Reminiscing:..27th July 2004

Wow, I was just reading through this entry and I was completely amazed at how old it is. I'm so glad that I kept this record. It helps me believe that I used to really be myself.
Let me fill you in on what has happened since.
I've made a New Harry Potter Webpage, and a new personal/webhelp website. I'm still going on with my livejournal, too and I've got several accounts on neopets that I am currently obsessed with.
I no longer want to be in Kaite's group. No longer is it an option anyway, but I'll get back to that later. I don't talk to Kaite anymore. I don't think it's worth having a friend who's afraid to talk to you during school time because of the stigma. She's a bitch, I've concluded. If not a bitch, a weird girl with confused morals. She's also bi. But that's not a bad thing - I just thought that whilst I'm talking about her here, I may as well write what's new with her.
I don't go to youth grop anymore. Matt talks to me now. I don't know why. Once, me, Matt, Louisa and Amber met up at the park and he suddenly warmed to me. Just like that *clicks her fingers*. I was amazed. I later saw him at Louisa's Dad's funeral (her father died, it was terrible. Heart attack), and that's when one of my friends got his email. I got the email off them, and since I've been talking to him online.
But that's further on in the plotline. Let me tell you about my situation.
After leaving my school due to financial difficulties (my asshole, fuckass, shitfaced bastard of a father decided to go to Africa instead of have me go on with my education, and used my indecision with where I wanted to be - at a place where I'd get a better education or with my friends where I'd get an average education) I went to another high school on another side of Brisbane. There I stayed for about a year, developed a stutter (which has finally started to go away), and who knows what else. I ended up getting very sick there, and now I am home. I'm going to do home schooling, but they haven't put my enrollment through yet because the idiot lady who's supposed to handle enrollments figures that it doesn't matter because I'm sixteen, and it's not compulsory that I am put through right away since I don't have to be in school. So, basically, it's fine that I'm falling behind in my education and now have to only do two subjects! Ohhh, dandy!
The entries that I have written in this journal, I think, are just at the start of my depression or a little while before. They were written before I went completely numb and still had passion left in me. After that I felt like an empty shell, and I'm still suffering the after effects. I'm nowhere near as happy as I used to be. I haven't been around my friends for a long time, and it's starting to show. I don't get some of their in-jokes and I feel like I'm not part of the group anymore, so I appear extroverted and uncertain. Jenni got those vibes. Like I'm... lost.
I went from feeling down, to feeling depressed, to suicidal, to wanting to self harm. After that I went on anti-depressants for about two weeks. Because the side-effects of the anti-depressants were so extreme (I was hyperactive, and anyone who saw me would have wondered if I was on speed) I refused to take them anymore, against the wishes of my psychiatrist and my mother. They did help. But I still had a lot of healing ahead of me.
Once, after talking to Clairey on the phone the night before and crying a little because of it - a good cry though - I woke up to feel all healed up.
This was soon lost, however. Because being all healed up means that I can love again.
I perhaps loved - or had extreme feelings for - the school vice captain. After weeks of liking him, and getting nothing in return, I gave up. This giving up triggered another bout of depression, which made me feel so infuriated. How could I let some asshole fuck up my entire mental makeup?
Anyway, now I'm near feeling better again. I reckon being more social will fix me right up, coz I'm damned cheerful after seeing my friends regularly. I loose the feeling of being lost.
I should be better any time soon.
Do check my livejournal and my personal website. It should give you more insight on what's been happening in my life for the past two years. HAHHAHHAA... for some reason that amuses me.
It's funny how entire situations can turn on you.
Other things that may help you know what is going on - well, things you can do - is to go to my room and steal my personal journal. Not recommended. I shall behead every person that reads it without my permission.
Or, well, go completely off at them, and hit them with the journal until they get out of my room and perhaps be angry at the for a very very very long time.
So long, farewell. This is the end of the - perhaps last - entry here. (Damnit, I love the name of this journal. I might put it on my LJ!)

Love,
The lovely princess Fiona (SHREK! WEEEE!)

Deathstare:..21st October 2002

Everyone seems to be so judgemental... Like, youth group, for example;
Guy: *whispers to other person* she's crazy! *makes finger motions about ear*
Me: *lecture* you know, you're awfully judgemental. Do you know, people aren't what they act. Have you ever heard the word FACADE? Do you know, that saying things like that, can make negative impressions on people? Do you know what kind of screwed up stuff you could do to a person's mind by just saying 'they're crazy and a ditz!'? Shame on you! *I give him a death stare, and his stupid cap sets fire*

What -really- happened...

Guy: *whispers to other person* she's crazy! *makes finger motions about ear*
Me: I'm not crazy - I'm insane. GET IT RIGHT!

