...and I'm a little thorny." -- unknown
"I'm Nobody! Who are you?
Are you - Nobody - Too?
Then there's a pair of us?
Don't tell! they'd advertise - you know!
How dreary - to be - Somebody!
How public - like a frog -
To tell one's name - the livelong June -
To an admiring Bog!" -- Emily Dickinson
"I shall be employed about things, not words!" -- Mary Wollstonecraft
"The mind will ever be unstable that has only prejudices to rest on..." -- Mary Wollstonecraft
"...if woman had no existence save in the fiction written by men, one would imagine her a person of the utmost importance; very various; heroic and mean; splendid and sordid; infinitely beautiful and hideous in the extreme; as great as a man, some think even greater. But this is woman in fiction. In fact...she was locked up, beaten, and flung about the room." -- Virginia Woolf
"...in these days men have learned the art of sinning expertly and genteelly, so as not to shock the eyes and senses of respectable society." -- Harriet Beecher Stowe
"Non-violence leads to the highest ethics, which is the goal of all evolution. Unitl we stop harming all other living beings, we are still savages." -- Thomas Edison
"Can one regard a fellow creature as a property item, an investment, a piece of meat, an "it", without degenerating into cruelty towards that creature?" -- Karen Davis
"Whenever people say 'We mustn't be sentimental,' you can take it they are about to do something cruel. And if they add 'We must be realistic,' they mean they are going to make money out of it." -- Brigid Brophy
"The animals of the world exist for their own reasons. They were not made for humans any more than black people were made for white, or women created for men." -- Alice Walker
"Each time someone stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, they send forth a ripple of hope." -- Robert F. Kennedy
Kurt: "You're like Kate the pepetual motion machine!"
Danielle: "Like that toilet, that was perpetually flushing."
Kurt: "It's like Winken, Blinken, and Nod."
Kate: "Or Tweedle-Dum and Tweede-Dee."
Danielle: "That's only 2."
Kate: "Tweedle-Dum, Tweedle-Dee, and...Tweedle-Dorf."
Kurt: "He's the Klingon character that mysteriously got eliminated from the story."
Eunice: "After all, you are a man, Howard."
Howard: "I know that, Eunice."
E: "And she is a woman, Howard."
H: "I know that, too, Eunice."
E: "In the same way that I am a woman."
H: "Well, I don't really think of you as a woman, Eunice. I think of you as...Eunice."
E: "Oh, but I am a woman, Howard."
H: "Oh I know that, Eunice. I know I'm not the most romantic man..."
E: "But I'm not looking for romance, Howard. After a while, romance fades, and something much more lasting takes its place. Do you know what that is?"
H: "Senility."
E: "TRUST."
H: "That's what I meant." -- What's Up, Doc?
"If you don't love geology, UPPER JURASSIC!!" -- a bumper sticker
"For every voice you've ever heard,
There's a thousand without a word..." -- Fleetwood Mac
Lily: "Watch your caboose, Dix."
Picard: "I intend to." --Star Trek: First Contact
Kate: "Hahaha I just have this image of Patrick Stewart standing and staring at his ass in the mirror."
Danielle: "I would, if I were Patrick Stewart!"
"I don't know, but I've been told
If you keep on dancin' you'll never grow old..." -- Steve Miller Band
"Now with the wisdom of years
I try to reason things out
And the only people I fear
Are those who never have doubts
Save us all from arrogant men
And all the causes they're for
I won't be righteous again
I'm not that sure anymore..." -- Billy Joel
"A man, he hears what he wants to hear,
And disregards the rest..." -- Simon & Garfunkel
"There's no such thing as a failure who never stops trying." -- Blues Traveler
"You have to beat your ball into submission!" -- soccer tips from Mike B.
"Anti-wrinkle cream there may be, but anti-fat bastard cream there is none!" -- The Full Monty
"I miss Piglet. I know! Let's have a Welcome Home Piglet party! Then he'll have to be home!" -- The New Adventures of Winnie the Pooh
Christopher Robin: "Pooh? Piglet? What are you doing up?"
Pooh: "Well, my tummy was rumbly, so it came down to look for something sweet. I'm just keeping it company." -- TNAOWTP
Piglet: "But I don't want to watch the slusher film! Look! He's got a knife!" *cowering under the couch*
Pooh: "Don't be silly, Piglet! Look, it's only a butter knife."
Piglet: "A butter knife?!?! Ooohhh, the poor butter!!!" -- TNAOWTP
"I'm not lost, I'm right where I'm standing!...Unfortunately, where I'm standing might be...lost." -- TNAOWTP
"Remember: even God has a sense of humor. Just look at the platypus." -- Dogma
Trent: "You like Thai?"
Homer: "I like Thai. You like shirt?" -- the Simpsons
"So if you want to impress your friends, just tell them, 'Sure, I know the definition of temperature: it's the partial derivative of energy with respect to entropy, at constant volume; or it's the partial derivative of enthalpy with respect to entropy, at constant pressure.' And if that doesn't impress them, then you can tell them that the definition of volume is the partial derivative of enthalpy with respect to pressure, at constant entropy." -- my chemistry professor
"TUFF SCHIST" -- another bumper sticker
Howard: "If you do not leave right now, I am going to call the police!"
