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USSF
1801-11 South Prarie Ave
Chicago, IL 60616
July 9th, 1998
Dear Mr Rothenberg:
I am writing to you in regard of the vacant position of the US national team coach. I feel that I would be ideal for the job. I am player/coach of the Casuals FC who have won four championships in four years under my guidance. I know that Alberto Parreira, Carlos Queiroz, & Bora Milutinovic currently top you list of potential replacements for Steve Sampson, but I think I am your man.
For one thing I was born in England, so I fit your criteria for a foreign born coach. Plus I come pretty cheap, I'd be willing to go as low as $12.00 an hour plus travelling expenses. I don't mind all the extra duties that Bora objected to first time around, heck I already wash the uniforms, put the nets up, and mark out the field for my current team the Casuals. Although as national team coach I don't really expect to keep that up, but just know if an emergency does arise I am willing and able to do it.
Also as a man with no prior international experience the soccer loving public of the USA would have no big expectations of me, so if I fail nobody could possibly be surprised. Any successes would be a bonus. My first priority as coach would be to bring back John Harkes. I've seen his Jim Carrey impersonation, it's hilarious. Then I'd make players such as McBride, Lalas, Balboa, and Hejduk get really manly haircuts, preferably flat tops or crew cuts. I'm sure that you are as sick as I am Alan of the sight of players representing the USA looking like a bunch of girls.
Well Alan I hope to hear from you soon, let me know if I shall need any references and I will get them to you as soon as possible. I used to buy a lot of stuff at Eric Wynalda's dads soccer store before it closed so I bet he could give me one if necessary.
Sincerely,
Grant Kirkham.
The Future of US Soccer.
USSF
1801-11 South Prarie Ave
Chicago, IL 60616
November 28th, 1998
Dear Bruce:
Congratulations on your recent appointment as US national team coach. I also submitted an application for the job but didn't get any kind of reply. No sour grapes though Brucey boy. I firmly believe that the best man got the job. In fact I only applied when I heard the news that the famous bald, drunken, judas scouse git Howard Kendall was in the running for the job. I figured that US soccer has suffered enough recently and the last thing we needed was a joker like this in charge of our national affairs. Anyway good luck in your new job. I'm sure that your three years experience as coach of DC United in the MLS will give you all the knowledge that you will need for international soccer.
Obviously as somebody who applied for the job I happen to be very interested in all that's good for US soccer. I may be English but because my son Liam was born here and will be leading the US national team during World Cup 2016 (he's now two) I thought that I'd better take steps to improve your standards. So hear me Bruce while I throw my two cents worth into the hat with some really useful tips for US soccer.
The first thing you should do as coach is make some of your players get proper haircuts. Your hair for instance is a perfect example of how a real man should wear his hair. It's reasonably short with a nice side parting and is always shiny and well conditioned. Maybe you should get the likes of Lalas, Hejduk, Jones, & Agoos do the same, have you checked out their barnets? They are a disgrace, no wonder that US soccer is such a laughing stock. This four look like they've just stepped out of a Grateful Dead convention and should never again be allowed to represent the US with such silly looking hairstyles.
The next thing that you should do is bring back our old captain John Harkes. He has a proper haircut for starters and as his ex-coach at DC you are the last person I need to remind of how good he is on the soccer field. I'm sure that you've also seen his Jim Carrey impersonations on many occasions, isn't it hilarious? The first time I saw it on ESPN2 I almost wet my pants. This has to be good for morale amongst the players, John's impersonations that is, not my pants wetting.
The most important thing is Bruce that we put US soccer on the map and in my opinion the quickest way would be through hoolinganism. Let's face it US soccer fans are too quiet, 'Sams Army' are a joke, just a bunch of middle-aged tossers in red t-shirts and banging drums while prancing around behind the goal. What's the deal with that? I went to the USA/Mexico game a couple of years ago at the Rose Bowl and it may as well have been held in Mexico City. Out of a crowd of 98,000 it appeared that about 90,000 were there in support of Mexico and the US national anthem was drowned out by the jeers of those people. What a disgrace!!!br>
Bruce I drink at the Crown & Anchor British pub in Thousand Oaks CA and this place...