Virginia (V.O): Dearest Leonard. It is with a heart as heavy as the very Earth that I write this. All the rules and grammar of the English language that have been my saving graces for so many years have left me and I ain’t got no idea what to do next. I suppose I could be happy here with you in our beautiful house, expansive gardens, servants to take care of my every whim, my never having to worry about money or other bourgeois essentials, but……no. I must be unhappy, mercurial, and miserable if only because it is more artistic. So now in my miserable happiness, I must end my life in order to truly live. Because death is life, Leonard……or something……yes, that will work.
(We cut to LEONARD opening the letter on the mantelpiece and reading a few lines. His response is that of a man who is coming close to just letting her die.)
Leonard: Oh, not again!
(Cut to VIRGINIA sticking her head in the birdbath and attempting to drown herself. After about twenty/thirty seconds she raises her head with a gasp and lets out a scream)
Virginia: Ahh! Damn! Noooo…
(VIRGINIA flails her head around and collapses in the grass. LEONARD comes after her, picks her up and takes her off saying)
Leonard: Good God, Virginia! Stop committing suicide; the neighbors will see you!
(As LEONARD leads VIRGINIA off, we dissolve to the main title of “The Hours.” There is a large space in the middle between the two words that is quickly filled in by “Never-Ending” and we see the title of “The Never-Ending Hours.” This dissolves to a shot of CLARISSA sleeping and her alarm clock going off. It is 8:00. She hits the snooze alarm and goes back to sleep. We cut to Laura in bed reading “Mrs. Dalloway.” She is wearing a nightgown of some sorts and looks frumpy. She looks at her clock. It says 8:00 and she mutters)
Laura: Oh, not another breakfast. I’ll die; I’ll just die.
(We cut to VIRGINA waking up and going over to a mirrored dresser, it looks like she’s going to get ready, but instead she looks at the objects on the table. First she puts on her nose. The next object she sees is a straight razor; she picks it up and examines it)
Virginia: No, no. Too bloody
(She sets it down and concentrates on the noose next to it. She picks it up and tries it on)
Virginia: With my luck, it just wouldn’t work. And the colour is horrible.
(We cut back to CLARISSA sleeping. The alarm goes off again. She flails to turn it off and in the process knocks it off the stand. We cut to Laura sitting in bed reading. We begin to hear screaming from outside the door; getting closer.)
Laura: Oh no. Please God, no.
(Her door bursts open and THE KID runs through screaming all around the room.)
The Kid: Mommeeee! Mommeeee! Wake up, Mommeeee!!
Laura: Honey, Mommy needs to rest right now. Can’t you see she’s already had a rough day?
The Kid: But you haven’t even gotten up yet, Mommeeee!! You don’t love me!!
Laura: Oh please calm down (near tears). Who’s my guy? Who’s my guy?!
The Kid: I’m your guy! I’m your guy! Mommeeee!!
(THE KID runs out and leaves Laura alone. She looks about to cry; dramatically puts herself back together and…reads. We cut to VIRGINIA still in front of the table. The noose is off her neck, but now she is looking at a bottle of pills. She holds them.)
Virginia: Yes. Pills. Leonard would never be able to stop me in time. If only I had some water to take them with. (frought with depression, sadness) But I can’t ring for the servants to bring me water because I’m too depressed to even ring a bell. And I can’t get some myself because I’ll just want to drown myself with it. Oh, what to do? What to do?!
(She throws the pills down and collapses into a chair. We cut to CLARISSA still sleeping. The alarm goes off; she searches for it, and falls off the bed. We cut to her getting up and going to the window greeting the new day.)
Clarissa: (giddy to the point of manic) Oh, what a beautiful day. A perfect day for a party. A perfect party. Nothing can go wrong except for….facing….the hours…. (she throws herself away from the camera with a dramatic flourish)
(We cut to Virginia sitting. She picks up a journal and a pen)
Virginia: (throwing her head around as if looking around at unseen people) Yes. Yes. That is a good first sentence. Death will just have to wait. (voiceover as she writes) ‘Mrs. Dalloway said she would ring the bell herself’
(We cut to Laura reading)
Laura: ‘Mrs Dalloway said she’d gag the child herself.’
