The Leprechaun by Raphael The Contradiction

   Hey dude, what are you doing on this part of campus at night?  What are you, some freshman?  I should have guessed.  Anyhow, since you're obviously not in the know, I'm going to tell you a story that will freak you out, man...or maybe you'll just go get pizza...either way, it has to be told.

     It all started on a dark and stormy night.  The wolves were howling, the moon was full, and the worst omen of all, we were out of beer.  I told them four kegs wouldn't be enough.  So, being the drunken fools we were, we sent the least drunk guy to get the beer, his name was Bobby.  Then as we sat there, a movie came on.  It was about this leprechaun guy.  In case you didn't know, this leprechaun is a little dude that...what do you mean you already know what one is?  Don't get smart with me, I'm doing you a favor, man.  So anyways, as this movie is going on, we see this little dude killing people.  And we're like, 'this dude has some fucking style,' but then somebody catches him and he says, "So leprechaun dude, since you're like, caught and stuff, we get your pot of gold."  Then it hit me.  Like, if we catch one of these Irish guys, he'll totally have to give us his weed and his gold.  It's too fucking easy to pass up!  After I told the guys, they like thought I was a genius and said I should have gone to Harbard, but I think there is too much poison ivy at those schools, or so I've been told.  So like we said after Bobby got back we'd go find him and get his shit.  But man, Bobby never came back.

Dum dum Daaaaaaaaaa!!

We already knew what happened.  The leprechaun got him and our beer, and the guys were pissed.  In fact, Eddie even said, "Damn, I'm pissed," or was it "Damn, I gotta piss"?  Either way, he did say piss, which after all was the important part...where was I?  Oh, yeah, so when we finally got sober enough to stand, we decided to find this asshole leprechaun who stole our beer and killed Bobby, but more importantly for the beer.  When we got down the hall, we found our first suspect.  I think the episode went something like this:

Drunk Guy:  Are you the leprechaun?
Suspect:  What do you mean?
Drunk Guy 2:  He's fucking with us!  I say we beat him and take his pot of gold!
Suspect:  Are you mugging me??  Cos you're not going to get my gold watch, asshole.
Drunk Guy:  So you admit you're the leprechaun!
Suspect:  No.
Drunk Guy 3:  I gotta piss, I'll be right back.
Suspect:  You guys gotta lay off the booze.  I'm getting out of here.
Drunk Guy:  What are you talking about?  Me and my friends have never been more sob--Eddie, come on man, get up man, you can't pass out in the middle of an interrigation...oh man, don't puke!  Great, now who's going to be the bad cop, man?
Suspect:  You guys suck.
Drunk Guy:  Hey man, I'm watchin' you.  One slip up and you're going down.  If I so much as see you eating Lucky Charms man, your ass is grass, and I'm the bong that's gonna smoke it.  You got me, man?

At this point, the word was out.  We knew that he knew that we knew what he did, and that he knew that we knew he was in the area, and we were after him.  After losing a few good men, our tireless and seemingly endless journey reached the lobby, where we met suspect numero two.

Drunk Guy:  Hey, don't move man, we know that you're the leprechaun, so give it up!
Suspect 2:  What are you talking about?  I'm the janitor.
Drunk Guy 2:  He's fucking with us!  I say we beat him and take his pot of gold!
Drunk Guy:  Watch out, he's got a weapon!
Suspect 2:  What are you talking about?  This is a mop, and there isn't any gold in that bucket, just water.
Drunk Guy:  Listen, we know what we're doing, man.
Drunk Guy 2:  Yeah, we're looking for a short guy that wears green and has a funny accent.
Suspect 2:  But I don't even fit that description.
Drunk Guy2:  That's what they all say.
Drunk Guy:  He's pretty tall...I don't think it's him.  Besides, I don't see any beer.

We were at a dead end.  We had exhausted all our resources, and we didn't know what to do, when we saw him hiding in the bushes.  So we crept up on him, and when we thought he wasn't looking, we all jumped in to try and get him.  I think I hit my head, and everything went black.  When I woke up, the leprechaun was long gone, and I was the only one there.  When I got back to the house, Bobby was sleeping, and not dead as we previously thought. 

Everything seemed alright, but I know he is still out here, and that is why you don't come out here at night, you got me?  What do you mean that wasn't scary, of course it was scary!  Don't walk away from me, I'm not finished, man....