Oh, that Matt, he sucks.

The Shitheads Adventure
- Dr. Harachio
Being the adventures of a young man whose principal interests are sex with retards, loitering at bus stops, and A-Ha.

No Gnome Suspect
- Barry
A litle girl called Barry sent in this pretty story. Three months or something and this is the first title with a pun? Come on, people.

- Ada Rudd
That's right, Rudd didn't send in a title for this one. Ruddy, if you're reading this and want your work of art titled, please email me.

Spike Firestorm Triumphs Again!
- Bryce Author
A seaworthy effort from a maritime author on his maiden epic.

What A Wonderful World.
- Caitlin Harrington
Matt masturbating. Matt in his undies. Matt out of his undies.
It's best not to keep a mental picture of what's happening in this story.

Matt in the Hatt
- Danil Jon Vagg
I'm hoping Dan didn't spend too long on this one.

Just In Time For Dinner
- Dan Anstey
Another mammoth effort from one of the avid fans. A delightful combination of wizard-like penmanship, Edison-like ingenuity and a Richard Gere-like appreciation for gerbils.

Matt's Cyber Story
- Maximillian P Bill
The first in what most likely isn't a long list of female entrants. A pleasant story nontheless.

The God-Damn Tragedy of the Fucking Magenta Cornflake
- Burger Strongman
Quite definately a tragedy.
Inadvisable for those with weak constitutions.

To Fall Like A Domino
- Timmy B Borham
A trilogy in two parts about a Nancy Drew style murder-mystery.

On The Beach
- El Seriious
Matt, a little doggy, and an old man. What more does one need for ensuing hilarity?

The Mattus Strainus
- Ross
More of a report than a story, reminding us of the seriious threat the majestic and beautiful 'Mattus Strainus' is under.

Exploding Things
- The Disgusting Freak Morgo
Follows the exploits of Little Jimmy and his exploding genitalia. Keep an eye out for a cameo by Matt!

Matt, Matt, and the Shoes
- Bronson K Volcomstalker
An example of the calibre of the story you should submit. Well, similiar to this except better.


Joy Joy Joy!

To celebrate my return to the whacky world of the Internet, I'm giving you the humble readers of this shonky website a chance to contribute, and win great prizes in the process!

The Competition:
You have to come up with a work of fiction, with a title, and an author's name. It has to be about Matt, be of 50-800 words in length, and it has to have at least one made up word in it (eg Fagosity, Cumpit, shlittle). More rules and regulations below.

The Rules, Terms and conditions:
1. All submissions must be sent to volcomstalker@hotmail.com with "Contest" as the subject header. Should I see them good enough for public inspection, they will be published on this very website.
2. All submissions will be left as is, with spelling and grammatical errors kept in. So unless you want to look retarded, give your slice of fiction the once over with a dictionary. Or get your mum to proofread it.
3.Submissions are preffered as just a plain text or fancy email. If you really need to send a Word document then fine, but I won't like you for it.
4.Feel free to add any illustrations, pictures, or graphs should you feel it necessary.
5.All submissions must contain at least one made up word.
6.All stories must be at least 50 words long. 800 words is sort of a maximum, but I guess it can be longer. Has to be good though.
7.All stories must be about or at least mention Matt.
8.All must have a title.
9.All must be continuous prose.
10.Practice discretion when using curse words, the Lord's name in vain, or descriptions of anal sex. Also, refrain from using the words 'magenta' and 'cornflake'.
11.Bribes, in the form of financial contribution or sexual favour will be permitted, however it will have little bearing on your place in this competition. Feel free to offer a bribe even if you're not entered in the competition.

The Prizes:
Should your entry make it into the list of nominees, a panel of judges (Me and Spike) will give it a review. Should it be good enough, you just might be the winner of some of these great prizes:

The Winner:

  • A framed, signed, crude drawing of a man with no pants and a very small penis.
  • A Coca Cola Championship Yo-Yo.
  • The notes that this competition was thought up on
  • A place in the Volcomstalker Hall of Fame, and a special place in my heart
  • A page on this website dedicated to you where you can share your thanks with the losers, and anything else you feel necessary.


  • A Potato, signed be yours truly,
    OR a signed (by me) copy of Billy Joel's "Glass Houses" LP. Features the hits 'You May Be Right', 'Still Rock n' Roll To Me' and 'Sometimes A Fantasy'. Also features a man with a watch on his ankle on the inside jacket.
  • A Paragraph on the "Page Of Champions" (to be erected on finish of competition)

    Second Runner-Up:

  • A Paragraph on the "Page Of Champions"

    Third Runner-Up:

  • A Paragraph on the "Page Of Champions"

    The Loser:

  • Matt's Year Ten photo, framed, and signed by the idiot himself. Collector's item!
  • So come on guys, get out your pens and papers and get craking on a rad story! Make sure to stick the rules, but more importantly: Have fun!
    When you're done with your story, send it to me at volcomstalker@hotmail.com. Oompa-Loompa!