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| THE SOCCER GARAGE |
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| EVEN A LITTLE MORE HUMOR |
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| S&G Counter-FIFA Rankings |
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| (a more meaningful alternative ranking of the world's soccer powers) |
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| click here |
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(for the quick tour) |
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1. FRANCE- Goalie:"C'mon, they cremated the Brazilians in the WC. Bonus points for the cute chicks that sound sexy even when they tell you to get lost (or so a friend tells me). No points for failing to crack the top 5 beer nations of the world." Sudsy: "Even though their beer offerings are very, very weak (Kronenberg??), until they are beaten in the tournament, they shall retain their number one ranking... after all, isn't that why they play the damned things?" |
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2 (tie) ENGLAND- Sudsy: "Their play barely warrants a top ten listing, however the mere fact that Yorkshire and all the lovely breweries in it exists, ensures a top ten listing. Have you ever been to Tadcaster? There's a pub attached to the Sam Smith's brewery that serves the greatest pint of bitter on the planet!" Goalie: "Cradle of football, exporter of democracy, bastion of tradition, home of Monty Python's Flying Circus. If ever there was a team that succeeded in keeping their chin up, not kicking a man when he's down (remember Spice Boy was the one who was down when he did the kicking), and deluding itself into thinking it was a world power, it is England. Truly belongs in the tier below the true footie powers, but an amazing ability to provide a pint of local brew that is unique to each venue (and is pretty darn good), makes England a true footballing power. Plus, we all know that if they reeeeaaallly wanted to win, they'd beat everybody. Extra points for the cute English girl I met in Greece." |
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2 (tie) GERMANY- Goalie: "The team everybody loves to root against. Methodical, accurate, successful, boring, and rebuilding. Lost points for the world's biggest whiner in Juergen Klinnsman. Bonus points for getting rid of Klinnsman. Bonus points for a wide variety of pilsner. Extra credit for the really cute girl I met in Dusseldorf." Sudsy: "Good food, good beer, decent team." |
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2 (tie) HOLLAND- Sudsy: "Fun people with lax morals, and the most talented players." Goalie: "Doesn't every successful club team have a fancy Dutch import? Will never win the WC because 'total football' doesn't exclude 'total headcases.' Nice style that matches well against every other team. Bonus points for the excellent Heineken brewery tour in Amsterdam, where a Delft blue mug goes to anyone whose birthday is the day of the tour. Extra points because the Dutch are very friendly (nudge, nudge)." |
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5 BRAZIL- Goalie: "Bet you didn't think I was going to make Brazil this high, did you? Most enjoyable style of play with the skill to boot. Capable of beating any team based upon mano-a-mano matchups or as a 'team.' Even on a down year, strike fear into other team's hearts. Bonus points for the incredible hootchy-cootchy (Eng. tranlation: Very hot babe wiggling all over in extreme form-fitting attire) doing the samba dancing at the Brazil-England game in 1993. Unfortunately, no bonus beverage points." Sudsy: "Basically, they did finish second." |
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6 ARGENTINA- Sudsy: "Understand that next to the U.S., they have the world's best pizza... that, and the fact that their team can actually play a bit, has to count for something. A top squad that doesn't get to be seen at their best that often, because of Euro-based players." |
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WE ANXIOUSLY AWAIT S&G's NEXT RANKING IN NOVEMBER! |
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| click here |
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to go to the FIFA rankings, which inspired this barrage! |
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to return to The Soccer Garage Front Page |
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| click here |
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