(We cut to CLARISSA getting ready to leave her room)
Clarissa: (calling out) I think I’ll visit AIDS myself. (looks around) Who am I talking to?
(We cut to Laura going into her kitchen. She is immediately followed by THE KID)
The Kid: Entertain me, Mommeeee!
Laura: Okay, my guy. Here’s the plan. It’s your daddy’s birthday today.
The Kid: Daddeeee!
Laura: Yes. Daddy. So we need to do something special for him.
The Kid: A present!
Laura: No.
The Kid: A dinner out!
Laura: Noooo….(egging The Kid on) What’s the one thing that Mommy will always fail in doing?
The Kid: Uhhh….Baking a cake!!
Laura: Yes! I must bake a cake. But it’s just so hard…sifting that flour…cracking the eggs…greasing the pan. I always forget something (beginning to tear up) Like that time I forgot the pan and just threw the batter in the oven. (crying)
The Kid: (in full scream mode) What’s wrong, Mommeeee!!
Laura: (holds The Kid to her bosom) Nothing, guy, nothing. We’ll bake a cake and the world will magically fall into place.
(We cut to LEONARD sitting at a desk going through bills. The camera faces him head on so we can what’s going on behind him. Over his shoulder we see VIRGINIA enter. She walks towards him, drops down and comes up around his left shoulder. We don’t see her face, just the back of her head. She turns quickly in her patented “Virginia Woolf” way.)
Virginia: Leonard!
Leonard: (surprised) Gah! Virginia! I wish you wouldn’t go slinking around the place.
Virginia: (Virginia sits) My deepest apologies, Leonard. I thought you should know that my sister is coming for tea today.
Leonard: I know, Virginia. In fact, I called her out here because all you do is sit around staring off into space. (cut to shot of VIRGINIA staring into space; clearly not looking at him) Virginia! (waits a couple seconds) Virginia!
Virginia: What? Oh…I don’t know what comes over me, Leonard. Sometimes I just get the feeling that there’s a voice inside me and it says, ‘I must die.’
Leonard: That’s from ‘Vertigo’, Virginia.
Virginia: Vertigo, Leonard? I have no fear of heights. How foolish of you. Wait! (moves her head around as if listening to unseen voices) I have a second sentence. ‘She had no fear of heights.’
Leonard: Second sentence? Writing again?
Virginia: Of course, Leonard. One must always write so that one remembers that happiness is only relative to the world we live in. (pause) You can quote me on that, Leonard.
Leonard: (not paying attention) Wonderful.
Virginia: If only you’d live life, Leonard. You’d see how fleeting everything is.
Leonard: Fine, I’ll live life. You get a job.
Virginia: (after consideration) On second thought, Leonard, we’ll just continue things the way they are. (the doorbell rings) That must be my sister. (she gets up to go to the door)
Leonard: Let the servant get it, Virginia.
Virginia: (does the patented Virginia Woolf turn) Never. They scare me.
Leonard: Fine, get it. (The camera now shows us Leonard in a side shot still sitting, but with a window visible behind him. He mutters) Scared of everything. (Outside the window, Virginia stares at him through the window. It takes him a couple seconds to notice.) Gah!! (He falls out of his chair)
(We cut to a shot of a door. Someone is knocking. We hear AIDS’ voice from off camera. During the following scene, signs are attached to his head. They are as follows: ‘I‘m dying of AIDS,’ ‘All for an Academy Award,’ ‘I was good in Apollo 13,’ ‘and The Truman Show,’ ‘Remember me come voting time.’)
Aids: Come in, Mrs. Dalloway. (CLARISSA enters carrying a vase of flowers.)
Clarissa: I don’t understand why you call me that, Aids. (She searches for a vase)
Aids: Pay it no attention. I see you’ve brought me flowers again. How nice. Something to remind me that everything must die.
Clarissa: (laughing) Oh, you…
Aids: It’s not like there’s a magical cure.
Clarissa: That may be true, but don’t bring it up now. (going to him) Just remember that you have a party to go to tonight and that makes everything all right.
Aids: So the meaning of life is a party?
Clarissa: Yes. So?
