WARNING!! If you ever happen to come across an evil-looking porcupine, then, whatever you do, DON'T make eye contact with it. If you do, it will follow you around for the rest of your entire life. I kid you not. It will not leave you alone until it is content with your level of evil porcupineliness (i.e NEVER). It will steal every single pomegranet from every single grocery store within 20 miles of your house. It will swiftly and subtly kick you up the backside when you are least expecting it. It will raid your wardrobe and STEAL EVERY SINGLE PAIR OF BLUE SOCKS THAT YOU HAVE EVER OWNED!!!! It will quickly remove your credit card from your wallet when you are not looking and then it will go on a major shopping spree and spend ALL YOUR MONEY!! Down to the very last penny until you are in serious debt. And THEN it will hide all your electricity bills that arrive via the post so that you are unable to pay them, and when you are having a particularly abysmal day, it will be made worse by the fact that YOU HAVE NO ELECTRICITY!!! It will dominate your computer and answer all your emails in a very abusive and uncivil manner. It will imitate your voice and make rude remarks about all the passers-by. It will cause you to do stupidly random things like locking your car-key inside your car so you are unable to get back in. It will make you say dumb things in the middle of very important meetings. It will manipulate people's minds and give them the uncontrollable desire to pelt you with unknown dangerous objects. It will talk you into going outside with a pair of infantile underwear on your head and a sock on your left hand, so that you look like a complete and utter imbecile. It will take all of your belongings and throw them out of the window. It will remove all hair-care products from within your bathroom and replace them with bottles of hydrogen peroxide. It will cause you to bang your head against the wall for no particular reason, and it will reprogram your brain into demolition mode so that, by tomorrow, you will have destroyed half the continent. It will re-write all the history books ever made because it wants you to think that Alexander Fleming was the first man on the moon, and that he wore a funny bobble-hat. It will prank call the white house using your mobile phone. It will replace all your favourite CDs with albums by Britney Spears (If, by any chance, you happen to be a fan of Britney Spears, then I still have a very small space in my cold, cruel heart to feel immensly sorry for you). It will wake you up in the middle of the night and make you watch THE TWEENIES!! So that you have consistent nightmares about Milo and that horrendously ridiculous spotty dog.
It is capable of turning YOU into an evil porcupine.
If you do not manage to send this to 100,000 people within the next 48 hours (see, the evil porcupine wishes to give you time), then your head will become so swollen that you won't be able to fit through the door. And you will grow webbed feet. Buuuuuuuut even if you are able to send this email as instructed, your head will still swell up to the size of an abnormally large balloon, and you will still grow webbed feet. Why bother opening this in the first place?
(In case you were wondering: a) no, I am not insane and b) not even under the craziest of circumstances will any of this ever come true, so stop gawping and get on with life.)
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