Dear Drunken Dwarf,
I was wondering if you could tell me ways I could find out if I was possibly gay. I am considering homosexuality, but I'm not really sure if it's "me". How can I be sure if I'm a fruit?
Sincerely,
May B. Gay
Paris, Texas
Dear May,
I know exactly how to solve your problem! In fact it was going to be in one of the chapters of my new book. Hopefully my book will be done for 2001. Anyways, what you do is find two equally attractive friends, one male and one female. Next get drunk off your ass. I suggest using Everclear since it gets the job done quick. Then when you wake up with a hang over, ask your friends which one of them you hit on. That should tell you your sexuality.
Dear Drunken Dwarf,
I have this problem. It all started since I was little, probably the age of nine but I am not sure exactly. People would always make fun of me but it is not because I am ugly or stupid or mean or nerdy or boring or any other things! It is because people say I ramble and I don't understand where they get this from. Sure, I like to talk a lot but I consider that to mean I am social and a people person. I like to chat on the phone or meet new people at events. Yet a lot of people keep complaining about this problem I don't have. What should I do because I have absolutely no idea whatsoever?
Sincerely and with much love,
A loyal Fan,
That loves your work,
Always Talking
NYC, New York
Dear Always,
SHUT UP! You are giving me a god damn headache!
Dear Drunken Dwarf,
How are babies born?
Love,
Little Joey
Dear Joey,
I must tell you this first. Whatever people tell you is a lie! You are not from a stork or a cabbage patch! Here is the truth. A man enters a bar when he becomes an adult. There he drinks something called alcohol. After a few drinks he meets a woman who is also an adult. He buys her a drink and they both get really fucked up. Then they go to one of there homes and have sex, usually unprotected. Then a baby is born. Does that clear it up?
Dear Drunken Dwarf,
Why are you always drunk? Shouldn't you be dead by now? I mean, what kind
of an example are you setting?
From,
Nose in Business
Dear Nose,
I am always drunk cause I chose to be. My liver has failed on several occasions but I think I was born with spare livers... Take that, modern science! And I think I set a good example. Why I just explained to little Joey the miracle of life. So go back to minding your own business!
Well, that is all I have for now. Remember! Send in those questions if you want to know the truth about this wacky world we live in as only a drunken dwarf can explain it!