Aids: (makes a whistling noise) Oo-kay. Well, it’s nice of them to finally give me the Dying Author Award. ‘Clarissa’ …
Clarissa: Yes?
Aids: No, no. I meant the book…‘Clarissa’ …not you.
Clarissa: Ohh…I see, I see. It certainly was smart of you to use my name and some of my experiences in it.
Aids: Clarissa…didn’t you get it? It was a biography (she doesn’t get it) of you.
Clarissa: Don’t be silly. In the book, Clarissa kills herself because her party doesn’t go right. I would never do that.
Aids: Well, I…
Clarissa: (becomes unhinged) No! Damn it! I forgot to buy the shrimps for the party tonight. No! Must make a mental note! (does business of “remembering”) There. Now I’ll never forget the shrimp. Because you love the shrimp. Can’t forget the shrimp. Shrimp.
Aids: (looking at her as if she were insane) No. You would never do that.
Clarissa: (she looks completely disheveled) No, I wouldn’t.
Aids: You know. When I kill myself you won’t be able to think about everyone else and the parties you plan for them, you’re going to have to analyze yourself.
Clarissa: What? Why would you kill yourself? Just because you have a debilitating disease…
Aids: (standing; violently) Don’t be stupid. (calmly now) I have to kill myself because the plot needs me to.
Clarissa: The plot?
Aids: I mean…the hours are making me lose my mind…yes…the hours…
Clarissa: (slowly) The hours?
Aids: (nodding; slowly) The hours.
Clarissa: But if you kill yourself, who will I throw my party for? Your corpse? You have to be there. It’s a party for me…er…you.
Aids: And you would be upset if I were to die right?
Clarissa: (horribly disappointed) My party….
Aids: (violently again) Your party!! (runs to the window; hurls it open; sits in it) Stop me so you can throw your party. Stop me, Mrs. Dalloway.
Clarissa: I am not Mrs. Dalloway! (she runs to the window and pushes him out. Whistling sound of something falling) Maybe he’ll hit an awning… (splat) I guess not. Oh, Aids…now you’ll never have your shrimp thing. And I’ll have to face the hours…alone…with the shrimp thing. (She walks out of frame)
(We cut to a montage sequence of Laura baking the cake with THE KID helping. She makes it perfectly and puts it into the oven. Laura then sits down with her book while THE KID screams around her. The oven timer rings)
Laura: Come on, guy, let’s see our perfect cake.
(She goes to the oven, opens it, and takes out a cake that’s already been frosted. F--- continuity. Anyway, she takes the cake out, and besides being frosted, there are objects sticking out of it: a whisk, spatula, measuring cups/spoons, bottle of vanilla, etc.)
The Kid: Mommeeee!! The cake’s messed up!
Laura: (verge of tears) I know, guy, I know. I just don’t understand. We did everything right.
The Kid: Oh well…mommeeee…play with me?
Laura: (crying) No…I can’t do it anymore. Everything should be right in my life, but it isn’t. I must read to escape. Must…read…(she goes into her bedroom with the book with THE KID following)
The Kid: Mommeeee? Play with me!!
(We cut to inside the room. LAURA is laying on the bed and reading)
Laura: Must ignore my son…must ignore him and read. (She begins to read while screaming goes on outside door)
(We cut to outside her room with THE KID pounding on the door)
The Kid: But, Mommeeee!! Can’t you see that I’m screaming for your attention because all I want is your love? If I don’t get it, I’ll just get AIDS and die young. (To the camera; whispering) Get it? I’m Aids. (He points to his head; there is a sign, like the ones on Aids, that says ‘Symbolism’s fun.’) Get it?! Mommeeee!!
(We cut to VIRGINIA and her SISTER sitting outside talking. VIRGINIA has a ceramic cat in her lap)
Sister: Well, Virginia. I must say the suburbs are much quieter than London.
Virginia: I feel the suburbs closing in on me; inexorably. Soon they will suffocate and kill me.
Sister: (pause) That’s the same thing you said about London when you lived there.
Virginia: Oh, I know. Happiness just eludes me. Tell me…why didn’t you bring the children. They’d love it up here in the garden.
