| January 6, 2004 Feelings again -My first random thought ever on this website was called “Feelings”. And instead of talking like I’m all smart and stuff like I usually do to satisfy my worthless ego, I’m just going to write about feelings and what comes from the heart. And so I start a New Year of random thoughts and experiences with plain and simple human feelings and emotion; plain and simple desire and pain. Parting is such sweet sorrow indeed. Have you ever desired something so much you can taste it? For me it tastes like sweet honey with a dash of cinnamon and cocoa. Having that which you desire so close, yet so far away is the tragedy yet at the same time the beauty of it all. What a paradox these feelings are, directly contradicting each other yet existing with each other. So warm and attractive, yet I cannot embrace them how I’d like. I cannot give her my whole heart. I cannot place her sweet lips upon mine. And most frustrating of all, and most frustrating of all to Keith Wojciech himself, is there are some things in which I cannot control despite my best efforts to control them or influence them. I feel like a parent dropping their child off to their freshman year in college. Sure you train them up the best you know how, you can impart truth and wisdom to them the best you know how, but ultimately the decisions they make with their individual independence can be made only by them. It kind of reminds me of the coaching cliché coaches make to players by saying they can only coach, they can’t play for the team. But have you ever had that happen to you in your life? Have you ever been given something you want that you can’t accept? It feels like a cruel joke at first almost. I am jealous of those that are given what they desire and that they can totally accept with no reservations. I haven’t been given that opportunity; I’ve never been given that opportunity. Maybe it will be otherwise in the future sometime, I don’t know. But it’s a tough way to go through life. Life is hard. Do I discount all hope? No, but I realize the here and now is seemingly cruel to me at the risk of sounding honestly selfish. How do you tell someone they mean the world to you when you can’t tell them you love them? How do you justify you actions and words when you knew all along it would come to this? Did I allow this to happen out of my own selfishness? Or is there some cosmic plan taking place I’m unaware of that was hatched in a dimension/dimensions not of my own? Is the story not come to an end yet? Is this roadblock only me, an ignorant interloper? I feel like Gandalf when I say that in my heart I believe it not to be even when all reality up to this point shows no signs of hope. How can I possibly know what’s going on in the heart of another individual? I can’t and I must trust in Providence; in the same loving care that put Neptune and Orion in the sky so carefully and so lovingly. I don’t apologize for my aimless and pwobwabwy confusing thoughts. I needed to write a “Dear Diary”-type exposition. I don’t care if the world reads my thoughts. I feel the world will understand what I’m going through. I think we all go through this in some shape or form. We all experience these emotions of desire and hurt and pain and happiness. It’s the full spectrum of knowing blood runs through your veins I guess. You can’t have joy without pain, you can’t have day without night, and you can’t have victories without losses. So many people put things like sex and kissing in such high regard, rightfully done or wrongfully done, when it comes to relationships, but goodness, what a weak, meaningless, and almost negligible part of a relationship compared to these foundational emotions and feeling shared between two people. Heck, in a perfect relationship you wouldn’t even need sex or even physical contact; the emotional, intellectual, and spiritual association and interaction between two lovers would already satisfy what the soul ultimately longs for. There's so much more to love than chemical reactions based on pleasing oneself. I guess I’m just tired of living in a fallen world. I’m tired of not being able to come close to the standard of perfection that God requires from us. I’m tired of living in a carnal, dying body subject to sin, pride, and entropy. I’m tired of trying and falling time and again. I’m tired of fooling myself into thinking I can do anything right, anything righteous, or anything good. I just want to fall into the arms of one that cares beyond any quantity I could comprehend. That is attractive to me...humble love. No rules, just right...that is the kind of love I want. That is the kind of love everybody wants down deep. And I want to share that love, I want to give that love, I want to proclaim that love, and I want to feel that love. And so I sit here reveling in the sweet sorrow that is parting. I’ve got in over my head, no doubt, but I do not regret it. Not only has it brought me closer to a beauty within reach, it has brought me to a more intimate relationship with thou that I cannot touch yet remains beautiful to me. With joy there is pain, with happiness exists sorrow. And what I have half gotten myself into and half received shows no signs of messing with the laws of nature. Yet take heart myself, like Sam says, “We may yet see them again Mr. Frodo...we may yet.” Not all tears are of evil... |