NEWSPAPER MENU (an
opaque conversation with Mr. Sh.)
only roast, and roast as much as possible–a journalist’s oath
More meat, blood, fat, and
greasy spots – the secret of success
Those suffering from chronic
gastritis, frequent belching, intermittent constipation, or excessive shyness –
please, do not even try to pay attention!
You cannot chew a newspaper –
unless you either recuperate, or die.
And never serve a menu without
a thorough study of the client’s purse! (the golden rule)
- A hot fact – what can be better and more
fragrant? Serve only fresh, directly from a hot fry-pen, and serve the
table only with knives, nothing more!
- A hot peppered fact – a great piece of Oriental
cuisine for these keen on fresh meat! And don’t economize pepper, pour it
by cups – these lovers of spicy, piquant, and little bit fragrant things
will be thankful to you for their whole lives.
- A hot fact with horseradish – a favorite of
lonely or temporarily depressed women. If the portion of horseradish is
gradually increased, you may eventually serve just horseradish only,
without any facts – and no complaints will follow. The main thing is –
never make mistakes when you determine the sex of today’s client!
- A hot fact with blood – the favorite of all respectable
bourgeois. The bloodier the better… And don’t feign modesty in vain.. The
main thing – don’t give knuckle-dusters and pistols when you serve the
table. Otherwise – you risk being served yourself at the nearest table
tomorrow as the next hot fact… It is so important not to make any
- A hot smelly fact, a la François – and
don’t be embarrassed by the musty smell. Even if kept in a warm place, a
fact will never go bad. It just matures, gets cleaner, and becomes more
like Russian barrel-kept herring, French moldy cheese, or soldiers’ foot
binding. The main thing – don’t try to get it on the cheap. Such a
valuable dish cannot be cheap, especially when it is authentic.
- A hot fact with raisins and prunes – divine food
for the old bachelors and playboys. The main thing – do not economize the
raisins. Pour as much raisin as possible, without even a shadow of
stinginess, by heaps and piles – so that everything would be obscured by
the mountains of raisins. And include raisins into the menu calculation
- A hot fact with garlic and onion – food for the
spinsters, high-quality pensioners, and sanctimonious persons. Garlic and
onion remove well all other smells – such as smells of sweat or
excrements. If you will not go to some length to remove these bad smells,
as well as the hot smell of the roasted food as such, you clients may not
be able to eat at all, and may afterwards die of hunger and deprivations.
- A hot
fact with sexy berries – strawberry and raspberry – add in accordance with
the taste and face colors of the reader – is good for refined
connoisseurs, rude pigs and hardened criminals. When you serve this kind
of food, please, keep at a distance fro the client! Price is to be
prepaid, better through bank transfer.
- A twice hot fact – evil-wishers call it an
“overdone” fact, Russian slang word for it being “a sole”. Must we say
that the evil-wishers are always wrong? Strong teeth, healthy stomach, and
total absence of any alternative food – all we need for a full
satisfaction of all the present persons.
Concluding remarks: Once you read this
brief menu, you don’t need to have dinners or suppers any more. You will not
have any problems with food – only with stomach…
Just have the time to digest and pay for a new newspaper pleasures.
I have told you much less than I have thought, but it is more than enough
for you now.
(“opaque conversation” – internal).