Avril Lavigne. Considered by many to be the new-age leader and the perfect role-model. However, there are those who strongly disagree with this idea, and these people are what I like to call “Sensible, strong-willed individuals”. As we all know, Lavigne has labeled herself a “Skater-punk”, claimed that she “plays guitar and writes her own songs”, categorized her own music as “Rock”, and dealt a horrendous blow to all Britney-lovers across the globe. This cannot go on. She must be stopped. “But how?” I hear you cry. Calm down my fellow earthlings. We are all in this together. There must be a way. All Avril-lovers must see the real face of Lavigne. They shall soon know that there is a significant difference between “Real” and “Fake”.
I have a sufficient amount of reasons to stand by when dealing with pesky Avril-worshippers.
First of all, do you not think that someone who feels the need to make it known to the world that she plays the guitar would actually do so when given the chance? Well, I do. But Miss. Lavigne seems to think otherwise. When performing live and acoustic on some weird program blah (which would have been the perfect opportunity to prove herself as a guitarist), she cleverly decided to sit and sing. Without her precious guitar that she claims to be able to play. Oh yes, being able to play three chords really counts as something. Oh yes, and the MTV Asia awards? Nope. No guitar there either. She left all the hard work to her band. I am starting to sympathize with these poor guys.
Ahem, anyway, April is soooooo original. She writes her own songs, with help from The Matrix and a couple of other professional songwriters of course. Now, forgive me if I`m not correct, but I believe that people who claim to write their own songs actually do. ALONE. Unlike a certain Miss. Lavigne.
Now, moving on. “I don`t want to be no fake pop shit.” Sound familiar? Ah yes, this is Avril trying to tell us something. What is it Avril? Surely you cannot be talking about yourself here. Hmm… Although she wants it known that she is “no Britney”, even you have to admit that her music is undoubtedly poppy. Sk8er boi (I ask you, do you know anybody over the age of 12 writing in text speak in a non-sms zone?) is the only remotely lively song on the album. Yet the lyrics are incredibly juvenile and the overall storyline is something that I would be able to expect from a ten year old. If you have listened to the track “Nobody`s Fool”, you may have noticed that Avril has managed to overdo the whole fake hardcore scenario by rapping in a couple of the verses. Of course, there is nothing wrong with rapping. People like Eminem do it all the time. But, coming from Avril, there is bound to be a catch. This is due to the fact that most of the lyrics in this song make absolutely no sense whatsoever.
Having said all this, it does not necessarily mean that every song on the album is completely and utterly, well, crappy. When I first heard “Complicated”, it didn`t seem to me like the sardonic, hypocritical song that it turned out to be. Neither did “Sk8er boi”. In fact, if I were to listen to an instrumental version of “Sk8er Boi” right now, it is safe to say that I would be able to sit and listen to it without throwing up all over myself.
Now we must move on to another topic: “Avril the notorious anti-flesh/anti-prep/anti-pop/anti-humbug leader.” It upsets me to hear that some people actually believe all the idiotic fatuity that is fed to us by the media. Listen, they are currently under the impression that the nation`s youths all have small, impressionable minds that are just waiting to be molded into shape. Because of Avril`s sudden ferocious verbal onslaught, former Britney fans have turned against their former idol, as they consider Lavigne to be “the real deal”. Former Anti-Britneys like myself have just been introduced another inevitably hate-able person to hate. Praise the lords for this fantastic opportunity. Or not. We were happy with hating Britney.
Anyway, Christina Aguilera has also been a target of Lavigne`s criticism because her clothes are, to some extent, too slutty for Miss. Anti-flesh`s liking. Okay, so Christina may be a slut, but she is far better at being an individual than Avril Lavigne will ever be. Also, one listen to Aguilera`s song “Beautiful”, and the meaning is clear: Everyone is beautiful in every single way. Many people can relate to and appreciate this song, whereas April Grapevine is too busy singing about skater boys and other people being of great annoyance to herself.
This just goes to show that the music industry is clearly running out of ideas. We wanted a change from Britney, and we got this. An ordinary teenaged girl lucky enough to be blessed with a reasonable voice, dressed in a Halloween costume. Out there to prove that she is “different” from everybody else because she co-writes her own songs and doesn`t play the guitar. I think I may have come to a conclusion. It appears that Avril may have some sort of inferiority complex, either that or she suffers from a severe case of schizophrenia.
So. Do I have the attention of all readers now? That is good to hear. I hope the observant ones are still following the light. If you wish to email me while we are still on the subject of Avril-hating, then please remember to write something worth reading. I wish to read intelligent comments, no matter how cynical they are. Also, if you wish to write to me saying that I have missed out a much needed exclamation mark in paragraph five, line four, then hear this: There is a very good reason as to why I asked the observant ones to follow the light. I think you`d better join them.