Oh, that Matt, he sucks.

The
"I Hate Matt"
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    • Ask Us Volume XXI, February 2002

    The True Spirit of Christmas asks:
    Bronson, have you ever wondered if the world would've been better of if you'd never been born? I think killing yourself is the answer.
    Volcom says:
    I think if you roll up my life's achievements into a little ball, cover it in newspaper like a piece of fish, surround it in rubber bands then coat it in plastic like they do with golf balls, I doubt there'd be anything big enough to slip down your trousers and pretend is an enlarged testicle. Or even a normal testicle, should you have lost a testicle in some weird and probably painful accident.
    That said, I still find myself siting alone in the metal chairs on the verandah, contemplating what the world would be without had any of my mother's abortion techiques taken desired effect.
    After hours of deep soul-searching and contamplative meandering I came to the conclusion that the only useful thing I've done with my life was raising that watermelon patch in the backyard. Sure, all I did was spit watermelon seeds at a fertile patch of soil and take a dump there occasionaly, but it still stands as a valuable contribution to Mother Earth.
    And no, killing yourself is never really an option, unless everyone hates you.

    simo asks:
    the principal of '{that school}' still has his 3 photo's of you on his desk and his door is regularly closed now, my question is then why oh why did he want you to vacate '{that school}'?
    Volcom says:
    Even uncensored, that question is pretty dumb.
    I dunno though really. Why 3 photos? That's odd. And prime.
    Anyway, his door was always closed. He liked to have everyone think he was working when really he was playing pirated Nintendo ROMS on his lappy. That, and furiously masturbating to the naughty* section of the biology textbook.

    *marsupial

    Henrup Hoptoit asks:
    Do you have any idea how terrible most peoples' bottoms smell? I do. And I bet you do too. *wink,wink*
    Volcom says:
    For what's basically a poo dispenser, I think bottoms smell a damn sight worse than what you'd imagine. I understand that in Japan there's actually a large market for bottom smelling, so if you have a gift for it I suggest you look into the various career avenues arse-smelling presents. As we all know, if it's popular in Japan then the rest of the world isn't too far off.

    Bronson's Dad asks:
    Bronson, what's this stain on the couch? Did you get 'excited' again?
    Volcom says:
    Yeah. You see, I was checking out the mad clips on Video Hits when suddenly, inexplicably, some chick in skimpy clothing started gyrating about to the hip-hoppin' beat of some song about vaginas. The combination of hot chick + thinly-vieled misogynistic lyrics + shitty R&B flavoured backing track was such a ground-breaking concept to my old-fashioned world that it excited me to no end. Seeing it as a bold and long-awaited step in the right direction for both modern music and society in general, I vomited all over the couch.
    THERE'S your stain, father!

    Moldy Eardrum asks:
    Wall of Voodoo's "Mexican Radio" or the B-52's "Rock Lobster"? Which sounds more like sex?
    Volcom says:
    Good question.
    Well let's see. The chorus of "Mexican Radio" can easily be changed into "I'm on the SEXican, whoa-oh, Radio", whereas "Rock Lobster" could probably have a cock joke put in there somewhere. Maybe something about clams, or oysters even?
    Alas, that would be the easy way out. For a proper examination of which song more closely resembles copulative practices, we must examine the subtext of each tome. Wall of Voodoo's 'Mexican Radio' is a realistic dissention on the foibles and follies of a non-Spanish speaking Disc Jockey in Mexico, whereas the B-52s' 'Rock Lobster' paints a stunningly surreal account of a day at the beach hampered by a rock. Well not a rock, a rock lobster.
    That being said, Wall of Voodoo was a 4 or 5 piece all male group headed by Stan Ridgeway whilst the B-52's were mostly a 2 boy, 2 girl ensemble. Obviously the B-52s are the first choice for sexual insinuations, unless you want to be gross about it.
    Therefore, Rock Lobster is the resounding winner.

    Please Note:
    I don't decide the subject matter for these questions dear, you do. I only give smart arse responses, so if you send in, or read a question and are offended by my response in some way, please send your complaints to gitfucked@whocares.i7.com.au.
    All questions are and remain © of the I Hate Matt Dimension after submision.
    "Ask Us" is produced and recorded in front of a live, studio audience, Bronson K Volcomstalker speaking.

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