Judy: "Who do you think they'll arrest, the girl in the tub or the guy with his pants down?" -- WU,D?
Daniel: "It was the drink that killed him."
Miranda: "Oh, he was an alcoholic."
Daniel: "No, he was hit by a Guinness truck." -- Mrs. Doubtfire
"Coprolites Happened" -- yet another bumper sticker
"I vant to suck your...um, nevermind." -- Kim
"I've been reprimanded, nearly branded
A communist, 'cause I'm left-handed!
(That's the hand you use...well, nevermind.)" -- Paul Simon
Mr. Wick: "That's it! I'll marry a man, and then I can stay in the country!"
Drew: "You can't marry a man!"
Mr. W: "Yes, there's a state where it's legal now!" *kneeling* "Marry me in Vermont, the state that makes New Hampshire nervous!" -- The Drew Carey Show
How to ski down a mountain:
"Ski that way. Really fast. If anything gets in your way, turn!" -- Better Off Dead
Monique: "I thought, if I didn't say anything to him, he would go away. But instead, he uses it as an excuse to put his testicles all over me!"
Lane: "Um, his -- his what?!"
M: "How do you say - an octopus..."
L: "Oh, tentacles. E-N. There's - there's a big difference." -- BOD
"Life is short...Eat dessert first." -- Purity Ice Cream slogan
"I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want -- an adorable pancreas?" -- Jean Kerr
"Nothing is illegal if one hundred well-placed businessmen decide to do it." -- Andrew Young
"Never forget that only dead fish swim with the stream." -- Malcolm Muggeridge
Erin: "Yeah, we got goldfish. We named them Gonzo and Camilla."
Kate: "Although we don't actually know if they're male or female."
Mary Ellen: "Well I guess you'll find out if you wake up one day with a whole bunch of baby goldfish."
E: "I don't think it works that way. I think they need, like, special conditions or whatever."
ME: "What, you mean like mood lighting?"
"Although your mind's okay
Try thinking more -- if just for your own sake." -- The Beatles
One of my all-time favorite science jokes (yes, there is such a thing):
A biologist, a statistician, and a mathematician are sitting at lunch one day outside a diner. They are facing a house across the road. Two people walk into the house; a few minutes later, three people come out of the house.
The biologist says, "They must have multiplied."
The statistician says, "The initial measurement must have been inaccurate."
The mathematician says, "If exactly one more person enters the house, it will be empty."
How to know that you are a little too into your work!
An Irishman was talking to a young boy about the ways of the world. "I'll tell ya, lad, there's no justice in the world. See that pub over yonder? I made the bar in that pub from scratch. Planed the wood until it's as smooth as a baby's arse. But do they call me MacGregor the bar-maker? No. Ye see that pier? I built that pier with me own two hands, far out into the bay. But do they call me MacGregor the pier-builder? Nope. D'you know that great stone wall comin' into town? I carried every one of those stones to make that wall. But do they call me MacGregor the wall-builder? Certainly not. But I tell ya, boyo, you fuck one goat..."
Another "nerd" joke from Chris:
So Noah lands his ark after the flood. Opens the doors and tells all the animals, "Go forth, be fruitful, and multiply!" They all run out. Noah cleans out the ark, then starts making his rounds to see how the animals are doing. After a few weeks (there are a lot of animals!) Noah comes upon a pair of adders slithering around. Now all of the other animals have been *ahem* multiplying like crazy, but there's still just these two adders. So Noah says to them, "Why haven't you been fruitful? What's going on?" They replied, "Well, Noah, we're ADDERS." Noah thinks about this. "Good point. That would make things difficult. I tell you what, though. See that tree over there? Go over to that tree and get some of those branches that have fallen off of it. That'll help you out -- because even adders can multiply with logs!"
"Somewhere around 3 AM
My telephone rings. I pick it up...it's you...
You say you're having trouble sleeping
Thoughts of me are keeping you up. Well,
Lately I've had trouble sleeping too...
I am just as wide awake as you are
Let's talk until the sun touches the sky...
I am not what you expected
You are not what I expected
But who expected bumble bees could fly?" -- Christine Lavin
"Physics is nothing but math in a sport coat." -- Richie
"Everybody seems to think I'm lazy
I don't mind
I think they're crazy!
Running everywhere at such a speed
Until they find
There's no need..." -- the Beatles
"You don't have to close your eyes
You don't have to turn away
You can't expect to take the right road every morning
When you start to feel the words get in the way,
Listen to your heart and what it has to say." -- Little Feat
"If this sticker is blue, you're driving too fast." -- a red bumper sticker
"Though you are surrounded and feeling quite alone,
There's a light to guide you home.
If you stand with your face to the wind off the water
At the point of land's end, where the ocean begins
And look to the memory of the ones gone before
You can still hear the meaning of the voices on the wind..." -- Little Feat
"Our job as researchers is to rewrite textbooks." -- Paul Hoffman
Lewis: "You're born naked, and you die naked. Deal with it!"
Councilman: "You don't die naked!"
Lewis: "If you plan it right, you do." -- The Drew Carey Show
"You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake." -- a bumper sticker
"Dude, check it out! This book rocks! There's this talking snake, and this naked chick, and then this dude puts a leaf on his schlong!" -- Butt-Head, to Beavis, about the Bible (Beavis and Butt-Head Do America)