These are stories that have all happened to me, or in some cases, people I know. I'll add onto here as I type them up, think of them, or have them happen. I think I'll make a "most recent" and an "oldest" story; if I think of something older or if something newer happens, I'll change it and move off the other ones. Some (or even a lot) of these might not be funny to the reader, mainly because it didn't involve them - kind of a "you had to be there" thing. I think if I throw enough on here, this could get to be a pretty entertaining page. Note: I usually refer to the people in these stories as "a friend" to keep things confidential, but if you recognize any of these as having happened to you and think other people could figure it out and embarrass the living daylights out of you with this knowledge, get in contact with me, and I'll remove it.
I had heard before that there was something called an "F-word" that you shouldn't say, but that's when I learned what it was.
I typed "prostate Midol" into Google, and got a bunch of results for humor sites talking about it, so I'm obviously not the first to know about it. I guess the real reason for the warning being there would have to do with urination and all, but it's still funny. On the same topic, I see ads on TV for "overactive bladder" meds once in a while that say "do not use if you have urinary problems". Can an overactive bladder be something OTHER than a urinary problem?!
1.There's a more involved explanation of this on the random page, but here's the quick funny story: My friend and I were outside some stores hanging around, and we saw a police car go through the parking lot. We were being funny and saying "oh, they've found us!" and stuff. My friend made a joke, saying "if we screw the cop, we'll get off easy!" I quickly thought to reply: "So will he!" We laughed and high-fived.
2.This was sometime in early 2005; I decided to be a little jerk and put some kind of weird background picture on my dad's computer. Looking for the most unmasculine thing I could think of, I found a picture of a white bunny eating lettuce/grass/whatever it was, and put it on a pink background in MS Paint, copied and pasted the little bunnies all around the one large bunny (I made smaller versions of the same picture) and set it as the background! The next day, I was in the other room watching TV, when all of a sudden I hear, "Ahhhh, the cottonpicking cottontails, you put this on here!!" I was laughing hard; I had been waiting for a reaction like that!
A few weeks later, we were both having computer trouble, so we had a guy come in the afternoon after I got home from school. First we were on mine (mine faces one wall, my dad's faces the other wall) and after we got it sorted out, he went over to his computer. I did not see what happened next (looking at my comp), so I have to go by what my dad claims: They turned on his computer, and since he never bothered to change the pink bunny background, it was still up there, and the guy's mouth supposedly dropped open! My dad said quickly that I was the one that put it on there, and I turned around a little bit to say that I had put it there as a joke.
After he left, my dad was saying that I should have seen the look on his face, etc. I don't think he really thought anything of it since we said it was a joke, but who knows. Anyway, I didn't expect a simple prank sissified background picture to actually get seen by other people, but that joke turned out well, hahaha!
3.In the Fall of 2004 or so, I had problems with my computer, so I wasn't online for a week or two. When I got back on, I was very happy to talk to people on my MSN Messenger again, and I quickly wanted to announce my return.
As an explanation: At that time, my friend and her boyfriend had cutesy little lovey screen names. They were something like "[her name]'s strawberry tasty muffin" for him and "[his name]'s yummy chocolate cupcake" for her.
When I hopped on again for the first time in a while, I saw my MSN Messenger come up, and my eyes immediately saw her name, so I clicked on it and shouted "hi, baby!" She knew I had been off for a while, so I was surprised that she didn't immediately welcome me back. It took a few minutes before I got a "hi" back. Then I realized the problem: It didn't just say her name, it had "delicious warm homemade food product" (or whatever it was, something like that) after it! It was HER BOYFRIEND'S screen name, and I had said "hi baby!" to HIM. No wonder there was a lackluster repsonse! I explained the situation to him, and he understood and had a laugh.
I told her about it the day after, and she was whining, "You called my man "baby"!" for a while!
4.About a week ago, I was going roller skating, and I thought it started at 6pm (18:00), but it started at 7pm (19:00), so we went to the nearby mall to walk around to kill an hour.
So, I was walking around, and I went into the bookstore. Now, I don't think this will be one of those movies that will fade into the past because it's getting publicity and all, but in case someone reads this in a few years and has no clue, Brokeback Mountain is a (somewhat controversial) movie about gay cowboys. Apparently, it was adapted from a book, since I overheard some guy asking where it was. In response, I heard this bookstore worker guy in a soft and high voice say something like, "Oh yeah, it's right over here!" I almost started laughing right there.
