| March 24, 2004 Confused --Let’s start with Diet Vanilla Coke. I can’t seem to taste it anymore. I can’t tell whether its me just going through some health anomaly, whether I’m going through something a lot deeper, or I’ve just gotten a couple defect bottles, but I can’t seem to taste the taste of Diet Vanilla Coke. And that’s just the start... Staying along the lines of pragmatism, my home computer is on the fritz. For some unknown (and believe me, I’ve done every troubleshoot technique to make it known) reason, my computer just freezes during startup. Maybe once in a blue moon I’ll be able to log into the OS, but it doesn’t take very long for the computer to lock up again. I’ve since bought myself a nice brand new laptop from Dell (though haven’t received it yet) so my computer troubles will be gone soon, but I do have many old and sentimental files like old games, old documents from college, tons of music, cute pictures of Marit, old emails, old IM conversations, etc. Suffice to say, I’d be very, very downtrodden if I can’t recover those files. The only bright side to this equation, one not being the $1500 ejected from my bank account for a new computer, is that I’ll finally be able to re-ignite my PC-gaming habit. It’s been far too long since the great days of Quake II Arena, Half-Life, Counter-Strike, Age of Empires, Starcraft......ah, the good ol’ days of skipping class so I could play on Battle.net or on the dorm LAN.....errr....ahem!.....um I mean I never missed a class because of video games.....nevvvver..... Well I’m very much looking forward to finally having a system that can handles today’s games! Some games I’ll be sure to buy soon are Port Royale, Rise of Nations, Far Cry, and perhaps Doom III and Half-Life 2, though those two games will probably require a new 128MB graphics card....though my 64MB ATI should suffice. Ok, I’m getting off topic here. Back to my confusion... I didn’t have a good day last Sunday. It reminded me of worse days and I didn’t deal with my instability and confusion very well. Sundays are my least favorite days I’ll admit. Most people would call that sacrilegious or heretical considering it’s deemed the “Sabbath” day and day of rest, but I’m just being honest. Sundays suck. I get to wake up and go to a church that’s probably just full of a lot of anti-climatic conforming individuals who let the pastors do the deep thinking for them so they don't have to deal with the real issues of life, love, and why. Sure, there’s a couple people I like to see when I go, but let’s be honest, most of it is just sugar talk, nothing really deep, and the whole time I’d wish I was in bed. Sundays outside of football season suck even worse cause there’s nothing to do. I usually just sloth around or sleep. Anyways, the kicker that makes Sundays the worst is the knowledge that the next morning I have to get up at 6:30am and go all week sitting in front of a computer screen; the ultimate crappy irony. So call me a heretic, Lord knows I don’t care what men think of me and my ways, but I’m being honest. So now that you know I hate Sundays, usually, this past Sunday sucked worse than usual and that wasn’t fun. I got in a heated argument with my dad, about the very “church” subject, I felt kind of sick (though prolly not really), that’s when my computer started to break, and I didn’t want to go to work on Monday. Sometimes I just don’t know what I’m doing. Like why am I here (if even there is a reason), and where am I going? The two most prevalent internal questions each human asks themselves. Then I ask myself should I worry about things or not? I mean if God has everything under control, then logically I shouldn’t have a worry in the world. But where does my ability to choose and God’s sovereignty end, if at all? Further, how can I be responsible for actions already dictated by a divine hand? Yes, I’m fully aware of God’s superior existence and that he exists simultaneously in our 4 dimensions as well as in however many exist outside of ours, so I know he can work his mojo perfectly consistent with his character though seemingly contradictory to our intellects (as described by only the Bible).... see, it’s conundrums like this that just make me want to quit. I’m tired of this, I’m tired of thinking, I’m tired of doubting, I’m tired of pouting. A lot of people have visions of grandeur and magnificent glory for Heaven. Well they can have their golden gates and blaring trumpets. Just give me an eternal hammock, one for me and one for Jesus, on a tropical beach, a couple drinks, maybe some soft music in the background and I’m set... I just want to rest, rest from this decaying life. I had more thoughts on my confusion but they’ve drifted away. I came across this little piece this morning while reading one of my mom’s devotionals. It was written by this guy Charles Stanley (i have no idea who he is). But his words, though simple, are very comforting. Assurance of eternal security is the only thing keeping me going. It’s the difference between my sin being eternal damnation and it just being my self-afflicted depression. Sure some days may go really crappy, like last Sunday, or the fews years I was at college, but the assurance factor allows for a 100% joy capacity 24-7. Never do I have to wonder about salvation, and that’s a comfortable state to be in. Though my sin skews my fellowship with Christ, it never breaks it, for he’s always faithful to pull me back, dust me off, and send me out again. Life as a Christian really is like boxing I guess. Most of the time we trade blows with the world and Satan, getting beat up and bloodied, round after round, with only short respites and rejuvanations here and there. And also like boxing, fortunately the fight ends after 12 rounds. I don’t know what round I’m in, and it sure feels like I’m fighting Satan’s version of Iron Mike, but it’s comforting to know I’ll win in the end by TKO in the 12th round. Satan’s first knockdown was when he got ejected from Heaven, his second was when Christ defeated his dominion of death, and his third is when God will open up a can of Armageddon whoop-a$$ on him at a later date. So I guess my temporary confusion is merely a right hook I took to the temple. I’m experiencing concussion-like symptoms and things are a bit woozy at the moment. But it’ll pass I guess. I guess ya just gotta keep running the race and striving for that prize that we have in our Lord and Savoir Jesus Christ. -grace my friends. “As Easter approaches, we focus our thoughts on the sacrifice of Jesus Christ at Calvary. From His atonement springs our blessed assurance of salvation and eternal life. Many people who trust Christ as their Savior know they are saved but are not quite certain about eternal security, the work of God that guarantees salvation is permanent. They believe salvation can somehow be lost through wrong actions or a voluntary choice to forfeit it. Eternity is one of God’s promises, and He wants His children to be confident about their guaranteed future with Him. That is why the Word of God says, “These things I have written to you who believe in the name of the Son of God, so that you may know that you have eternal life.” (1 John 5:13, emphasis added). In fact, not even one scriptural passage in any way limits the saving power of Christ’s all-sufficient, sacrificial, substitutionary death. The Bible teaches that when we receive Jesus Christ as Savior, we unquestionably have eternal life. This God-given assurance influences every aspect of our faith and is a foundational cornerstone for effective and godly service in the power of the Holy Spirit. A believer who is sure of eternity is not working to get something from God, but is diligently serving Him out of love and devotion. The promise of heaven affects our understanding of repentance and forgiveness. We repent of our sins in order to receive Christ as our Savoir. That is, we change our thinking about sinful behavior and confess our helplessness to God. Because of that repentance, we receive forgiveness and are “saved” – our eternal life starts immediately and continues without interruption. Thereafter, confession and repentance are not necessary for gaining our forgiveness, because we already possess a full measure. Instead, repentance makes right our fellowship with Christ. Assurance of salvation depends upon eternal security. Basing salvation upon anything other than the finished work of Jesus Christ on the cross puts a person on shaky ground. Attempting to involve oneself in the salvation process by good works or right behavior leads to doubts about eternity- such thinking can lead people to feel they must earn God’s good will and heaven. Grace is a gift. If we add a single work requirement to salvation, it is no longer a gift; it is payment for services rendered, and that is simply not how God works in the life of the believer.” That’s what Christ is about, that’s what makes him attractive and unique...and that is comforting. but then again, maybe I'm just confused... |