| IMPRISONED ….ON A PSYCHIATRIC WARD by E. Joan Rohrer Stigma and discrimination have been experienced personally, although my idea of what they are is quite different from how most diagnosed mentally ill would perceive them. We are not only discriminated by the community, but by psychiatry and the system itself. I believe we are discriminated from the start by the very diagnosis and further by treatment as it is carried out today. It CAN be different. MY MISSION IS TO TELL MY STORY SO OTHERS WILL KNOW THEY, TOO, CAN HEAL…AND TO INFLUENCE THE TREATMENT OF MENTAL ILLNESS FOREVER. A mighty dream? Yes, but so was my dream of healing and I have accomplished this. The diagnosis of manic-depressive illness was made in 1974. I was treated for major depression since 1967, a depression that in retrospect began long before that time. There was an 18 year marriage with three children born in three years. The marital relationship was riddled with ridicule and verbal abuse. When the children were 2, 3, & 4 we moved in December and each Christmas thereafter for the next five years. This would be challenging I suppose for a more stable person. When I was pregnant with my youngest in 1959, I had the Asian flu. Usually I was pretty healthy without many colds. This was the first time I had ever had the flu bug. After the major symptoms left I still could not function to care for my two daughters, 2 and 1 years old. I called my OB/GYN who prescribed Dexamil to 'pep me up.' He did this in my 5th month of pregnancy! This was an amphetamine, later known as 'street speed'. Yes, it did indeed get me off the couch and active. This substance gave me the PEP I needed to do the impossible tasks ahead with all the moves to different houses in different cities in the next five years. I began relying on this substance, not thinking I was abusing it. At that time amphetamines were given freely. No one knew the harmful effects this substance had on the mind/body. Doctors are just 'practicing' medicine and had found these worked to help people. The power and influence amphetamines had on humans wasn't known until years later. I could take the prescription from town-to-town and get it filled as often as I wished. In the third house we lived in during 1965 we had neighbors who enjoyed alcohol as we did. We would have evening beer parties and on the weekend champagne breakfasts. This was a not-so-healthy lifestyle considering my amphetamine use. December 1965 my pharmacist phoned me to tell me that the FDA passed new law prohibiting refilling the Dexamil prescription after January first. I had it filled seven times. That was what I could afford at the time. When the Dexamil ran out, so did I! I ran out of steam. Energy. Stamina. Ability to function at all. At the end, I was taking one at 3 a.m. when I went to bed so that I could wake up in the morning. I was going through the motions, but was I really functioning or living? There were six months left till we moved back to Cincinnati and I could go to my former OB/GYN who had prescribed the amphetamines. This doctor, of course, could not give me the amphetamines again but prescribed Desbutol. This was an upper and downer in the same pill. A barbituate. These helped some. I was spending lots of time crying. The marriage was not a good one, though I was far from realizing this. My husband was not pleased with me from the beginning and let me know it at every opportunity. He put me down and soon I put myself down with negative thinking and feelings of failure. There was lots of emotional pain even before he told me he wanted a divorce in 1971. The Desbutol lasted 8 months and my life was fast deteriorating. Again I wasn't aware of it except I couldn't get the activities of daily living accomplished for my family. I would oversleep and the children had to get themselves off to school. I would wake near noon and pack lunches and run them to school sometimes late. They were waiting without food. All the time my alcohol consumption continued, increasing. I learned much later that no one becomes an alcoholic without suffering a great deal of pain. We drink or use some other substance to assuage the pain. I used the prescription drugs, alcohol and food to heal the pain I felt in the failing marriage. This aided the illness-in-the-making I am certain. I feel emotional pain is greater to bear than physical pain.. I have had both. In October 1967, on a Sunday evening, my daughter begged to go out to ride her bike before bath time. She flew over the handlebars of the bike onto the pavement and broke her front permanent incisor. I was devastated. My husband was herding the children in for their baths; of course tomorrow was a school day. I cried uncontrollably and couldn't stop. A neighbor phoned her OB/GYN and he called in a prescription. This was for Valium, 100 mgs. a day. That's ten blues. Valium became the drug of the decade in the '70's…here again I was ahead of the times. Today Valium is rarely used and only at 2 mgs. a day. Of course I had no idea what I was taking, but IT WORKED! One l0 mg. Valium would stop the pain and tears for about 2 hours. Then the tears came again uncontrollably. I knew the importance of following doctor's orders and he had told me no more than ten a day. I kept a small Hallmark calendar in a box with colored pencils and marked red for the hormone he had me taking, green for my thyroid and BLUE for the Valium. When I had taken the tenth one I knew I had to go to bed because when the tears began I knew they could only be managed with the Valium. I wouldn't be able to take another till morning. Each morning I awoke sobbing. Time for another pill. This went on for 2 months before I went into hospital. I could have entered feet first! I was drinking alcohol along with the Valium. I never would drink before 3 p.m. because I thought if you drank earlier in the day you would be an alcoholic! Little did I know I already was one! Because of the Valium I slurred my words with one beer. With more I couldn't see clearly. One Saturday morning my husband woke up wanting to have a party, if only the house were in any condition to do so. Of course, I woke up sobbing. The more he talked about the mess of the house and wanting a party, the harder I cried. Valium or not. He got tired of listening to it and phoned the doctor who had done all he could and referred me to psychiatry. That was the beginning. A nervous breakdown? That's a catchall phrase. I was overdosing on prescribed pills. Seven years later came a psychotic break when I nearly took my daughter's life. I was tried and convicted of felonious assault, placed on 2 years probation. When I was given the diagnosis I had never even heard of mental illness, much less manic depression. This sent me straight to the library. And study I have ever since. In all, there were some 30 hospitalizations during my journey to wellness. My first psychiatrist was like a father figure and we dearly loved and cared for each other. I was with him 18 years. After 13 years, I became eager for more progress. He just had more drugs to offer. He was famous psychopharmacologist and lectured in the U.S. and Canada. He envisioned writing my story in a medical journal. He had faith in my doing well. This is now a plan of mine. In 1982 he had me on some 30 doses a day, some to counter the effects of others. That was the year I found a Reality Therapist who supported, encouraged and inspired me to change. To make significant changes in my life working toward living a normal life. With the support of my therapist and agreement with my psychiatrist I was able to go from 30 pills a day to 6 essential doses! This made a huge difference in my level of performance. Reality Therapy teaches that we are like a three-legged stool supported by legs of THINKING, FEELING and DOING. If we don't like how we are feeling or what we are thinking….we can always change what we are DOING. I came to believe that chemical imbalance or NOT, that mania was definitely a problem of crazy behavior! I set out to change. Little things and bigger things. I studied the Fine Arts. I volunteered. I began a daily reading habit. I used behavior modification. I read self-help books. I attended 12-Step meetings. I became active in my church. I cnaged many less-than-useful habits. I became sober. I quit a 3-pack-a-day cigarette habit. I worked on healthy eating. I studied psychology, Carl Jung, Freud, Napoleon Hill, W Clement Stone, Einstein's work and biographies of other successful people. What I found was that NO ONE has an easy way to go. We all have something to overcome. I feel fortunate to have had this challenge of mental illness to conquer. I began to realize there wasn't a person I would trade places with. I liked being me. I know that had the diagnosis not happened I may not have become as strong and independent. A favorite movie of mine is Shawshank Redemption. It is the story of imprisonment and escape to freedom. This I have done! Much as Tim Robbins swam to freedom from prison, I have swum through the muck and mire of medications to the good life I live today free of psychiatry. I am nearly 67 years old and have spent nearly half my life in treatment by psychiatry. I feel with more positive actions, understanding, unconditional love and varied treatments offered it could have been a much quicker recovery. One physician, my greatest teacher and worst abuser told me over and over that I would only get worse, not better as I aged. I suffered a Lithium toxicity under his care in 1990. His negative outlook, prognosis for my future, had it's effect. However, he did teach me that manias were just rage attacks. Erruptions of anger! This led to my studying anger and repressed rage. I learned not to allow further buildup of anger and deal with upsetting matters as soon as possible. Part of dealing with upsets is recognizing them. This is a matter of awareness of the world around us. My awareness has increased with lessened drugs or the healing. Today I see the things/people that cause negative feelings or anger and remove myself from the situation till I can deal with it. Today I am artist and writer and live a full productive life, no longer depressed or in raging mania. I volunteer my time, take care of my house, yard and finances. I am a published writer and have had art showings. I work on having improved relationships with friends and family. I have a definite major purpose and I move confidently in the direction of my dreams. This, I believe, constitutes wellness, wholeness and sanity. I truly am living a life I dreamed of long, long ago! We are not born with mental illness. Perhaps we inherit a genetic pre-disposition which is further enhaced by environment. The chemical imbalance happens ongoing from experiences we encounter. It is a familial disease. No blame intended. Louise Hay names the mental cause of INSANITY as 'fleeing the family.' We take our familial 'roles' in childhood and most times give up what we are destined for at birth…in order to 'fit in'… to live up to expectations of the family . We go on seeking such approval the rest of our lives from family and other relationships unless we DECIDE TO CHANGE. Change is a choice. Every thought is a choice. I learned to control my own THINKING. What we think, we become. Controlling the thoughts of our minds is something only we can do personally. No one can do it for us. No drug can do it. Clear positive thinking is the most vital aid toward healing. Healing of mental or physical illness. Thoughts cause the brain to release chemicals. Thus, thoughts create the chemical balance or imbalance causing wellness or disease. We can get in touch with our inner child and re-discover our purpose for being here on Earth. Every one of us is born for a definite purpose. It's never too late to begin. We are all the result of multigenerational behaviors. Parents treat us as they were treated usually not allowing freedom to be who we are intended to be by our Creator. Parents want us to be like them or like they wanted to be. I feel it is our responsibility when we become adults and are out of the family to get in touch with our 'true self' and follow our innate dream. Gibran said this dream is placed in our heart when we are born. When life gets too much for our poor souls, and we become addicted or act crazy, we are told we have a mental diagnosis and are further deprived of humanity by psychiatry's pills pushed upon us. Dr. Lars Martensson, psychiatrist, noted in his book DEPRIVED OF HUMANITY, THE CASE AGAINST NEUROLEPTICS that he treated psychosis successfully from 1971 until 1983. Dr. Martensson tells how he and his colleagues successfully ran Soteria House in San Francisco without medication for 12 years. Soteria means DELIVERANCE or SALVATION! This home successfully treated psychotic clients in a special safe environment without drugs. Dr. Martensson said they performed the Four Deadly Sins: DE-medicalized, DE-hospitalized, DE-professionalized and De-neurolepticized PSYCHOSIS*…proving it CAN BE DONE. This caused dismay in powerful quarters and thus after 12 years they lost their funding. In the U.S.A. if a treatment is not drug-based funding is not possible because of the F.D.A. Soteria facilities are replicated in Europe: Sweden and Germany today. My experience with neuroleptics has been that they are mind-numbing drugs. Neuroleptics were used in my case prophylactically. I called it a chemical lobotomy. I feel this was not necessary. Not for nearly 30 years! Neuroleptics take our WILL from us. Antipsychotics made me a walking zombie for nearly a quarter century….too long. Dr. Walther Lecher, Bad Herrenalb Germany, who wrote the Doctor's Opinion in EMOTIONS ANONYMOUS says that recovery is three part: mental, physical and emotional. He comments that drugs are useful only for a very short time while getting to the core issues. Our doctors in the West could take heed. They could mimic Dr. William Glasser, founder of Reality Therapy who discarded his prescription pad and formulated his Control Theory. He also wrote POSITIVE ADDICTION which gives alternatives to the usual addictive behaviors many of us adopt. We CAN heal without drugs. Our minds are numbed because of others' FEAR and much of our lives are taken from us. However, I do believe that what happens to us…. happens for a reason. Things happen for the growth and development of our Soul. However, it could be made an easier journey with some proper guidance, unconditional love and support rather than mere guzzling of pills. I have survived the DISCRIMINATION and STIGMA placed on me by psychiatry…and…I say… IF I CAN DO THIS…SO CAN YOU!! (C) 2002 all rights reserved Back to Painting E. Joan Rohrer Page * |