Another problem from Comsie posted in November 99
Here's another one for you guys. Let's say that you have found someone that you honestly feel is your perfect match, your mate for life. He's cute, he's funny, you guys have been the best of friends for years, and he's into guys. You've had a crush on him for a long time, you love him with every bit of your heart and can't live without him. Now...suppose he told you that he is REALLY attracted to you, and wants to kiss, cuddle, have sex, and enjoy all the little things that lovers do...but he's not in love? A friend, maybe. A sex partner, maybe. But not in love with you as you are with him. Could you do it? Would it satisfy you in the least? Do you think that he might eventually FALL in love over time? Or can you walk away from the person you love in hopes of one day finding something more "mutual" in the distant future? Repeated sex and a possible relationship with the one you love, or taking a chance and possibly walking away from your 'soul mate' to look for another. The board is open.
?? WAITING FOR LOVE ??
Well....... here's Com's latest problem as I understand it:
I've found my soul mate in life,
I honestly feel he's my perfect match, my mate for life.... (I've given this some serious thought.)
We've been best friends for years.... (we've shared a lot of who we are and what we do.)
I can't live without him..... (my happiness and future depend upon him right now.)
Now, he wants to kiss, cuddle, have sex, enjoy all the little things lovers do, BUT,
He doesn't love me as I love him.... (many interpretations here and underlying causes?)
<>Could I do it? It depends, of course. I would know if he runs around bedding every cute guy he runs into. We're best friends, right? If this were the case, I'd hardly consider him to be my potential mate for life, not now anyway, and I'd feel cheapened and used by his suggestion of sex.
On the other hand, here are two gay guys who are out to each other and very best friends. I would know him better than I know myself. So, would I? Could I? Definitely! I'd be lying to say that I'd give up what I have and begin a search for someone who will give me everything. Who in RL gives us everything. A friend for years and I already feel that he is my perfect match....for me to feel that way he must be giving me much of what I need already.
<>Would it satisfy me in the least? I'd be satisfied to the max. Maybe more! :-}
<>Do I think that he might eventually FALL in love with me over time? I depends on what he considers Love, not what I consider Love to be. What are the chances.. 20-80, 40-60. A lot of people have difficulty making a commitment to someone else.... fear of not being able to live up to their commitment, fear of vulnerability, a fear of saying "I love You" because of earlier betrayals, a fear of settling into a routine, who knows what else belies their problem. Knowing him well, I think that I would have some idea of the source of his problem (if there is one, of course) and could eventually and cautiously talk him through it (them). I think that I would know if he was worth taking a chance with and I think too, that I'd know in a fairly short time if our relationship was growing or remaining static. At least by then I'd know that I had given it my very best shot and I could more easily walk away.
<>Or can I walk away from my 'soul mate' to look for another? Time is an essential factor here. No I couldn't walk away.... not right now. Given time to work with him and win his love would also give me time to recognize and accept the inevitable.... then I could walk away if it came to that.
Well that's my reading on the problem. I'm sure others will see it quite differently. But, that's what makes us so unique :-}hehehe
Here is a most excellent responce from Lokisdad.... Thanks Tod
Waiting for love
Wednesday, 10-Nov-1999 22:17:32
Message:
38.29.122.156 writes:
Well Com, your topic is right on target. It can be tough to have someone who loves you but not as much as you love him. As long as you set up some guidelines for yourself you can enjoy his friendship and the love that he can show to you.
First, always keep in mind your own self worth. Remember that you are a valuable human being and that you need to take care of yourself first above all other things.
Second you need to realize that love comes in many forms. Some people are not capable of showing the type of love that you might be showing towards him.
Third, things change over time. relationships are not static. He might get to grow to love you.
Also there is the possibility that he may grow out of the relationship. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst is how I try to do things.
Fourth, always remember that you want the best for him and if he's not happy then you're probably not happy. Love him enough to let him go if it comes to that. That's the toughest one to do.
Fifth, always communicate with your partner, if you are honest with him then he should be honest with you. Share your thoughts and feelings. He might have missed something about you and you have a chance to share it with him.
Sixth, have fun. Enjoy the precious moments that you share with the one you love. You really don't know what is gonna happen tomorrow so live today. I don't see what is wrong with trying to make yourself happy. Yes there is the possibility that your heart may be broken next week, but you may get run over by a truck next week too.
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Replies:
No arguments from me. Sure would be nice to know who authored this! :-} (n/t) (Chuck (aka nightowl)) (10-Nov-1999 22:25:26)
the author stands up (n/t) (lokisdad) (11-Nov-1999 00:04:06)
Thanks, Lokisdad! Well said :-} (Chuck (aka nightowl)) (11-Nov-1999 21:07:40)
I was reading this post and thought how close it was to my thoughts and feelings and realized how much it mirrored my own. Jeez Todd are we reading each others minds now? (n/t) (S'Hawk) (11-Nov-1999 00:45:27)