Almost Comatose

"Roy's A Dick"

By Gandhi Mangler

Usually article ideas appear and expand over a period of time in my mind. When they have percolated, I get an itch to write. It has been five weeks since the last instalment and during that time, an idea has been idling: “What if last year never happened?”

While reading “Drawing Life: Surviving the Unabomber” this week, that idea has been eliminated. David Gelernter cannot inject himself into 1939 and I cannot change the past -- despite my intense desire to do so. Though historians wish Lyndon B. Johnson never pissed in the White House Rose Garden, they cannot rewrite history, which is to say they cannot rewrite reality (History, ideally, is the study of what reality was in the past). A stands for A and if a tree falls in the forest, then it does make a sound.

The past cannot be changed. I failed and was expelled from The University of Texas for at least one semester. The critical question is “What should I do now?” It is said that we can learn from our mistakes, but what if the refusal to learn is the mistake?

While you ponder the implications of the quandary I have outlined, please take a moment to read this ditty I wrote about my uncle. Regardless of the sober tone up to now, this song is supposed to be funny (but true).

Well, his mamma was elusive,
And his daddy was abusive,
But I think he deserved it
Because he’s an asshole.
MY UNCLE IS AN ASSHOLE
AND HE HAS NO SOUL.

[Spoken]
Wait, my mom lived in that house!
Why isn’t she an asshole?
Maybe I’m blinded by a mother’s love.
Or by her cellulite.
Seriously, I love Froot Loops more
Than I could ever love my mother.
[End spoken]

Roy married a witch
Who abused him, that bitch.
But I think he deserved it
Because he’s an asshole.
MY UNCLE IS AN ASSHOLE
AND HE HAS NO SOUL.


He filled the house up with smoke
And I’m pretty sure he’s broke
Because that bitch stole his money--
It’s what they call child support
And he’ll be paying until he retires
But I think he deserved it
Because he’s an asshole.
MY UNCLE IS AN ASSHOLE
AND HE HAS NO SOUL.

The son of a bitch thinks he’s always right
I would kick his sorry ass if we would fight.
I’m damn sure he’d deserve it
Because he’s an asshole.
MY UNCLE IS AN ASSHOLE
AND HE HAS NO SOUL.

Roy hasn’t been laid
In more than a decade.
He’s only fifty-nine…
[Ecstatic laughter]
[Spoken]
Okay few people deserve that
Even if they’re assholes.
[End spoken]

Well grandpa died and grandma did remarry.
I guess she didn’t know he’d try to molest me.
Or maybe she knew he’d try
Because she’s an asshole also.
MY GRANDMA IS AN ASSHOLE
AND SHE HAS NO SOUL.

It grieves me to talk shit about my family.
Okay, that’s a transparent lie.
But my uncle and grandma are assholes.
And will always lack souls.
Maybe it was wrong
To write this damn song.
Well, what did you expect?
I’m an asshole too.


I think it was fitting that I secretly wrote and revised this song during the last hour he was in my domicile. He has gone back to Georgia. I don’t know what I’ll do about my future and I don’t really care right now. I’m just glad Roy is gone.
...
People who Gandhi Mangler would like to disfigure: Roy.

"An especially good man represents to a wicked one the ultimate danger--the conscience and justice he hates and can never silence." -- David Gelernter, p.26, "Drawing Life"

"Quoting others is like stealing their ideas." --Gandhi Mangler
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