Texas Broke My Brain
By Gandhi Mangler
Former baseball-player-people-used-to-give-a-damn-about Darryl Strawberry recently said his brain is broken. Shortly thereafter, I realized that mine is too! It has ground to a halt since I moved to Texas last August. I have achieved nothing at college. I have not only achieved nothing at work, but I haven't even looked for work. (I get by with student loans; sure, tens of thousands of dollars of debt seems menacing, but, the way things are going, I won't be alive to pay it back.)
You may be saying to yourself, "Why can't this bastard talk about anything but himself?" Well, it's because I do nothing all day, have no goals, and have no desire to set goals. Therefore, the only thing I'm qualified to talk about is myself. Oh, and politics, of course; a functional brain is not a requirement for politicians.
"Broken brain? surely you're joking!" No, dear friend-soon-to-be-enemy, the signs are all there. I've started listening to Art Bell's radio show every single night. That's all the proof you need, really, but I'll go further. I have a comprehensive behavioral neuroscience final tomorrow yet I am writing this diatribe. Later I will sleep and tomorrow I will fail! I do not care. How's that for insanity? What about the fact that I'm trying to convince you that my brain is broken?
Want more? Look at what I wrote recently on THE JIXBY PHILLIPS BOARD OF FUN: "You'll never get me Lucky Charms. Never! You hear me?! Never, never, never! Why are you always trying to get them?! Go buy your own cereal! These are my damn Lucky Charms that I paid for and I intend to eat them!! Stop trying to steal them!! I WILL KILL MYSELF BEFORE I'LL LET YOU HAVE THEM!!! I SWEAR TO GOD, I WILL PUT A BULLET IN MY HEAD JUST SO YOU CANNOT HAVE THEM!" Does that even approach sanity?
What could cause such a malfunction? For one thing, it is a race to the death here in Texas. Whether it be the fire ants, smog, snakes, tornados, black mold, mosquitoes, killer bees, bus drivers, or the stench of failure, something will gladly kill you early. That is why I don't leave the apartment any more than necessary. No, that's a lie. I don't leave it because I don't know how to talk or do stuff. I'm on the fast-track to Learned Helplessness. It's a death wish but so what? What good is living if you live in Texas? Really, I need to get out of here! I can't, though, because that would involve desire, planning, and effort. This place has drained me of those things. That's why so many people never escape from Texas. I need something to force me to leave--and sanity isn't that high on the list.
For joy! The University of Texas is slated to kick my ass out of their school. Thank heavens. I could not stand one more year in this dastardly atmosphere. It broke my brain, you know.
People who Gandhi Mangler would like to disfigure: Tony Danza (his smile makes angry), Tom Daschle (all-around demagogue), tit flashers (what's dignity worth anyway?), pedophiles (deserve execution), Comedy Central programmers (That's My Awfully Pointless and Expensive Show about Bush!), Andy Kaufmann cultists (he's dead and he wasn't all that funny so go find someone living to drool over), and Beast-Man's creator (bestiality isn't something kids should be confronted with).
"Quite frankly, this is the first productive thing I've done in months." -- Gandhi Mangler
"For one thing, anyone who reads Jixby's site on a regular basis can't really call themselves sane, now can they?" --Vocephus