt was gone. He looked around himself, fighting the sudden urge to cry. He was alone.

Though…likely not alone, he reasoned. Covering his face with his hands, he was unable to suppress a shiver.

“You?” He looked up to find Cha, leaning over his bed. “Are you alright? What’s wrong?”

“He was here…and now he’s gone,” You answered the unspoken questions that were drifting across Cha’s dark eyes. “He can’t come back anymore,” he added, lowering his eyes as he fought back a fresh wave of tears.

Cha said nothing but bit his lip, shifting his weight to sit with the younger man on the bed. Wrapping his arms around his shoulder, Cha pressed his lips to You’s temple and rocked him gently, whispering words of love.

*****

They returned home not long after. You was about to move into the living room, but when Cha pointedly darted into the kitchen, he followed. When he entered the room, he found the older man bracing himself up against one of the countertops, his body shaking violently. “Cha…?” You asked, taking a few hesitant steps forward.

“He was here.”

“Yes,” You answered him, not entirely sure how else to respond.

“And he was in the park. And at the bus stop. And in your house the day he—”

“…yes.”

“Fucking hell, how is that possible?” Cha made some strangled noise which registered somewhere between a sob and a laugh.

“He explained some bits of it to me—”

That was quite apparently the wrong answer, You realized as Cha pulled back and took a hard, sharp kick to the cabinet doors. Turning around in a few circles, Cha seemed to be searching for something, some answer. After a moment, he gave up and collapsed in one of the kitchen chairs, his head in his hands, his hair falling down past his lowered shoulders.

You hesitated only a few seconds before he crossed the distance between them and knelt on the kitchen floor. “Cha…” he urged, “Cha, look at me, please?” Taking the other’s face in his hands, he brushed the dark hair away, tucking it behind the older man’s ears. Wiping the tears he found on his cheeks with his thumbs, he fought to capture the other’s eyes.

Look into his eyes.

You will know.

“I’m not going anywhere,” he whispered. “Whatever happened these few months, it’s over. And I’m not going anywhere.” You waited then with bated breath and a pounding heart… Then Cha threw himself down into his waiting arms.

They held each other on the kitchen floor, sharing tears and compassion. An end, a beginning.