Oh, that Matt, he sucks.

 The Staff  

The I Hate Matt Dimension can't be run by one dickhead alone.
Well, I suppose it can, but there's a kid that helps me. Meet him and me.

BRONSON K VOLCOMSTALKERHey champs! I'm over here! ACES!
This is me, Volcomstalker. I run pretty much everything around here, cause I'm a clever dick.
My life started in the womb of an unknown drifter, who died sometime before my birth. Doctors believe that my mother had tried and failed several abortion techniques on me, with varied degrees of success.
Soon after my extraction from mummy, an infertile doctor suggested that he and his wife look after me until I was 5. I agreed.
Sixteen weeks later, they got the shits with me and forced me to live Nambour, as a punishment. I spent most of my time in the Library, learning how to read and write. Then, one day, some fat kid comes in with a cake, so I immediately befriend him. His name was Matt.
And the rest... well, that's history.

This kid helps with some interviews, disguises, fixes the dunny, blocks up the dunny, and he answers phones at the Volcomstalker offices.
He is illegally retarded, and his favourite food is toilet scum. Well, it mightn't be, but by judging from his breath it's either that or horse shit.
He has a very poor grasp of the english language, but Spike can speak fluent "cunt", as he would have me believe.
He fills the void in my life that Matt left after he double-crossed me. Excpt Spike is a pretty shitty friend. I hate him so much...

You can't email Spike, because he's a dipshit.

There, I hope you learnt something about Spike and myself.