The third type to look out for:  Those who post pictures of themselves taken from a space satellite. I guess it’s cute if you work for NASA, but otherwise shots from Hubble will only get you labeled a space oddity, and rightly.  Remember: The point of pictures, mates, is that they’re worth a thousand words.  Will it be a lovely lyric poem or a user’s manual?  But chin up!  Beautiful poems can be made from ugly things, too, as Baudelaire amply proved!
Now, blokes who don’t post or send pics usually have some excuse, like: 

“My scanner [webcam, keyboard, mouse, etc.] is out order.” or, better yet: “Istanbul [London, Bangkok, Buenos Aires, etc.] is a small city with an incestuous scene, you know.” This is the old “people talk” excuse.  “I don’t want to post a picture where you can make out my face, just in case someone I know should happen to see it.”  First of all, it’s not my problem you’ve sucked every dick in Soho.  And secondly, what’s your mom, pop, or the parish priest doing surfing queer sites where they’re supposedly gonna come upon your pics, eh?  Two words: PERSECUTION MANIA.  Look closely at this excuse and you’ll see it is clear evidence of delusional thinking. Do you think the whole world is logged onto gaydar?  Toggling between Office Suite and pisspigs.com, wanking in their cubicles at work like you?  Do you think everyone spends seven or eight hours a day downloading smut from www.twinksahoy.com?  I wonder if people who swap pics of kitties and horsies on yahoo! think the same way.

Which brings me to my next point…

What sort of pics should I post?

OK, kitties and horsies are out.  As are snapshots of you as a child.  Two words: kiddie porn.  Don’t do it.  There are three general categories of pics you’ll find posted on the web.  The face pic, the prick pic, and the personality pic.  The last of these may be bypassed, depending on your personality, if you have one.  You can always substitute a bum shot for the personality pic.  But as is well known and documented, fully 99.9% of the population has a face, and roughly half a prick (I mean that roughly half the population has a prick, not that 99.9% of the population has roughly half a prick—it’s probably more like 30 or 40%, actually, if my own extensive research over the years can be trusted).  These then are the three things your visitors in the virtual sphere are interested in, aside from rummage sales and Queer as Folk.  So give the people what they want! That’s entertainment!
For the face pic to be effective, your face should be visible somewhere in it.  Preferably front and center!  Whether you look like a chiseled runway model or an old grizzled piece of regurgitated corned beef, you might just as well be up front about it and save us all a lot of heartache and misery, eh? 

Faces tell us a lot about a person.  I mean, that’s probably why we’ve got them in the first place, instead of having our arses sitting on top of our shoulders (well, most of us, anyway).  Which is not to say all arses are
equally attractive, but one is probably just about as good as another for most things.  Who cares whether an arse looks sincere or not, for example? 

But back to faces.  Evolutionary biologists tell us that symmetry of facial features is an indication of healthy genes, and even though you can’t improve your own genetic circumstances by sucking sperm from a genetically superior cock (at least this has yet to be proved), scientists say sweat from symmetrical blokes smells better, and probably their spunk is tastier, too.

So what sort of face should I make?

Good question!  But très, très difficult to answer, mon frère.  I suppose it depends on what kind of face you’ve got.  Maybe having a looksee at some examples of common facial expressions found on the web will help clarify the issue.
Cheeky.  What does this young yummie’s look say?  “Hey dudes!  I’m totally straight just like all my frat brothers, but you can come over and feel my muscles.  And suck my dick if you want.  I also love having my nuts licked, so if you got a buddy who can do it while you’re sucking me off, bring him along!  The more the merrier!”
to be continued...
got a question for Uncle Vronsky? vronsky69@yahoo.com
URGENT QUERIES!
sam757 from Seattle, Washington writes:

Dear Uncle Vronsky,

I have been chatting with this guy on the 'net for, like, a week, and it's getting really hot and heavy.  But he's all the way in Sydney!  I couldn't even dream of going there in real life, and he's not planning to come here anytime soon.  What can we do??

Hmm.  Well, sam, it's a puzzler.  Where to begin?  I reckon you have to consider a couple of things here.  First of all, what is internet romance?  I mean, is it a pale copy of the real thing, or a thing in itself?  And if virtual romance is a thing in itself, should it follow the same rules as real-life romance? Secondly, what's the half-life of the average internet romance?  A week is stretching it.  You're entering LTR territory here, little buddy. 
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continued...
Coy is generally a no-no, especially for the boomer set (you guys are gettin’ up there!).  Probably, none of us is a virgin, so let’s just dispense with that whole “you want me to what your what? Tee hee hee!” attitude.  Cutesy went out with the hoola-hoop, boys. What does this coy boy’s look say?  “Hey there, dudes!  Travis (or Brad or Tyler or Bry) here.  Just your average, ordinary cock tease.  Wanna waste lots and lots of time chasing me around and not even get a peep at my itty-bitty little prick hehehehe?”  He can almost pull it off because he’s soooooo cuuute! :-)))))))))).  He might as well be a eunuch.
Desultory can be dangerous.  Nothing is more pathetic than someone deluding himself about his sex appeal alone in the loo, and then posting the results in public.  So be careful!  This desultory little devil here can work his magic on us because he’s built like a brick shithouse, as my dear old dad used to say (he was talking about Racquel Welch, though).  Still his look is strictly for suckers.  It says, “come on over and maybe we can watch each other wank!  And if you’re really hot I’ll let you give me a handjob!”
The well-as-long-as-you’re-under-the-table-anyway-why-don’t-you-blow-me look is ever so  popular nowadays.
The you-gonna-blow-me-or-what? look is quite similar to the you-gonna-look-at-‘em-or-lick-‘em? look (below), only a tad more aggressive.  Do you scent that whiff of danger in the air?  This look is for Tops only, but that particular type of top who likes to lie on his back and make you do all the hard work of getting fucked.  Often he puts his hands behind his head and watches in bemused silence as you bob up and down on his dick.  And he’ll come when he’s goddamn good and ready, which means you could be at it for awhile.
Here’s the you-gonna-look-at-‘em-or-lick-‘em? look.  It’s usually used by sentimental bottoms, who want to be fucked with a little emotion (that means you have to kiss them on the mouth and lick their nadgers).  It says, “I’m not just another pretty bum!  I’ve got nice nuts, too!”  This look is a little bit coy, it’s true, but who cares when you’re about to score?
The old I-guess-you’ll-have-to-wank-me-mate-since-I-can’t-do-it-myself-with-these-boxing-gloves-on look has been a favorite of sportsmen the world round since time immemorial.  Sportsmen are very crafty at finding ways of getting off, aren't they?
The face pic