Thank you Bee
What do you see when you look at me?
A person who's down, always wearing a frown.
Why might you ask does she look sad?
because this disease i have is so bad.
As the pain's inside it's easy to hide,
until you see me bent over clutching my side.
This horrible disease is ruining my life,
Will my partner ever ask me to be his wife?
The tears and emotion i just can't take,
ENDOMETRIOSIS i really do hate.
I want to be happy and smiling again
for once and for all get rid of this pain.
But until someone clever comes up with a cure
this damned endometriosis i have for sure.
You may think I am weak. After all, I do miss work a lot.
You may think I whine a lot. After all, I always talk about the imaginary pain I am in.
You may think I am crazy. After all, this entire thing is all in my head.
You may think I am a hypochondriac. I do visit my doctor a lot and take tons of medication.
You may think I cry a lot. I am emotional and full of experimental drugs and hormones.
You may think I am depressed. I do lay in bed a lot.
Well, let me tell you want I KNOW.
I know that I have been sick for years. Walking around pretending and trying to decide when the scene will be over and I can exit stage left. That is the way you see it.
I know that I am not weak. The days I am at work are a victory. A labouring exhausting task just to make it there, complete my duties, and finish out the day. You may finish the day with dinner or social hour with friends. Not me! I spend it crying; releasing all the pain I endured throughout the day and wondering if I can do it again tomorrow.
I know you may see it as whining. But I see my endo as a license to whine. It is my life, not just part of it and I will continue to talk about it constantly. Even though you will continue to pretend not to be listening. Now who is the actor?
You are correct though about one thing. It is all in my head. It is permanently implanted there and will not leave. I will always allow my mind to recognise the pain. My mind will always remind me that I can't go to the party. I may end up in too much pain or make a scene if I have to vomit. And my mind will definitely not let me eat…. What if I have a bowel problem immediately and have to rush home.
You may think I am a hypochondriac. After all I do have pelvic pain, nausea, vomiting, back pain, heavy bleeding…etc. But all of those things are contributed to this one damn thing. It is not your ordinary cold that you might experience. Though that is the end of the world for you, it would be a picnic for me.
I do cry a lot. And you are partly to blame. Maybe if you could just pretend to understand and quit attributing to the emotional pain, I could cry less. You will have no idea what effect your hormones will have on your emotions unless one day, a medicine completely reconfigures them. Then you will see that they do not only make you male or female, but also control everything about you.
And yes at times I am depressed. Lying in pain knowing that the world is going on without me. Wondering if it will always be like this.
But I am not fragile, I am strong. I have to be, or else I wouldn't be writing this. You don't recognise that I have made it this far and through all of this. Surgery, pain, medication; you just see another day with me as being with the whinny co-worker, friend, etc. But I forgive you. I have to because that is the kind of person I am. I will pass off your ignorance and misunderstanding. And if one day it happens to you, I will be your resource and I can say, "Remember when you didn't understand?"
Copyright 1999 Dede Wilson