In the Year 2000...

From the Genius Conan O'Brien: ***note*** For those of you who may not know, you must say the phrase "In the year 2000" before reading each line. Man will sometimes write "1999" on his checks. Viagra will no longer come in blue diamonds, but in orange moons, yellow stars, and green clovers. Singer Meat Loaf will become the spokesman for a company that makes meat loaf.  Vanilla Ice will become a spokesman for a company that makes vanilla ice.  And MC Hammer will be arrested for stealing a bike. The trend of making teen movies out of classic literature will continue when Dostoyevsky's Brothes Karamazov will be remade as Boner Party USA. All schools will be replaced by a new building called "The Smarty Maker". The color green will be renamed yellowy blue. North Dakota and South Dakota will merge to form a state called "Oh Man, That's One Big Dakota." 1970 will celebraty its 30th birthday...drunk and alone. Canada and America will be united into one country called "Mexico Sucks". The hairbrush will be replaced by a strikingly similar object called the "hairy-goey-where-I-wanty-stick." Baby seals will no longer be hunted for their fur.  They'll be hunted for revenge. The lovable Taco Bell dog replaces his famous slogan, "Yo quiero Taco Bell" with the more direct slogan "Woo-hoo, diarrhea party USA!" Scientists discover that the reasons moths are attracted to light is because they need light to be able to read their moth porn. Men will finally discover that the reason women go to the bathroom in pairs...is to make out. Babies all around the world will become bored with the taste of breast milk, and will insist on a new Koolaid drink: Captain Nippleberry. An entomologist will discover a new social structure among honeybees---there are queens, workers, drones, and pollen whores. Children will begin growing up so fast that the nursery rhyme "One Two, Buckle My Shoe" will be replaced by the more realistic "One, Two, Dammit, I'm Pregnant." Magician David Coperfield will finally reveal how he does his amazing tricks: he's Jesus. Ross Perot is finally elected President.  Analysts attribute his victory to voters' dissatisfaction with Washington politics, and their great fear of his giant robot. Vegetarians will fall out of fashion overnight when plants everywhere suddenly figure out how to scream. During closing ceremonies at Wimbledon, an aging Queen Elizabeth will declare herself champion.  She'll then yell to the crowd, "Hey!  Peasants!  Watch me fly!"  and leap 30 feet to her death. Starbucks makes franchise history by opening a Starbucks inside an existing Starbucks. President Pat Buchanan will build a chain-link electric fence around America and refuse to give Mexicans back their Wiffle balls. The birds and the bees will finally get it on, creating the most feared creature of all time: the bumblehawk. Bob Dole celebrates his 77th birthday in the Oval Office.  Security guards discover him, though, and drag him kicking and screaming back to his tour group. People all over the world are shocked and angry to learn that the billions of dollars they have donated have gone to fight the astrological sign Cancer. College tuition becomes so expensive that only one person in America can afford it.  But he parties too much and flunks out. Jesus Christ returns to Earth but quickly leaves when he discovers the 55-cent Egg McMuffin deal has expired. Life on Mars is finally discovered when Pathfinder II stops momentarily to analyze some soil and is immediately surrounded by guys with squeegees. The drinking age is lowered to three in order to "keep the little bastards quiet." Back to Main Page