Sister: I didn’t want to tell you, but they’re frightened of you.
Virginia: (her putty nose has just turned in an odd direction) But why should they be frightened of their Auntie Virginia?
Sister: Well, your Cyrano-like nose, for one. (Virginia rearranges her nose) And…well…
Virginia: Well, what?
Sister: You’re holding a ceramic cat in your lap!
Virginia: (she looks at the cat) Oh, my. How did you get here? No, response, hmm? Well…you must not be of the living world anymore. How extraordinary. You have passed onto the other world and your mortal body is left here to contemplate everyone else…
Sister: (muttering) And now you’re talking to the ceramic cat…
Virginia: …you think about death before you died? Now cat…we must bury your mortal body even though your soul remains. (she gets up and walks to a different part of the garden. SISTER gets up and follows her)
Sister: Virginia? Virginia?! (VIRGINIA falls to her knees and begins digging) Virginia; it’s not just the nose and the talking to dead…inantimate objects and the weird glances you give them, but just you. You scare people.
Virginia: Oh, do I? (VIRGINIA stands up) How about this? (she kisses her sister)
Sister: What on earth was that, Virginia?
Virginia: ‘The older one grows; the more one likes indecency.’ (she looks at the camera) -Virginia Woolf-
Sister: Oh, dear lord…You’re quoting yourself!! Leonard warned me, but I had hoped he was exaggerating.
Virginia: It is fatal to be a man or woman pure and simple; one must be woman-manly or man-womanly. (she looks at the camera) -Virginia Woolf-
Sister: No, no! (She runs off leaving Virginia alone.)
Virginia: Oh no, I scared another relative! I must get back to London. (picks up cat) Would you like to go, kitty? (waits for response) Of course you would…we’ll find miserable happiness there, won’t we? (They go off together)
(We open on CLARISSA coming into her house in extreme grief. As she exits the frame, GAY shows up at the door)
Gay: (entering) Knock, kno-ock. Anybody home?
Clarissa: (trying to keep it together) Oh. Hello Gay.
Gay: Guy…it’s pronounced Guy.
Clarissa: (pause) Oh. Yes. Guy. I didn’t know you were coming this soon.
Gay: Well, I wasn’t, but when I got to the airport, my flight from San Francisco to New York was delayed so I figured why not just take one that leaves an hour before that one. I was early anyway. So I got on the airplane and wouldn’t you know it, one of the attendant’s name was Guy, too. Isn’t it a small world. So I got into LaGuardia and took a taxi up here. Lovely day, isn’t it? I love weather.
Clarissa: (after substantial pause) Yes. I like weather, too. (Goes to refrigerator, opens it, slams it) Damn it! I forgot the shrimp!
Gay: Shrimp? Clarissa, are you okay?
Clarissa: I’m fine! It’s just…(begins the breakdown) Do you ever get that feeling that you have to give a party; a perfect party, or you’ll just die?
Gay: Not often. But I’ve never given a party for Aids before.
Clarissa: It’s been so hard, Gay. (camera cuts to Gay’s face; he’s about to speak, but decides against it) I mean. This morning I woke up and it was beautiful, but then everything began to suffocate me. (SISTER comes bounding in; gives a lovely little kiss to CLARISSA and bounds back out; people carry on as if nothing happened) The flowers, the hors d'oeuvres, the guests, the decorations, the balloons, the noisemakers, the party hats…
Gay: Party hats for Aids? Isn’t that a little bit…macabre.
Clarissa: (melodramatic) Oh, God. You’re right. How could I be so foolish? I’m so stupid, so simple, so silly.
Gay: I never said that.
Clarissa: You didn’t have to. (Goes to a vase of azaleas) What do you think of the flowers? (pleading) Do you like the flowers?
Gay: I’m sure Aids will love them.
Clarissa: But you don’t. That’s what you’re saying, isn’t it? (She sinks into a corner of the kitchen) I guess Aids wins; the party doesn’t matter. All the things I do are meaningless and vulgar.
Gay: (going to her) Now, now…
Clarissa: Don’t touch me!! All this work…and no one will like my party. And the guest of honor won’t even be here.
Gay: Hmm?
Clarissa: (beginning to cry) He’s dead, Gay. He’s dead and now I have to throw a party for him.
Gay: Oh my God. I can’t believe Aids died.
Clarissa: I know… (her oven timer rings) Oh…that would be the shrimp thing. (she goes to the oven and takes them out, puts them down, and tastes one) They’re wonderful. Just wonderful. Try one, Gay. (she holds the tray to him beaming with happiness)
Gay: Clarissa. Your best friend, your former lover just died and you want me to try the shrimp thing?! (She shoves one in his mouth) This is good…wait, wait, wait. You can’t hide behind your canapes, Clarissa.
Clarissa: (breaking down again) Oh, God…you’re right. It’s all over. And now there’s nothing to do but face the hours.
Gay: The hours?
Clarissa: The hours.
Gay: Let me tell you a story, Clarissa. (music begins to swell) When I left my Aids in San Francisco, I fell into the arms of a young farmboy while driving across Nebraska. His name was Henry and we loved each other very much. Finally after two months of bliss, I left because I knew that I would never be able to further my own life if I stunted his in Nebraska. So I went back and became a teacher.
Clarissa: What does that have to do with anything?
Gay: I’m not sure…(looks at the camera) but that was wonderful character development, wasn’t it? (camera pans to the top of his head; attached is a sign that reads, “For your consideration”)
Clarissa: (seeing this) Get out! Get out! (she rushes him out). And now to face…the hours.
(She dramatically exits the frame and the camera pans to the musicians; Philip Glass and a violinist. They approach the camera menacingly as we cut to LAURA, THE KID, and DAN sitting down to dinner. LAURA is reading Mrs. Dalloway and THE KID is sculpting something with potatoes)
Dan: Well, this all looks wonderful. Simply wonderful.
Laura: (without emotion) I’m thrilled, Dan. I’m so happy you like it.
Dan: What do you think, Richie? All this for your old man? (no response) Come on…say…what are you making?
The Kid: (solemnly) It’s an original work entitled, “Memoir of Bad Childhood”
Dan: That’s wonderful! (double take) What did you say?
The Kid: (with his old enthusiasm) It’s a mountain!!
Dan: Good for you, Richie. You know, your enthusiasm reminds me of a story about how I met your mother.
Laura: (mockingly) Oh, Dan. Don’t tell that story again.
Dan: I like telling it. So I met…(LAURA reaches across the table and clutches DAN’S hand hard.)
Laura: (serious, verging on psychotic) Don’t tell it, Dan.
Dan: All right…so I first met your mother in high school. (The story should be told by a constantly smiling DAN with no irony whatsoever) I saw her sitting at a table with a bunch of other girls who had organized a Womens’ Rights Club. She looked so frumpy and bland that I knew that if she would just wear some makeup and do her hair, she’d be the perfect image of a housewife. That image of what I could turn her into kept me going through the war and when I got home, I found her. She’d gone to college and gotten herself a job with the ACLU, but I knew that she’d be happier baking cakes and getting my shoes. Aren’t you happier now, honey?
Laura: (looks up from reading with a murderous glint in her eyes) Yes, Dan. So very happy. (goes back to reading)
Dan: It’s as simple as that, Richie. All you need to do to find a woman is mold someone into your image of what you want. And then you’ll both be happy.
(SISTER comes into the shot, kisses LAURA passionately, and leaves the shot)
Dan: Oh my goodness…a lesbian…I didn’t know they were in season.
(PHILIP GLASS enters shot with electronic keyboard and kisses LAURA passionately)
Philip: Come on…I’ll play you some arpeggios.
Laura: That’s it. I’m getting the hell out of here. It’s time for the pursuit of my happiness. (Does black snapping finger thing) Um-hmm! (and they’re gone)
Dan: Oh dear. Your mother’s gone. I guess it’s just you and me now, Richie. (no response) Richie? (THE KID is entranced with two Ken dolls)
(We cut to VIRGINIA sitting at the train station. LEONARD runs to her)
Leonard: Virginia! Virginia!
Virginia: Oh, bloody hell…
Leonard: Explain this note, Virginia.
Virginia: Note? What note?
