VOMIT GOD SPEAKS
HARPOON MOBY: DEATH TO RAVERS
Something is happening in the music industry that is seriously pissing me off. It's a "music" that is known by many names, such as "techno" or "electronica". I personally have my own name for it: production line shit.

  Is this really a problem that we should worry about? You bet it is. In the 1970's disco took America by storm. Flashy vinyl clothing invaded all of the clubs, and disco even spilled onto the so-called "rock" scene, like "Heart of Glass" by Blonde. (Blonde's first album is good, but when songs like "Rapture" come on VH-1, I mute the TV and gawk at Deborah.) Disco was eventually destroyed by punk rock, never to surface again, or would it? It turns out that disco was banished to Europe, and knowing that it had to change it's forumla to capture the American charts, it added art to it's formula and mutated into the horror known as "Brit-pop." Travesties like Depeche Mode were released upon the unsuspecting world, devouring the American charts, while bands that were of American origin for the most part were silenced. Soon, Kurt Cobain's off key caterwauling and the grunge cock-rock invasion came from Seattle. Grunge was shit, but at least disco was dead once again.

  Or was it?

  It turns out Count Disco was once again banished to his evil hideaway in the Swiss Alps, to create his third, and possibly worst incarnation of "music": Electronica. But he needed a new formula: He already tried the "good times" method in the 70's, and the "sensitive art fag" method in the 80's. Now he would combine it with drugs and all night dancing, hence the "wild kids" method.

  History is already repeating itself. Bands like Linkin Park and Crazy town have "DJ"'s, proving once again that disco, in it's new form, is absorbing the charts. Moby, who bears an uncanny resemblence to Michael Stipe, sold every one of his songs to corporations, showing how disco dictates what we buy. Water companies are benefitting from this new "rave" culture as well, due to the fact that the European drug "ecstacy" causes severe dehydration, and according to various sources, water is sold at "raves" for 15 dollars a bottle. Turntables have made a comeback as well, but these aren't like your parent's Samsung, oh no. These monsters can be sold for hundreds of dollars, and usually include a second turntable.

  Ok, I've given you the facts. How should we deal with this?

"Rave culture" stands for everything I am against, because the whole concept deals with mindlessness. Listen to one electronica song, and then listen to another. Have you noticed something? THEY BOTH HAVE THE SAME BEAT. I refer to this as the "Production line beatbox." You could basically put a sound of a llama farting over that same beat and it's guaranteed that kids would dance to it. I once heard a Moby "song" where it sounds like he's trying to tune a piano over the same beat! But does it really matter when you're on so many pills that it could kill a whale? Nope. This supports another theory of mine, based on a quote from Sideshow Bob from the Simpsons: the "Bright Objects and Shiny Things" theory. These kids sadly aren't the sharpest pencils in the drawer, based on discussions I've had with them. Growing up while watching MTV can do that to people. A deer looks into headlights because it sees from the side, and it only sees the light from the car, but not the car itself, ready to smash. These kids are all deer caught in headlights, unaware of their impending extinction.

  I have one more bone to pick, and to me, this is the biggest insult of all. I watched a "DJ" in action once, and the kids around his seemed totally hypnotised. Now, I may be missing something, but to me , it looked like a guy just playing records and forcing the record backwards on the turntable. Maybe if I make some glossy flyers with an Amine picture on it, I could invite kids to my house to watch me play my records, and I'll charge 8 bucks a head. Maybe in the future, CD players will become instruments rather than mere jukeboxes. "Scratching" will be replaced by "Scanning" back and forth.

  I have a message to all you rave kids: have you heard of Rock 'n' Roll? None of you have any talent, you fucking plagarists of people's records! I piss upon you and your no-brains bullshit!

Do you remember rock'n' roll radio?
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