5.I was at a friend's graduation party a couple weeks after we graduated. He had a pool, so I wore a bathing suit with a wrap-around skirty thing (whatever they're called) from the waist down. We had been remarking that day about how the recent weather had been pretty hot, and that it was ironic that the day of a possible swimming party, it was a bit too cold to get in. Anyhow, as the evening went on, more people showed up. People sat around at some of the tables outside and were pretty much playing games, eating, or talking.
I don't remember if it was suggested to me, or if I was the one to bring it up, but I was dared to get in the cold pool (I have a pretty high tolerance for cold temperatures). Most people around me were talking and had not heard this. Before I went to get in the pool, I stood up and said "I guess I have to take my clothes off", as I was unwrapping my skirt and taking off my sandals. This guy sitting next to me didn't know I was getting in the pool, so he turned around quickly and was like "What?!" He had just heard that I was taking my clothes off, hahaha! I guess it wasn't supposed to be "that" kind of party. We explained, and there was relief. The pool water didn't bother me too much, either.
6.So, I've always liked spicy food. I eat hot peppers (jalepenos) on pizza a lot. One day at the grocery store, I saw them by the other vegetables, and I bought them to try them. A couple days later, I got one out, cut it up, and ate little pieces of it. It started off tasting like a regular pepper, but after a few seconds, the heat set in. I grabbed a bottle of water and kept gulping, but the heat kept coming back after a few seconds of relief. I decided to go upstairs to the bathroom (there's a toilet, sink, and bathtub/shower there) to brush my teeth and mouth to get what I guess are the heated pepper oils out of my mouth more. After I brushed my teeth, I thought I might as well go to the bathroom while I was in there. I thought WRONG.
I have to say I'm glad this happened while I was at my own house and not in public or anywhere. You see, when I went to the bathroom, I wiped, and well, since my hands had touched the peppers, and they came in contact with my most private parts, BURNING AGONY set in immediately! I grabbed my bottle of water and poured it on some toilet paper and splashed around down there, but that did nothing, so I raced to the bathtub, pushed on the cold water, yanked off my shorts and sandals (thank goodness that's all I had on, as compared to pants and lace-shoes, that would've been even more horrible), and just got in. I wasn't even sitting down at this point, just standing there splashing the coolness at what burned. What's worse is that my mouth hadn't completely cooled down, so I was drinking water, too! I had to have been there a couple minutes before I could even sit down in the water, and it ended up being 15 or 20 minutes until the whole ordeal was over and it was cooled down to the point where I could get out and walk around without a fire down below.
Needless to say, I didn't eat any more of the jalapenos after that.
7.The day before my senior year of high school started, my dad went in for surgery (I guess minor), and my aunt took him there. I was at home that day, and was getting things ready for the next day of school. I decided to wash some clothes, included the ones I had on. Since no one was there but me, I was in my bra and underpants, letting everything else wash. When the wash was done, I put my regular clothes where they usually go, and my sleeping/pajamas/around the house clothes on the chair behind me (I was hanging around in the computer room) because they were still a bit wet. Some time goes by, and I ended up forgetting they were there.
In the afternoon, I hear a knock on the side door, and my aunt is calling me over. I was surprised and not covered, and since I forgot my clothes were behind me, I thought I put them upstairs. I was shouting "I'll be there in a minute!" and desperately trying to think of what to do. I was looking around and had grabbed a towel, thinking I could maybe say I was taking a shower. I thought about running upstairs and grabbing clothes, but to get there, you could probably be in view of the side door. I somehow ended up whirling around and seeing my clothes, and I pulled them on and made it to the side door as fast as I could. I said hi, and my aunt asked me if I had been on the phone. I said no (I should have said yes as an excuse, stupid me!), but luckily she didn't inquire any further, and she asked what time she would pick me up the next day to visit my dad in the hospital. I saw him there that day after and the day after that, and the next day he came home. A very close call I had that day!
8.How about some Wal-Mart mayhem? First off, my friend and I were hanging out there one night, something we occasionally do. She had recently had something of a fairly local boyfriend who had kind of gone his separate ways from her. We were in one aisle, and she was saying that she hoped she didn't run into him there. As soon as we walked out of that aisle, she spotted him. She told me to run off, and we quickly walked away. We ended up going into the bathrooms after we sped away. After a short time in there, she made me go to the bathroom door to peek out and see if he was around there. As I looked out, he was sitting RIGHT on the bench in front of the bathrooms. I couldn't help myself, the words just came out - "Oh my gosh, [her first name], he's out there!" I jumped back, and she says my butt pushed her into the hand dryer. For the rest of the night, we were half stalking and half avoiding the guy. He probably heard about his ex being there quite clearly.