Pathetic. Absolutely, freakin' pathetic.
Matt, this guy who I thought was my friend, went along with this whole thing. In fact, I think he's the one that had his ear whispered into, and he agreed with the finger around ear motioning. I can't believe he can be so horrible. He was only talking to me because he likes Louisa, and I was friends with Louisa, and I came with the Louisa package. Anyway, he used to like me, like, talk to me, then he's not talking to me at all. Like he doesn't know me. Well, that's the way he acts.
Maybe he heard about how I snubbed her for a while. Has he even spent more than 5 hours with her? Probably not. I'm talking to her again, anyway. I don't know what's possessed me. I'm confused.
I want to 'join' Kaite's group, I'm just too freaked out. I don't usually ask questions of people in maths class, and that is what I have to do to socialise with the people in her 'group' to 'join' her 'group'. The people in her group generally like the same stuff as me. It's not fair. Amber thinks she's a vampire and she knows lestat. Emma constantly bitches about Louisa, and talks about the latest weird thing her sister does, which is rather boring. I have nothing in common with Emma, and I have a few things in common with Amber, but she's generally weird. Once she got this lid from her spagetti, and she smeared it all over my head, then a few seconds later she acted as if it didn't happen. I was silently fuming. The others were puzzled. I should have gone there and then, ditched the lot of them. I wish I had, that way I wouldn't be worrying about what I'm worrying about now. Nothing makes sense anymore.
I'm closer to Amber, now, too. She talks to me and she thinks we're twins. We both have pale skin and like the web and Sailor Moon, books, etcetera.
I have a maths assignment due tomorrow, and right now I'm procrastinating. I was supposed to be talking to Kaite, but she went online and I have no idea where she went. She needs to come back online, otherwise I have no excuse to be on the internet. I have an english assignment due on Friday. I have geography field trip on Friday. That's probably one of the only good things that are going to happen, you know... the field trip. We're going to the big pineapple, and we're seeing the glasshouse mountains. (We're learning about volcanoes).
I am going to stop writing now, since I have written enough already.

Feeling: misunderstood

Dread Test:..10th October 2002

I have a music test next and I'm freaking out. All lunch time and my last spare I have been walking around reciting the circle of fifths. Like this;
d flat major; b d e a d. a flat major; b e a d. f major; b flat. sharp order; g d a e b f sharp...
People have, as a result, been looking at me strangely for the last two hours or so... I gotta go now... I have music next.
News: Amber's not leaving 'til next year, woohoo!
leave a sticky note::stuck

I'm Back:..4th October 2002

Mum just told me I have three days until I have to be back at school. I don't want to go back. I want to go somewhere nicer... I want the holidays to keep on going... it's not fair. Why can't I just have a nice, normal, perfected life, instead of having to put up with a posh school and too much homework? For goodness sake, we get even more work than the state schools. I don't care wether it's a prestigious (sp?) school or not, it doesn't mean that they have to pile on the homework.
The other problem about school is that most of the girls I have sat with in the last two years have turned tail. Amber and Robin switched last term, and last year Mac went off and started at forest lake college. Sure, she was a bitch and all (same with robin) but it doesn't mean that Amber has to go to. She was okay enough, even though I don't trust her much and she's a bit odd with too many boyfriends.
The only ones left now are Me and Emma. The numbers are down to two. Maybe Tiana will sit with us, but she's a year ten still and stuff like that. She may not want to sit with Me and Emma. I don't know what I'm going to do - I'll be dangerously close to being bullied again, and I'm already excluded from everything all the other girls like to do...
Anyhow, I'm thinking about not going on the internet so much. Well, not more like thinking about it, more like going to do it. In the meantime, I'm going to have lunch and that sort of stuff. Check out the quiz I took;

Rather accurate, don't you think?
have to hop. Later.
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Holidays:..30th September 2002

I'm on holidays and have access to a computer! The computer I'm looking at has a really large screen and my layout looks positively TINY... I might look into some background to make it look better and well - much more filled 0_o
I'm in Canberra now - It's really cold - my fingers are pracitcally numb. Today we saw parliament house, and yesterday we went to Mt Stromlo's Observatory. The day before that we did the long drive to canberra - four hours from sydney - and then kinda flopped...
aww, cute!
the lady that owns the computer just told me not to do'áctive stuff'like editing, so I'm going to have to hop off my blog now... *sigh* Later...
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The Start of Weeping Soul:..25th September 2002

Welcome to Weeping Soul.... my new blog. Maybe I'll change the name, but I honestly couldn't be botered. I just made the graphic on th' side (which looks slightly foggy, for some unknown irritating reason... it looked better in paint... find out a way to fix it later) and I like the name already... so tough luck if you want me to change it, which I don't think you do. I might post tomorrow, because I can't be bothered to post now and I have to eat to live, since it is lunchtime and all. Later.
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