Reconciling with the institution of marriage
-Life is a journey. We are born, we grow, we learn, and we die. We never completely get “there”, at least not in this life, so it’s always a process of personal evolution with a few specific revolutions and epiphanies occurring here and there. I am not “there” yet, where ever “there” really is. I am learning. Though society would consider me an “adult” and if I committed a crime the paper would read, “A 24 year old man was charged with...”, I consider myself somewhat stuck between being a “man” and being a “child”. This is not necessarily a bad thing I don’t think. But I’m merely disclaiming that despite my strong (and sometimes overt) opinions and convictions seemingly founded in absoluteness, I am wrong many a time (unrelated to this article, that is my single worst fear...being wrong about life, love, and why). How the nerds does this have to do with the institution of marriage Keith? Glad you asked.
It’s no secret that I have many aversions towards the many popular interpretations of what the purpose, function, and necessity of marriage are; both secular and non-secular interpretations. How this relates to the previous paragraph is that I’m finding out that I was previously wrong on certain interpretations of what the purpose and function of marriage. (Why I don’t mention “necessity” here is because I refuse to recant my stance that marriage is not necessary, in the meaningful sense of the word (spiritually). Disregarding religious faux pas, marriage is not necessary for the procreation of the human race, so you can’t play that card either. In short, marriage is never necessary for anything. Which is a comforting thought really, because it forces two individuals to choose to be together out of complete desire to be just that and nothing more; no obligation or forced compromises, is the optimal marital situation of pure heart devotion.)
What’s this has led to, because of my newly acute observations of marriages around me and my own self, is a new appreciation for the refinement that occurs within a marriage that does not as easily occur in singlehood. The main refinement I’m referring to is that of selfishness/selflessness. My brother told me about this transformation and my sister has alluded to it also in the past. Marriage causes you to think about someone other than yourself. Prior to marriage, we think mostly about ourselves and our own going ons; some more than others. I’d like to think I’m ok in thinking about others, but the truth of the matter is I mostly revolve around Planet Keith. The things that cross my mind most of the day are usually about what part I’m ordering for my cars, what video game I can buy next, if I’ll be able to catch the game tonight, what am I gonna get for dinner, etc.? That things that don’t usually cross my mind are like how can I serve my parents tonight, does this homeless person need some assistance, how can I cheer up my friend, is there more I can do for this charity, etc.? Though marriage doesn’t instantly turn you into a Mother Teresa, it does force you to start on the path of selflessness starting with acting that way towards your spouse. It also forces you to concern yourself with two lives, instead of just your own. This leads to the lessening of yourself, and to the morering (I know it’s not a word) of others. Good attributes to work towards no doubt.
And though I’m beginning to realize certain benefits and refinements marriage can help cause, I do retain my obstinacy towards some marital interpretations still. The following amendments still hold true for EbbWorld:
1. Marriage is not the only way to learn to become more selfless.
-Folks, it shouldn’t take marriage to teach us how to become selfless individuals. Yeah it definitely forces us to humble ourselves in many respects, but that’s something we need to do in or out of a marital relationship. And just like in marriage, the main cog behind the transformation is God of course. He uses the circumstance of marriage to work on our hearts through direct relational means, but it by no means restricts His ability to work in our lives as singles just as effectively if not more. Paul alludes to this in 1 Corinthians 7:32-35.
2. Marriage should not be our scapegoat for not dealing with our current unselfishness.
-A lot of people talk about how their friends or family members really “matured” once they got married. Usually it’s an ambiguous accolade, but for the most part I think they’re referring to the gradually unselfish attitude the newly married person develops as a result of marriage, as described above. Though this may be true, this leads unmarried folk to subconsciously believe a certain level, "pinnacle" if you will, of unselfishness can only be obtained when one is married. And so they neglect dealing with their current selfishness by subconsciously convincing themselves that “it’ll all be better when I get married”. As mentioned in the first amendment, I think we can all agree that God can work in us not only in marriage but outside also (I mean look at people like Paul of Tarsus and Mother Teresa. Both single, yet both full of vast deposits of selflessness). We cannot play the “marriage” card as a scapegoat for failing to be honest with our current state of spiritual affairs. This amendment can only be accomplished by accepting amendment 1 though.
3. Marriage is not guaranteed. Therefore we should not focus on it, but Christ.
-Heck this is basically the whole premise of my book, but it’s true. I’d venture a guess that almost every single Christian, and anyone else for that matter, has bought into the lie that they’re guaranteed marriage. What a tragedy and what a victory for Satan. While we’re all here pouting about how we’re 28 and not married yet (or gasp, not even seeing anyone at the moment), Satan is yucking it up at all the lost hours and years of living for Christ 100% he’s successfully sucked out of our insecure souls. Though 1 Corinthians 7:32-35 speaks of divided interests among married folk, it doesn't just constrict it to those that are technically married, but to even those I describe above; the ones that expect marriage and live lives focused on obtaining it. A house divided will fall, as will a discontentment with our relationship with Christ.
These three main amendments still hold true on my heart, as well as various other nuisances and annoyances I find in today’s and history’s infatuation with marriage, especially Christians. As I indicated above though, these convictions are subject to change. Though I don’t believe they’ll be completely abandoned by me, it’s possible they’ll be refined as I learn more about life, love, and why. Is it possible that I’ll be married someday? Sure. Is it probable? Yes it is. Do I desire to get married? Heck yes! So it’d be dishonest to label me, in light of these amendments, as “anti-marriage”. But I refuse to buy into the robot-like culture we live in. Yes, I’m realizing more and more the benefits marriage brings, and I think I’m reconciling with that more and more also; but let’s not get too ahead of ourselves just yet and maintain our original heading and course. Let’s keep running this race for the true prize. Not one that can rust or fade away, but the one that lasts. Let’s keep our eyes and hearts focused on Christ and nothing else. For when we do that, everything else will fall into place just fine thank you very much.