Another Wal-Mart story with the same person: I remember we hung out at Wal-Mart that day. I remember we had fun playing air hockey. I remember we went back to her house after that. I remember half sitting, half laying on her steps and taking a picture of myself. I remember that my junior year of high school was starting soon, and that her dad was telling me to start going to bed earlier so I could get some decent rest when school started. I remember her cousin being there. I remember I was wearing a black shirt, and I even remember that we were on her porch as the sun was setting, and I commented on how nice it was.
What I DON'T remember at all about that day, not even vaguely, is something she has mentioned several times. She says that when we were playing air hockey, she somehow hit the puck hard and that it bounced up and hit me in the head, and that I was grabbing my head in pain. I have to go by what she says, since I have no clue about it. I remember playing air hockey and having fun, but not that, and something like getting hit in the head should stand out in your mind! She says she's sure it was me that got hit in the head, and she's not confusing that incident with someone else. The first time she mentioned it, I was sure it didn't happen, and she thought it was hilarious. She said the blow to my head probably did something to my brain to make the memory disappear. Who knows, maybe it did.
9.Hmm...how about some stories from the local Burger King? Well, this is from back in 7th grade and kinda dumb: My friend and I both love pickles (made from cucumbers, not THAT kind, ya gutter-mind!). We actually got the people there to give us a little cup of pickles. I was looking at the ripples on one of the pickles, and trying to be funny, I commented that it would make a nice pattern for a bra (because bra fabric often has the little ripples and such). My friend started making jokes about they could make a whole line of it and call it the "Vegetable Collection".
A few months later in 7th grade, we discovered the magical uses of the Burger King payphone. One night, we came up with the plan to call up a random number from around the area and ask for Mike Rotch (sounds like "my crotch", ha ha ha). The first time, I dialed the number and then hung up before it could ring. The second time, I called a number, and some sweet-sounding lady answered, and I just couldn't do it. "Uh, this is the wrong number. (pause) I m-meant to call somebody else," I stuttered out. "Oh, that's okay, sweetie!" she responds in a reassuring voice. We said our goodbyes and I hung up the phone. (How did we even have all this much spare change?) My friend was laughing at my lack of bravery (notice I was the only one who even tried an attempt, hmmmm? lol) and I said I was hoping that some laid-back party-type dude would pick up my next ring and we could have a laugh over it. Well, I was told to just do it, and a lady picked up, and I did just do it. "Is a Mike Rotch there?" I asked, and she sounded a bit irritated (I think from interrupting, I still don't think she got the joke) and said that they weren't. We actually did the same thing at a later date with the name Ophelia Johnson ("Oh, feel your Johnson!"), and that person didn't seem to get it either.
This happened in 9th grade and is pretty stupid (boy, we haven't matured much over the years, have we?). My friend had a boyfriend that had taken off without much reason, so our little plan was: we were going to Burger King, make up a "sex survey", and call her boyfriend's number and pretend we were from a college and asking questions for a sex study. Among the questions were "What is the name of your most recent partner?" and "Have you done any recent sexual acts?" and things similar to that. Generally, things we really wanted to find out about whether the dude was getting with any new people. I even remember my line was to call and say "Hello, I'm Melissa McAngus from Cornell University, and we were wondering if you would like to participate in a sex survey for our research?" (Gosh, now someone with that name (which we made up) is going to search for herself and stumble onto this page, hahaha) Well, it didn't work out, because we ended up getting no answer.
10.There used to be a K-Mart around here that closed down (I think in 2000). They also used to have a restaurant-type place in there where they served food (which is what restaurants do, so I guess typing that it was a RESTAURANT that served FOOD is redundant, and I just keep on repeating myself here!). Well, one day, my dad and I went there and saw a sign that listed spaghetti prices. This sign was humorous for one reason; listed was "spaghetti with balls" and "spaghetti without balls". I guess taking "meat" off the "balls" is a shortcut. (That's probably a double entendre I won't even pretend to understand!) Anyway, I pointed it out, and my dad made jokes to me about how they had male and female spaghetties. A few days or a week later, we were back, and the sign wasn't there! My dad asked the waitress something like, "Where's your spaghetti with balls?" and she laughed and said that too many people had made comments. Heck, the word about that probably drummed up business...