Leonard: ‘Dearest Leonard. Gone to throw myself under a train. Be dead in five minutes, twenty-five minutes, or forty-five minutes depending on which one I throw myself under. Virginia.’
Virginia: I did not leave that note for you today.
Leonard: I found it on my desk…
Virginia: That’s my note from yesterday. A lot of good it will do you now. The note I left today merely said that I was going into London.
Leonard: Oh, well then…I’ll just go (LEONARD begins to walk away, but then stops and turns) Wait a minute…that won’t work again.
Virginia: Leonard, why can’t you understand that this suburb is killing me.
Leonard: But we moved here because you said London was killing you.
Virginia: Well, yes, but death from boredom isn’t as much fun as it used to be.
Leonard: Virginia, we moved you here because the doctors said it would relax you. Don’t you want to live a nice quiet suburban life? We can have children and you can bake cakes on my birthday.
Virginia: (getting up and yelling) You’re in the wrong subplot! I don’t want a quiet life in the suburbs. I want to enjoy the grime of the city. I want to rub myself in the stench of the sewers. I want the freedom to bathe in waste. I want those things to kill me, Leonard, not boredom.
Leonard: All right, all right. We’ll go back to London. You’ll live happily there.
Virginia: Die.
Leonard: Live.
Virginia: Die!
Leonard: Live, you crazy bitch! Now you’re going to (he can’t take the music anymore) Will you shut the hell up?! (We cut to PHILIP GLASS and his electronic keyboard playing. He shrugs and continues to play) I can’t take this anymore. (LEONARD stomps off leaving the music going)
Virginia: Oh my. Now I’m alone. (PHILIP comes into frame) Except for you. Play me a D minor scale, will you? (He plays) Oh yes. That’s the stuff. I can feel the sadness enveloping me. (She lies down and begins to writhe) Oh. Yes! Oh, feel the bad vibrations. You dirty note, you.
(We cut to CLARISSA alone in her apartment talking to herself; eventually the camera widens out to include the hors d'oeuvres)
Clarissa: I’d like to thank you for staying with me. I don’t know what I would have done without you. So warm…so caring…you know just how I feel. (She takes one and eats it) Oh God, that’s good! (the doorbell rings. She gets up and answers it. At the door is VIRGINIA and LAURA) Virginia Woolf? Woman from the 50s?
Virginia: Yes, it is I…or me…or I…I don’t know. I hate grammar.
Laura: My name is Laura Brown. I know you don’t know me but I know you.
Clarissa: I’m so confused. You (pointing to Virginia) should be dead and you (pointing to Laura) I can’t tell you how stupid this is that we’re meeting.
Laura: Well, we both tried killing ourselves, but that just didn’t work. So, Virginia made a time-travel machine using Philip Glass’ keyboard and it got us here.
Clarissa: That’s one of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard.
Virginia: Oh, that’s all right. It’s a parody (points to the camera) See?
Clarissa: (sees the camera) Ohh….tell me. Are you still depressed?
Virginia: Of course. Quite suicidal. We came to use your oven.
Laura: Are we baking?
Virginia: Bloody hell…what a git…
Clarissa: I have a better idea. They’ve invented something to kill that nagging feeling that you’re worthless and pointless. They call it prozac.
Virginia: Prozac?
Clarissa: Yes. Prozac. I have a wonderful idea. Let’s a have a party. A Prozac party. We’ll sit around, take Prozac, and bitch about men.
Laura: You hate men, too.
Virginia: Everybody hates men. They’re evil.
Laura: Agreed.
Clarissa: I’ll third that. See that’s the one lesson to be learned from all this depression. Men are evil. Who needs the hours when we all have each other.
(They stare at each other in awkward sexual tension. Then they break down and laugh. The credits begin as they mix Prozac cocktails and have a general slumber party atmosphere.)
Original Dream Cast:
Virginia: Liisa Ahlman
Laura: Kirsten Malley
Clarissa: Carey Maher
Leonard: Fred Uebele
Aids: Mike Piazza
Dan: Jon Barnett
The Kid: Rachel Rizzuto
Gay: Greg Gelder
Sister: Heather Canaperry
Philip Glass: Derek Sturn
