Japan: [ 002 ] Oshiokiyo! Uranai HOUSE wa Youma no Yakata (I'll Punish You! The Fortune House is a Monster's Mansion)
America: [ --- ] (Not Aired in America)

New Characters:
Motoki Furuhata (Crown Arcade employee, Usagi's crush), Kenji Tsukino (Usagi's father)
Baam
Recurring Characters:
Usagi Tsukino (Sailor Moon), Luna, Naru Osaka, Gurio Umino, Haruna Sakurada, Mysterious black-haired male
Tuxedo Mask, Queen Beryl, Jadeite

New Voice Actors:
Hiroyuki Satou, Yuji Machi, Kouhei Miyauchi
New Minor Voice Actors:
Ryoutarou Okiayu
Recurring Voice Actors:
Kotono Mitsuishi, Toru Furuya, Keiko Han, Shino Kakinuma, Chiyoko Kawashima, Keiichi Nanba, Masaya Onosaka

Basic Synopsis
Jadeite observes the popularity of an old man who runs a fortune-telling stand in an alleyway and decides he can use this to his advantage. Elsewhere, Gurio Umino is in love with Usagi and Naru suggests he should go to the new Fortune House for love advice. At the same time, Usagi meets the kindly old manwho runs the fortune-telling stand, which is surprisingly devoid of customers. He's losing to the new building over the road, Fortune House. She goes to the Crown Video Arcade to meet Motoki Furuhata, then leaves because of Luna and runs into her father. Gurio goes to the Fortune House and the next day starts acting very rudely. Usagi traces the source back to the Fortune House and confronts the fortune teller, a pretty woman who turns into a hideous green monster called Baam. Gurio and other male customers turn into scaly zombies and attack Sailor Moon, but she is saved by Tuxedo Mask. She defeats Baam with her Moon Tiara Action and everything returns to normal... for now.

Blow-by-Blow Synopsis

The very second episode of the Series was cut from the American Dub, which says something. If you're a dubbie this could be the first time you've ever heard of this one.
Episode start! On a nice shot of an old man reading the I-Ching (those fortune telling stick things) and smiling at some young girls who look like they should hang out in their own show.

Nothing I can think of can be wittier than just leaving this picture to its own means.

This one, though, I can do.
MAN HANDS
MAN HAAAANDDSS

Then cut to the rest of the line, which winds out of the alley and down the street. It's all women except for Jadeite, who's inconspicuously wearing a trench coat and fedora. Hey, here's a hint, Jadeite; if you want to blend in, maybe you should disguise yourself as something other than a six foot blond caucasian in Japan.

Here, Fang.

He thinks to himself brilliantly that humans are foolish creatures (which he is want to do) and shifts his sunglasses, walking off and back to the Dark Kingdom but not before his earring catches the light alluringly. Oh, Jadeite. Why can't I quit you?
Back at the Legion of Doom, Queen Beryl is bitching because she thought her millions of faceless minions would be able to find a mystical diamond in, like, a day, despite the fact that these people don't do anything but stand around her throne motionless all day, which she's damn aware of because all she does all day is sit in her throne trying to get closer to her orb. But I digress. However Beryl doesn't, because as soon as Jadeite voips into view she repeats herself, even though she acknowledges that he's already heard. I can understand pointedly spelling out your evil plans so the kids at home don't forget what you're killing, but repeating it twice in a row? That's brilliant planning on TOEI's behalf. Now not only have they filled in the kids who missed yesterday's episode, but they filled in the kids who missed yesterday's episode and only just walked in the room.
Jadeite tells Beryl that she doesn't need to worry because he's already taken care of the plan to steal human's energy, and then the scene ends.

Some sort of calcium deficiency?

Back at the Tsukino household, it's, like, totally past eight o'clock already and Usagi still isn't out of bed. Oh Usagi, will you never learn? Luna gets her up like the guy from One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (by jumping on her and smothering her) and tells her that she'll never protect the great justice by lying in bed all day.
On a note which is loosely related at best, there's this girl in the Guinnes Book of Records who's stayed in bed for about 15 years or more just because she didn't want to get up. Her hair's gone white and she's still only in her thirties, and people come to her bed to be healed. Which, now that I think about it, is kind of like what Usagi does in the future.
SHUT UP, ME. TO SCHOOL!
Usagi is indeed late, and Ms. Haruna's already calling the roll when she finally arrives. Gurio Umino's there, and so's Kenji Oota, Takayuki Kamikawa and Yuji Kimura. The gang's all here! Usagi sneaks into the room by crawling down one of the aisles. Everyone's fully aware of what she's doing and why, but they all decided to go with it because it's one of those things you just can't comment on. If someone has enough balls to try to sneak into class by commando-crawling right under the teacher's nose, who are you to mention it?
Apparently, you're Gurio, since he decides it's an appropriate time to stand up and say good morning to her. BRAVO, THIS MAN IS GOING TO FATHER MILLIONS

On a side note, all the boys in Usagi's homegroup are clones. Identical clones. They're like storm troopers only they don't have stun guns. But other than that, yeah, they're just like storm troopers.

AND YOU ARE OUTTA HERE

Haruna tells Usagi to go stand out in the hallway, and so she does, and so does Gurio. I don't know how he managed to get permission to do that. But Gurio's kind of like a ticking time bomb, so if I were his teacher I probably wouldn't make too many objections to anything he did. So they're standing out there, and Usagi has the idea to ask why he's there too, and he says it's hard to explain. Then Usagi says he's weird, Gurio agrees, and we cut to recess. Naru comes running out to Gurio, who's standing by a tree, and asks why he wanted to see her so urgently. He confesses that he secretly wants to go on a date with Usagi – trade secret love diaries, and talk with her parents about the future. There's a short pause before Naru tells him that's never gonna happen, then laughs in his face.

... Shiiiit. Naru's one hell of a bitch.

Then she backpedals a bit and tells him she doesn't think it's going to work if he just asks her out straight up, and so he asks if it'd be better to attack her from behind. At this point, most people would probably give up and go enjoy their snacks, but Naru's a trooper. She tells him that he should go to a fortune teller for advice, which is actually about as sensible as attacking her from behind. But Gurio suddenly has a lot more spirit – he says that if that's all he has to do, he already knows what the outcome will be.

DOOT-DOOT-DE-DOOT! SECRET COLLECT!

You see, Gurio's already made/commissioned his own little fortune-telling game, and according to the data he put into it, he and Usagi are supposed to get married. Naru is displeased with his whacky stance on life.

Still Bi-Polar. Perhaps Ikuko can hook her up with some chill pills.

Anyway, Naru calms down surprisingly quickly and tells him he should go see a real fortune teller; a new one just opened up in the Juuban shopping district that's supposed to be pretty good, so he should go see her. Gurio complies far too enthusiastically and we're treated to some delicious Gumby music.

Usagi is running off into the distance, petticoat swaying in the breeze, when she happens to go past the alleyway where the I-Ching fortune man has his stall. There's no line today, which catches Usagi's attention, and she asks what happened to all the rich dumbasses who normally flock there. He points out the amazingly gaudy building directly behind her, 'Fortune House', which has been stealing all his customers.

Fortune House looks like it could take your eye out with its HB goodness.

Apparently it does the same kind of fortune telling as the old man, and it's all new and shiny and not located in a seedy alleyway, so everyone's going there instead. His excuse is “Everyone likes new things”. All of Juuban is ADD, except for the ones who are bi-polar. Usagi takes pity on the old man and lets him read her palm, with a magnifying glass. I didn't know that being able to see the lines on people's hands more closely heightened your ability to read their future, but I'm hardly the expert.

Anyhow, Usagi's palm wrinkles told the old man that someone nearby was in love with her, someone she sees every day. I didn't know that my hands reacted when I didn't know somebody liked me, but I suppose the cosmos works in mysterious and microscopic ways. Gurio slides conveniently into view as he steps foot into Fortune House, but of course Usagi doesn't know it's Gurio who likes her since for all she's concerned Gurio could be a kin doll under all his clothes, and everyone likes to think that when someone likes them it's a gorgeous hunk-meister, not the school sandbag.
Anyway, Usagi has another theory as to who it might be, so off she skips to her next destination – the Crown Video Game Arcade. Just when she thinks her beau isn't there, up he pops from behind her, surprisingly snappily-dressed!

On weekends he does a mean Archie.

Usagi has hysterically good timing since he's just about to start his shift, and we find out the blond bombshell's name is Motoki, and that he and Usagi are somewhat close. The Sailor V Video Game has just arrived, and she hasn't played it yet, and when she does she's absolutely shit so he offers to teach her.

Holy shit, Yoshi just killed my Power Puff Girl! D:

He pays the 100 Yen for the game despite Usagi's protests and shows her how to play – get this item here, then keep shooting, apparently. Usagi goes into a dream mode because as everyone knows, girls go crazy over guys who are really good at playing video games.

Suddenly Luna appears on the video game next to her and stares at her a bit. Usagi asks her what she's doing here, and Motoki is surprised to find she has a name because it hung around so often he thought it was a stray. This is apparently a taboo in the world of speaking cats, so she latches on to Usagi's sleeve and doesn't let go until Usagi promises to go home and is at least twice the size of Motoki. Motoki's pedophile plans are ruined and he tries limply to get her to stay by pointing out they're still in the middle of a game, but Usagi says she'll come back some time. “I feel happy every time I see your face, Usagi.”

Stare at that for a good fifteen seconds and you'll realise how awkward the scene was.
As soon as they're outside Usagi starts talking to a cat, berating her for spoiling such a good atmosphere. Luna tells her she shouldn't be stopping off at places after school anyway, and that she has a duty as a soldier of justice not to do such dangerous things. Usagi's already in the distance since she wants the old man to tell her more about what her hand has to say about Motoki. However, it's already about five thirty in the afternoon so the old man's gone home to go to bed. She's a bit depressed until she realises she can just go across the street to the new Fortune House and get the same result from someone much prettier and with much funkier incense. She has some vague second thoughts, since it would probably be better for her to wait for the old man instead of going to the new Fortune House or solving her own problems. I'd be worried about cheating on my fortune teller too, since... y'know... they'd know. Then she decides she's going to “tell her own fortune” about which one she should go to; she loosens her right shoe and decides that if it lands right-way-up, she'll wait for the old man, and if it's upside-down, she'll go to the new Fortune House. She kicks the shoe up over her head and it lands right-side up. On someone's head.

Unfortunately for Usagi (but conveniently for the plotline) it's the same smug guy she hit on the head yesterday. He's easy to recognise because he's got the same face, hairstyle and outfit. Again he calls her Dumpling Head and they get into a heated argument about how she'll never get a boyfriend if she doesn't act more ladylike, where she thanks him for giving back her shoe and blows a raspberry. She's far too PO'd to worry about her fortune right now, so she snaps her shoe back on and waddles off home.

Inside the fortune house, there's a long line and a fair swack of pink smog to keep them occupied, and the great all-powerful Oz is hiding behind a mauve curtain, which is convenient since his mind-reading assistant is hiding behind a giant mauve bedsheet.

And who's that she's giving the Tarot reading to? Why, yes, it's our loveable stalkerdork Gurio Umino, who's been waiting patiently for a long time now. The woman blows on the Tarot Cards and gets them to stand erect (you can make up your own perverse jokes, I believe in you) then, right when Gurio's distracted, tells him to look directly into her eyes.

He does, and as she moves her head so does he. The centre Tarot card, which did not get flipped over by Baam's oral tittilation, starts glowing and hovers between the two of them at eye-height. She chants, “You are a wonderful servant of evil. You can act however you desire.” And Gurio rinses and repeats. The floating middle card flies over the table and slips itself into Gurio's shirt, close to his heart. We briefly see that it's card # XV (15), or 'The Devil'. It glows pink vaguely before settling in.

The woman laughs to herself, conveniently reminiscing that she'll soon be able to collect vast quantities of delicious, juicy energy.

I BREAK FOR ADS

After the ad break, we see Usagi walking down the street with Luna when she's distracted by someone calling her name. It's her father, Kenji Tsukino, out shopping. He's so sweet. He says since he leaves everything else up to her mother, going shopping is the least he can do.

Then Usagi goes into a dreamy state, mentally superimposing Motoki's head onto her father's body, thinking to herself that Motoki is probably just like her daddy. The Odipian gene is apparently passed down genetically.

Then her dad realises somebody around here has to act with discipline and tells her that she shouldn't be hanging around so long after school. After a little bit of walking, Kenji notices that there's a black cat following them. He asks Usagi what's up with it, and Usagi explains it's one of her friends. Kenji says she has some weird friends.

I tend to agree.

The next day at school Naru and Usagi are changing shoes at their shoe-lockers when Naru tells Usagi she thinks Gurio has a crush on her, but is too shy to say anything. Usagi is understandably distressed when suddenly he appears and asks her out on a date, wearing a delightful baby blue three-piece suit. This is apparently the most outrageous outfit in Gurio's wardrobe.

Both girls mutually ponder WTF is going on, and Naru tells him he's gonna be in for it if he wears something that ridiculous to school – both from the teachers, and from the other male students for being such a damn faggot. Gurio shrugs it off and repeats his request for a date.
Then all of a sudden Ms. Haruna appears and, predictably, shouts at Gurio for wearing such a damn awful suit to school. Gurio just smirks and pulls a loaf of bread out of satchel and chomps on it, while giving Ms. Haruna the eye.

Understandably, Haruna's a bit creeped out and asks Gurio what he's thinking about. Gurio doesn't say anything and arrogantly walks past her. As he draws level with her, he bursts out, “Thinkin' THIS!” and flips up her skirt.
No, really.

Yes, Haruna's underwear is sporting a giant smiley face, just like me. How about you?

Then he laughs, the card in his shirt pocket glows pink, and he walks off as Haruna's skirt stays flapping in the air for a surprisingly long time. When eventually it calms down, Haruna is in a state of shock until she bursts into adorably smoothing-over tears and complains that nobody will marry her now. Because hell, the only reason I'd marry a girl is to see her underwear. I mean, what else do you do? Right?

Usagi and Naru look on at a distance because they have absolutely no idea where the heck to go from here.

Back in home group, Haruna has composed herself and the most outrageous thing Gurio can think to do in class is to read Manga and lol. And laugh like a Down's-syndrome white tiger, but I don't think that was intentional.

NERD ALERT: The comic book reads 'Manga', which is like reading a comic book which says 'Comics', but that's beside the point. The cow on the front of the comic book is Bad Cow from the Anime 'Kingyo Chuuihou!' or 'Goldfish Warning!', a comedy that the same animators as Sailor Moon made before starting on BSSM. There are countless references to GW! in Sailor Moon, and because I can I'm going to point them out.

Eventually it becomes too much for Haruna to handle and she turns around and marches angrily up to Gurio – except she's tripped in the middle by a boy sticking out his leg. We get to see the boy briefly (remembering him vaguely from the line in the Fortune House) and his shirt glows too where we can assume there's a cursed Tarot card.

Haruna asks Yuji (that's his name, just FYI) what the heck he thinks he's doing, and Yuji replies that you're supposed to walk quietly in the classroom. Haruna is understandably pissed off, but is distracted by more gutteral guffaws from Gurio. G. Close up on Usagi as everyone watches their behaviour in surprise, since this was the early 90s and the idea of slacking off hadn't yet hit Japan.
Later, Naru and Usagi are outside talking, and Usagi's surprised to hear that Gurio went to the Fortune House Naru recommended, and that apparently so did Yuji. Their converstaion is interrupted by the noise of breaking glass, and we discover that Gurio and a whole bunch of other boys with glowing chests are throwing rocks at the teacher's lounge. They complain that the teachers aren't really that smart so they should stop acting so aloof. Then they throw more rocks, laugh in unison and glow kinda eerily. None of this stops their eyes from being as big and adorable as saucers, though.

Aww.

The fortune-telling woman is standing out the front of Juuban Municipal Junior Highschool in her tablecloth sucking all their frantic, rebellious energy into her master Tarot card (her Master Card, if you will). This is apparently just fine with the school board, especially since she's telling them all to keep making trouble.

Jadeite appears on screen for five seconds to flip us the bird, suck in a ball of energy and ponder about the “Rebellious energy of youth”. Then he's gone.
Usagi and Naru run HILARIOUSLY over to the commotion, and tell them to cut it out. Gurio once again ignores what they're actually saying and pulls Usagi closer to him, asking if she wants to kiss. He puts his hands on her shoulders and leans in, then she starts crying so horribly the boys can't put up with it and they walk away like they're the Japanese Backstreet Boys.

Girls, if you're ever in a situation in which you feel sexually or physically threatened, crying like your daddy didn't buy you that purse is almost certainly going to help.

Luna's watching this all from the bushes, but didn't feel the need to help Usagi. Come to think of it, neither did her best friend Naru, or any of the teachers in the teacher's office. Although to be fair, they were cowering in fear and coated with glass shards. But Naru's from the New York of Japan, she should at least be able to square one in suit-boy's groin.

Usagi's walking home, thinking about how stupid Gurio and the others were for just leaving like that, when Luna tells her that something sinister could be behind it, and that they're probably being controlled. Usagi says it's got to be the new Fortune House, since all the boys who have been acting recklessly went there.

It was worth a shot.

Usagi tells Luna she should get a new item as a reward for being such a good sleuth. Luna tells her like hell she's getting anything and it's time they got to work. Usagi is surprised to hear she has to fight again since it was so scary last time, then Luna smacks some sense into her and we cut to the Fortune House. Usagi and Luna are in the alleyway, confirming that Usagi will need to fight again. Then she forgets what she has to say to transform.

Luna tells her it's supposed to be “Moon Prism Power, Make-Up”, and Usagi remembers enough to launch back into her stock footage sequence.

OOOOOOOOH, SAILOR MOOOOOOOOOOON

Back inside with all the incense, the fortune-telling lady is telling all her brain-washed clients they did very well, and they've got to go wreak havoc in other parts of the town. Gurio's really too enthusiastic about agreeing to things and this time is no exception. Yuji says it sounds like fun.

“What's worse than old men who are envious of youth and popularity, are those people who don't care for the feelings of others!”

LOL HI.

The hot pink 'sandalwood' fumes must have been getting to her, because that was Sailor Moon's introduction speech. It makes about as much sence as the premise of this episode, but as fans we don't ask, we just accept.
After being mildly shocked that someone could have such a ridiculous alter ego, the fortune-telling lady shuffles her Tarot deck and tosses them at Usagi.

THEY'RE PREDICTABLY RAZOR-SHARP and sink into the wall as Sailor Moon pirhouettes out the goddamn way. She very kindly informs her that throwing those cards around is dangerous and she should really stop, and Luna tells her to quit her jibber-jabber, turkey, and that she should use her tHOLY CRAP WHAT THE HELL IS THAT AAAHHHH

The fortune-telling lady morphs into a hideous green monster with matted hair, and tells her sock puppets to attack Sailor Moon. They all turn into monsters with claws, green skin and yellow eyes like her, and advance towards Sailor Moon like someone's playing Thriller in he background. They're also all OCD because they have to stamp the ground once before they can take a step, and if they sneeze they slap themselves three times.

After running weirdly away from them, she threatens them with some lunar kung-fu skills if they get any closer with their gropey-gropey hands. Then she runs out of bravado and starts crying as they fail to halt their approach. But then, suddenly-

ROSE!

The mysterious, thorned-flower-dart smacks right into the monster's face and the hoard of creepy highschool boys are frozen in their tracks. Sailor Moon appears to be somewhat disappointed, since she was clearly in for some geeky fanboy ravaging, especially by that guy who's already got down on his knees.

Aww, beans.

The monster recovers from her allergies and, like most people, demands to know who the fruit who threw the flower at her was.

Yes, his tooth really does shine. He tells her (Sailor Moon, that is, not the monster) that she should never give up, no matter how hard it is, and then calmly walks out. Unfortunately she promptly gives up as the monster charges after her with her hair, which has turned into razor-sharp talons.

OH SH-

Sailor Moon thinks to herself that that would've hurt like a bitch, and Luna reminds her that maybe she should stop being such a tard and use her laser disk tiara thing. So after a bit more pointless dodge footage...

Moon Tiara Action!

The tiara hits her, disappears, and dust starts exploding out of the bottom of the monster's circus tent dress thing. She gets smaller and smaller, screaming in agony, until there's just a glowing pink tarot card left which falls to the floor, lands in the pile of dust which was the fortune telling lady, and disappears.

I'm no expert, but fuck me, that looks damn painful. Soldier of Love my ass.

Elsewhere the ball of energy forming in Jadeite's hand explodes about as violently as a party cracker, and Jadeite thinks tohimself that Baam (the monster) must have failed her mission, and that she's an idiot for doing so even though he's the one who thought such a ridiculous plot would ever be able to take over the world.
Back in the Fortune House, Sailor Moon snaps her fingers and the pink Tarot cards floating above the students' heads disappear in a bubble of confusion. Sailor Moon runs off to let those two guys in the background get back to their long-lost-twin reunion.

The next day, as they walk to school, Naru fills in Gurio on all the shit he pulled when he was under the evil influence – flipping Haruna's skirt, trying to kiss Usagi, and breaking the windows of the teacher's office.

Naru seems to enjoy doing this to Gurio too much. You can only push the school dweeb so far until he comes to second semester English with an uzi.

He starts walking off, saying there's nothing left for him now but misery. Out of the blue pops Usagi (hello, misery), who smiles at him and wishes him good morning. Gurio tries to apologise for what happened the other day, and Usagi tells him not to worry about it. Reassured, Gurio says he should be more like Usagi and not worry as much, who doesn't worry when she gets bad results on her tests. Usagi gets annoyed and thinks to himself that he has no idea what she has to go through. The school bell goes and Usagi rushes off, then trips to pastels. Episode end!

Crap that got Changed for the American Dub:

• Well, they didn't change anything in this episode since they didn't even bother to dub it, which is the best job they've ever done of translating anything.