In the months before they closed, that K-Mart had a going out of business sale. A friend and I were messing around in the toy section (because it's just so hilarious that us big kids are playing with toys) looking at the now cheaper toys. For some unknown reason, my friend likes the Teletubbies, so she got a Laa-Laa doll (the yellow one with the squiggly crap on her head, I think). A few months later, I was at her house, and she decided to throw Laa-Laa at me (probably in an understandable fit of anger), and it hit me right in the face. My lips must have come into good contact with her forehead, since a good outline of my lipstick was left on it. To this day, it has never come out.
11.A couple years ago, a dude I'm friends with and I were talking on MSN Messenger. He was playing around with his webcam, and had it turned on so that I could see him. He must've only intended to leave it on for a few minutes, but he forgot to turn it off. After a while of it being on, I see him get up and turn the lights off in the room. I figured he went to bed (his computer was in his room) and had fallen asleep, so after a couple minutes of seeing nothing but the black darkness, I x-ed out the view of the camera. Apparently when someone turns off the camera on the other end, it makes a sound, because a minute later, he got back on and was saying (with an apologetic and surprised tone) that he forgot to turn the camera off and didn't know it was still on. He was asking me what I had seen, and during this flurry of conversation, he related to me that he had been, uh (how do I put this politely?), "having a grand old time with himself" on the bed. I told him that because of the darkness, I had not seen anything except a black screen. The irony is that I would've never even suspected if he hadn't old me all about it!
12.This one was a little way back, too: A friend and I were talking on the phone and she was getting pretty tired. We were having a normal conversation, but with pauses, since she was too tired to keep up an energetic fast-paced talk. After a pause, she suddenly asks me, "Who's your karate teacher?" I said I'd never taken karate in my life. Then she kind of jumped up and said "Huh? What?" as if she didn't know what was going on. I repeated myself, "I said I'd never taken karate in my life...you asked me who my karate teacher was". She started laughing and said, "Oh my gosh, I fell asleep and dreamed that we were in a karate class or something, and in the dream I was asking you who your karate teacher was. I can't believe I actually said that out loud, hahaha!" It was hilarious; I was laughing hard.
After she hung up, I was sitting around in my computer chair, and I happened to look at my Magic 8 Ball sitting on the shelf. A Magic 8 Ball is a toy that you shake around, and a thing inside with answers will float around, and one answer should come up to the screen. A lot of times, the answer won't come up correctly or bubbles will cover it. As a joke, I thought to the ball, "Should we go to Holland and become pot farmers?" and immediately with no problem at all, the answer "Yes, definitely" came up! When my friend called back, I told her, and we had a good laugh over it. Maybe I've found my calling...
To clarify a few things: When I was a kid, I was told about how the body worked for the most part. I knew all about how bodies would change as we got older and that babies were delivered from the mother and that jazz. However, in the following conversation (with typos, bad spelling, and grammar left intact), you will see that I did not know the most VITAL piece of information in the big mystery of where babies came from!
Me: here's something funny I remembered from my childhood today
Friend: ok
Me: I was watching Jurassic Park on AMC or whatever, and the dinosaurs were all supposed to be female so they couldn't breed, I remember seeing it in like 2nd grade or something, and I remember saying to my mom something like "but females ARE the ones that have babies" LOL
Me: because I didn't know about sex and didn't know the males had to impregnate them LOL
Her: LOL wow
Her: do you remember what she said or anything in responce to that?
Me: I think she just mumbled something or changed the subject
Her: lol
Me: I think I thought all females just somehow spontaneously got pregnant, that's so hilarious looking back on it
Her: yeah lol
Her: I think just about ever child thinks that at some point for some time lol
Her: till you eventually learn and all
Her: I think I might have thought that at some point, not really sure though
Me: yeah, now that logic doesn't make sense, because why would there even be males if that was how it happened? (since the females wouldn't need them to do anything) but when you're a kid, you don't sit back and think about that
Her: yeah, I know lol
Me: freakin' insane lol
Her: lol
I ended up not learning the whole deal until halfway through third grade. I had to have been at least 9 1/2 years old, and I think I had training bras by then!. What happened was that a male friend made a joke about sex, and I told him that I had always heard stuff about sex, but no one had ever told me what it was. Needless to say, I got an explanation!
Well, I typed "vlrga" into Google, and the following is a screen cap of the ad that came up:
