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Ask Us Volume IV, April 2001
Wes asks:
Do you believe its ok to have a sexual relationship with the seat
pole of my mountainbike, I mean if Berkelmans can have one with a living NZ
animal, I'm sure I can have one with one of my most prized possesions???
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Volcom says:
First of all, having sex with anything non-human is wrong. And second of all, and this only applies to girls, having sex with anything non-Volcomstalker is very wrong. And so, to be one with God after you leave this Earth, have sex with Volcomstalker.
Matt says:
Who is this Berkelmans kid? Sounds like my sorta kid!!!
Josh asks:
Bronson, I have a serious question for you about your sexual
experiences with animals. So Matt, What are you sexual experiences with animals?
Well to elaborate I'd like to tell you a little about mine. This one time when I
was at my friends house who I would like to keep unnamed apart from a little
clue 'Jesse'. That's all I'm giving away. Well anyway I can't really remember
what we were talking about but I think it had something to do with the amount of
sexual stimulation we got from seeing naked men with breast implants. To keep
moving forward, I left this conversation to go outside. My friend 'Jesse' has a
chicken hutch outside his house. Anyway I looked inside and had the most
impulsive session of eye contact with one of these chickens. It was looking at
me as if saying 'Josh, please fuck me hard?' Not knowing what to do I got the
foul out of its cage and rammed my penis up what I though was the chicken's
vagina. That is all I have to say. Do you think what I did was wrong? and People
say I am spreading the 'Chicken Disease' though salivian transfers, is this
possible? Love Always, Your Joshua
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Volcom says:
Joshua, Joshua, Joshua...
I spent a long time searching for the answer of whether or not what you did, IE have sex with a chicken, was wrong. Well, after perusing The Bible, my Parish Priest, and the Good Lord himself, I still couldn't find a clear jurisdiction of these matters. So, I called in professional animal handler Dr Harry Cooper to give his verdict on your very, uh, 'fowl' behaviour.
After some tea and dunkies with Dr Harry, I asked Dr Harry what he thought of your beastial predicament. Basically, Dr Harry said chickens are almost identical to humans in matter of sex laws, so it all comes down to whether it was consentual sex with your chicken, or not. However, since chickens live nowhere near 16 years old, having sex with one, consent or not, is illegal. At least in this great bloody country of Australia it is. So yes, what you did is wrong, and you could, nay, should be charged with statuatory rape.
Now, this 'Chicken Disease': what the fuck is that? Well, I doubt it could be passed by salivian transference, because it sounds like an STD, which usually aren't transmitted by mere saliva exchange. It's usually a lot more grotty. Either way, a disease that carries itself on your saliva has no chance of ever coming in contact with any Homo Sapiens, you chicken raping shithead. Get out of my office.
waynal asks:
to mat, I have heard a few people at our school calling you a faggot
and i was wondering if it was true.
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Matt says:
Hey kid, no, I'm not a faggot. Who are these kids calling me one? I think their taunts are a subversive method of telling me they love me and want my delicious body. Fags. It's not like I asked God to be beautiful, you little shits.
dan
asks:
if i was a poo what colour would i be? cos i'm pretty white now,
would i stay white?
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Volcom says:
Holy Shit.
That is a damn good question. It's personal, it's about poo, and it has some nice fodder.
Anyway, if you were a poo, I'd say you were brown. It's a surprising fact, but the structure of feces is actually a lot different to that of humans. The colour of human skin is relative to melonim content and sun exposure, both of which vary with genetics. Now, a white skinned fellow like yourself would be a brown turd, just like everyone else. However, this is also relative as to what your 'previous owner' has eaten. For instance, I ate four "Squid Lips" Icypoles in one day, and they have a high blue/purple dye content, and my shit had a blue tint. Quite distressing.
Brooke (from the Mole)
asks:
Gra(h)nt has often approached me asking for sexual favours in return
for information leading to the identity of the mole. I have continually said
"no" but his obvious sexual attraction has overtaken me (as it did to Bev in The
Mole 1). What kind of things would pleasure such a man with class and status of
Gra(h)nt??
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Volcom says:
Holy shit! A real-life celebrity on The I Hate Matt Dimension!
Well, anyway, I find that a very interesting and hard question. I think it's pretty obvious that Gra(h)nt is a pretty classy guy. You just have to pronounce his name correctly to know that.
Being a man with the utmost class and prestige myself, I think I know how to sexually delight the talented Mr Bowler. Follow these steps exactly as even one stuff-up could spell disaster for you and the rest of the team, and let ten thousand dollars go begging.
First, get a makeover. The hair change was a good move, but classy guys, like myself and Gra(h)nt really like big boobs. Like, massive. So get them.
Then, let the good times roll, baby.
Matt says:
Wasn't Gra(h)nt the bald guy on Blue Heelers? If he was, I love him more.
Please Note:
I don't decide the subject matter for these questions dear, you do. I only give smart arse responses, so if you send in, or read a question and are offended by my response in some way, please send your complaints to gitfucked@whocares.i7.com.au.
All questions are and remain © of the I Hate Matt Dimension after submision.
"Ask Us" is produced and recorded in front of a live, studio audience, Bronson K Volcomstalker speaking.
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