APRIL WEEKEND All the things I know are here laid out before me like a little army but what it was like for you no,not that. And in that silence I'm an oaf drunk at a party,uninvited, trying to make amends thru the numb haze unfeeling failing,and trying,nothing left to do but go but how can I leave? What can I tell you? Taking apart the mystery til there's only pieces things everyone already sees clearly enough and none of it helps. This ache has been with me for years now trivial in the face of things, how it feels when something that might have been is gone. The gift you had,your freedom,your love, to bestow,to grant,to give when it was yours to give it still is but you can't hold it now I think. That's what I mean. That ache. There is no redeeming, no undoing,it's just gone. I keep seeing the beach at twilight like a book about the end of the world still air,even the waves are silent. Raging intense at first but then revenge was just another poison in the blood. You needed more than that one man. Not even his life would be enough. You want to destroy the thing that put him there. What is that,where is it now? Is there a choice? Always. You can rebuild something,yes but that innocence is gone. So close to the pleasure and the dark truth, lots of women like their men fierce and uncompromising demanding insistent forceful potent. It's so close. The male cops are more inclined to blame the victim if she's drunk,more inclined than the female cops. And if she had a sexy dress on,tight pants, asking for it. So close. And really it's not my place to say,to speak,to deny,defend,or make this more than it is. I know how it felt for me. I can give you that. I know how it feels now,something is gone and it will never be here again, I can give you that. The rest is the comfort of religion and routine friends and the blind spots at the edge of what you know. None of my business really but I wanted to say something. |
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