Sometimes I feel insecure (I wish I had a female companion)…3:23am thoughts
Sometimes I feel insecure,
I desire company very much.
The soft touch of a girl,
the reassuring hint of her words.
Sometimes I want that very much,
I desire it more than all things.
Sometimes I’ll lower my standards just to get even a false representation of that,
feeling used and abused and shameful afterwards; the effects of sin.
Sometimes I look around at my peers, my friends.
Just this weekend I played basketball with a guy my age.
He was married.
A guy my age married? Married?!
I know of guys my age that are married and have a kid.
They are fathers.
A guy my age a father? A Father?!
And I look back to myself and wonder, what is this all about, relationships and all.
Why do I have this deep yearning to have someone by my side, to spend the rest of my life like that?
Why is my mind constantly thinking about relationships,
those far and near,
those deep and superficial?
Why? Why can’t I be content in my present state? Why do I desire so much,
company, female companionship?
Sometimes I feel insecure,
most of the time I feel this way.
I hide it well, yes.
I make it seem like I’m perfectly fine by myself when deep down I wish I had a girl,
someone to talk to all the time, to buy things for all the time, to play with her little brothers, to go fishing with her dad, to eat dinner with her family at Easter, to take out on dates, to cuddle together on Friday nights to watch a movie…
Is this me talking or my insecurity?
Am I just another helpless pawn of the media marketing machine?
Is this my nature of my veiled forced-on destiny?
I cannot tell and it tears me apart.
I wish for someone,
someone gentle.
Someone loving,
caring, someone to talk to about life, love, and why and about Jesus and me and her.
I want someone to hold her hand and walk along the beach and pick up shell and throw rocks at the seagulls flying around.
Is that so bad? Why am I so opposed to what everyone else seems to have no problem doing?
Why do I have to be this rebel without a seeming cause? I’m no James Dean. I’m a calm, gentle, well-balanced boy. What kind of crusade am I on here exactly?
Do I claim to be this stalwart of purity and neglect to tell everyone about my evil thoughts and closest goings-ons? What girl would want to even look at me had she known what really goes on in this EbbWorld of mine? No one I assume. But could I ever be honest with one? For fear of losing her forever?
Why do I fear? We’re all flawed, all tarnish, all unclean. We’re a collection of dirties, managing breath by not our own power, by not our own desire, by not our own will.
Sometimes I feel insecure, like the world has beaten me down, and that I’m defeated for desiring someone…someone to hold close….to not have to worry about…to not to have any reservations about….for no red flags to be apparent….for all sign pointing to “yes”….for all feeling to guide toward “she is the one”….or am I being selfish…am I being egotisical, audacious?…..why oh why are these desires for female companionship, real relational connection….so…so powerful…so near….yet so volatile….ready to blow up either way…the right or wrong way…
Sometimes I’m so close to complete destruction, caring not that I’d bring down a girl with me…sometimes the selfishness is so near, so close, so overbearing I can almost take it no longer. Yet grace has stayed my hand so far…yet my flesh is strong, and threatens my future at every moment it gets…
Do I continue in this path of uncertain insecurity?
Or do I let it all go once and for all, emotional castration?
…
…
…
Uncertainly may cause insecurity and anxiety, but it is how we’re built. I guess it’s where you put your trust in that matters. I cannot control this spherical chunk of dirt we live on….so stop thinking you can Keith…
Sometimes I feel insecure…and I wish I had a female by my side to hug and to hold and to cry upon...
“Sometime,
they say love is blind,
but I think dumb is what they had in mind.”
-Spiritualized