Ask Drunken Dwarf
Well here is yet another edition of Questions for The Minature God of Alcohol...aka Ask Drunken Dwarf. It is I, The Double D Dawg in the house. I am sorry for the delay but due to lack of questions sent to I have had to wait. Now, without further ado, your questions!

Dear Dwarf,
Not too long ago I took out this girl and forgot her name, I then took her out a 2nd time and still couldn't get it, what do I do?
John Doe
Mystery, Alaska

Dear John,
First rule: Always write down their name. Nothing turns a girl off more than you screaming "That's it! Suck my...what's your name again?" So find out where she works and visit her there. She has to have a name tag or something. But if you met this girl when alcohol was involved then don't worry. You don't need to know her name.

Dear Drunken Midgito,
Where do shopping carts come from? And where do they go when they are abandoned in a parking lot? I need to know.
Concerned Shopper
Tijuana, Mexico

Dear Shopper,
The answer is this: Demons swallow up the carts at night when no one is looking. In the morning the "Vons" god creates more to appease the masses. Or it could be some late night employee picks them up and takes them inside. Who do you believe?

Dear Drunken Dwarf,
Do you ever get that "not-so-fresh" feeling?
Fishy-fishy Bok Choy
Austin, Texas

Dear Clam Chowder,
I feel my scent is my own business. But what do I care? I am piss drunk! Of course I have...don't tell the girls.

Dear Drunken One,
Sometimes I think my dog tells me to do things...bad things...what should I do?
Son of Son of Sam
New York, NY

Dear Sammy,
You are definitely tripping. Dogs can't talk. I shot the last remaining talking dog last week. It was mouthing off and I couldn't let it reproduce. So it is all your imagination. Hope that makes you feel better.

Dear Dwarf,
What is the best lure to use when fishing for big mouth bass?
Wichita, Kansas

Dear Billy,
This is Ask Drunken Dwarf, not Ask Drunken Dorf. We are both small but I don't give a rat's ass about fishing. You got the wrong column kid.

Dear DD,
What do you mean the two tacos for 99 cents deal is for a limited time only??
San Dimas, CA

Dear Chedder Head,
It is? I need to stock up for drunken munchies then! Look out Jack in the Crack cause here I come!

Dear Mr. Drunken Dwarf,
What is the best way to talk to my kids about drugs?
Concerned Parent
Norfolk, VA

Dear Parent,
I have never had experience in the field. I can relate to it by how my parents talked to me about drinking. My dad pulled me aside and said "Son, I know you are going to be an alcoholic. Hell, it runs in the veins. But you must remember that you have to be responsible. No driving if you can't see your hand. And if the toilet is holding your dinner, it is quits. Now go grab yourself that bottle of Jose Cuervo and have fun." It still brings back the good times. Things were great when I was eight.

Dear Drunken Dwarf sir,
What is it like to be on a drug trip?
Child of Concerned Parent
Norfolk, VA

Dear Child,
    I felt that the best way to answer your question was to experience it myself. Kids don't try this at home unless you can write your name in cursive. With the help of my friend, I set on a magical journey with the help of a bong and Mary Jane. Well after a lot of smoking by myself(no passing the bong here) I was well on my trip. I started outside of my body and found that I couldn't speak. The only noise I could make was chuckles. Lights danced around and everything seemed to be cut outs. Shortly afterwards I got stuck in a time loop where the same minute kept replaying itself. It was a strange feeling but I managed to stick through and eventually get to bed. My final thoughts on the subject: Drinking is better. So grab a forty or raid your parents liqour cabinet! And stop asking me about drugs!

    Well that is all for now. I hope to hear from you all soon. Just don't send in any dumb questions. On second thought, send them in anyways, I need a good laugh.