Now, even though my name was being called by cotton candy and the swinging dragon ship, I was lured to the light. Who knows, it might have been a light from heaven beaming down to Earth. As I drove, my mind began to wander and thoughts began to flood in---especially the one saying curiosity killed the cat. But then I remembered that my car killed a cat, too, and I came to the conclusion that the car had acted in self defense, as did curiosity.
As I got closer I hoped to see some kind of magic or spectacular act rarely viewed by human eyes. One more corner to turn and.....damn, nothing special, just a stupid flying saucer. Why couldn't it have been something really amazing like a new 7-11 or a Denny's? I don't know, maybe the spaceship was cool...it did have this really gnarly bumper sticker. I still got bored, but for some reason I didn't want to leave. Then I thought, "hey, it would be really cool if I threw a rock at it!" In hindsight that probably wasn't the best idea I ever had...in fact, the best one I ever had involved a vat of Jello, two hostages, and a Bengal tiger---but that's a story for another day.
So then I parked my car out of sight under some trees and found a couple of good rocks. Then without hesitation I hurdled one..."BLING!". That's it? I hit a spaceship and it goes 'bling'? This is fucking lame, it should have vaporized the rock or something like that and where the hell are the bad-ass laser cannons that are supposed to waste assholes like me? I'm dealing with a race of pansies. Then I started throwing more rocks just to see what they would do. Then a door opened, and just like in the movies there was smoke billowing out of the doorway with an almost blindingly bright light, as a figure emerged fromt the opening and began to speak. "Hey buddy, what's the big deal, you jerk off? I just painted this a week ago!" At that point I was confused. I mean, was I dealing with a race of pansy aliens from the Jersey turn pike or something more?
Now, I began to search for the right words to represent all mankind in a way that would show the level of knowledge and sophistication that the human race has reached. Then I came up with a response that I believed should represent us in all future endeavors as a universal greeting: "Fuck you, you cocksucking whore!" To go off on a tangent, imagine if we always used that, like in the Gulf War. Colin Powell could walk up to Saddam and say 'fuck you, you cocksucking whore,' and regardless of the war, we would have won points for style and finesse. Oh yeah, back to the story.
He looked a little mad when he replied "then who did it?" Being well educated in the ways of modern culture, I came up with an iron clad scape goat. "I'm afraid it was the one armed man." He then replied "Why should I believe you?" I said "Because I look like Bill Clinton." But by now I was still a little curious about the ship, so while he was looking around I asked, "Hey, if you guys are done anal probing people today, could I get a tour of the ship?" He replied "Well, I don't know, I've got a 12 o'clock---but what the hell, I guess I could cancel it. Come on."
As I walked in, I was amazed to find that their technology was far superior to our own. The most important thing I noticed were the cupholders on the couch, and their most amazing invention, something called a...how did they refer to it, I think they called it a garbage can, where you would put your garbage instead of leaving it on the floor. Oh yeah, and they had all the bad-ass pay channels, except for the Indonesian beetle eating show. Why, oh why did they ever cancel that? Those bastards just didn't understand it's not about the group. I mean, after they ate Ringo Starr they could have at least eaten the Monkees.
Then I had an idea; "Hey, I have an idea. Let's go nuke somebody." But he replied, "We don't have any nukes." I shot back, "Don't lie to me! You don't come a million miles away from Jersey without any nukes." He looked a little nervous and said "They're only for emergencies, like a John Tesh concert." I knew exactly how to play this game. "Well then, maybe a visit from Mr. Washington will change your mind." "Who's Mr. Washingtnn, and why would I want to visit him?" he questioned. Well now he was playing hardball and I knew what I had to do to turn up the juice. "And if you act now, I'll even throw in my right sock free of charge in this once in a lifetime opportunity." He replied, "Why would I want your sock? I had him right where I wanted him as I said, "Hey man, I'm trying to do you a favor by making this deal. I'm putting my ass out on the line here and I will give you a lifetime guarantee that you will neer see another deal like this again, or your nuke back."
He was in a very strange quizybuck before he came up with a cromulant solution. "A lifetime guarantee, right?" "Oh yeah." Then the deal was set in stone, and I had one nuke, but I really wanted to go to that carnival, so I told the dude to bomb my ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend's house later that night. What I forgot was that nukes kill a lot of stuff, including me.
So in conclusion St. Peter dude, you should let me in because I died because I was stupid, and not evil as previously thought. So what do you think? Fuck you, you cocksucking whore. Does that mean I'm going to hell? Oh yeah. Shit, where is hell anyways? You'd be surprised, now get going. Next!
