BELLEROSE, NY - The stakes were as high as the tensions. The battle lines were drawn and the rules were clear: Win, at all costs. Key members of WANG engaged in a series of contests this weekend, and the competition was as fierce as the blizzard that brewed outside the facilities. Salt Lake City can keep the Olympics; these sporting events were second to none.

First up was a round robin tournament of Foosball between Michelle, Big John, and Mike V. The three players sized each other up and then got on with their match. The crowd of onlookers could barely contain their enthusiasm. In what could only be seen as a reaction to the tenacious battle of tiny plastic soccer players, an impromptu wrestling match broke out between Super Dave and Talkta Christine. Many witnesses found it hard to divide their attention between the two bouts.

"Let me ask ya something, " inquired Cousin Provolone, "I know it's always fun to watch Michelle play Foosball and everything, but how can you keep focused when you see Talkta bodyslam Dave outside the ring?"

While Dave attempted the legendary figure-four leg-lock on his laryngitis-stricken opponent, Michelle narrowly defeated Big John in round one of the foosball tournament. Poop Scoop attempted to reach Big John for comment, but he was too busy activating his clever "fart detector" to answer questions. Many critics wondered aloud why John failed so miserably in this match, and even his wife begged, "Someone please tell me why I married this man." Michelle had only enough time to celebrate her victory before the world renowned Foosball player Mike V stepped up to the table.

"Is he gay?" asked Andrea. "I only ask because I'm looking for someone to take John off my hands."

Mike V may not be gay, but he sure plays Foosball like a homo. He was handily defeated in the Foosball match, and Michelle was declared champion. She immediately decided to donate her winnings to buy maps for everyone so they won't have to ask her where Utah is located anymore. Utah is located in the Western part of the United States, between Arizona and Colorado. Thanks for the map, Michelle.

The Foosball tournament concluded, and the wrestling match continued, with Superdave leaping off the top rope to deliver an elbow smash to Talkta. The crowd grew restless though, until Tubby announced the start of the next bout. "Where the hell is Plia?" asked the lanky drunk, "Where the hell are Colin and Erin? Where the hell is Hellcat? I will have a drink for every five minutes more that they are late! Pass the Old E." The drinking contest ensued, and Talkta smashed Dave into a turnbuckle. Within two minutes, Colin and Erin did show up, and the drinking contest was officially over. Tubby decided to keep drinking anyway.

The remainder of the night could only be described as a melee. Dave and Talkta wrestled continuously, Babe engaged in a brawl with Tubby and Mike V over a question of semantics, Collins challenged John's ugly lamp to a spelling contest, and Michelle and Erin argued about who had the shakiest boyfriend. Cousin Tossmonkey attempted to settle the various disagreements, but instead he spent much of the time battling himself in a "clamp it or weld it" dispute.

Here are the medal winners for WANG:

Michelle: Silver medal - Foosball (Michelle actually won the gold medal but turned it in for a silver one, as she doesn't like to wear gold)

Talkta - Gold medal - Luge

Mike V - Silver medal - duck calling

Babe: Gold medal - hurdles (Babe WAS the hurdle)

Collins - Gold medal - consecutive hours worked at S K speed

Erin - Gold medal - speed photography

Tubby - Bronze medal - complaining (Actually earned the gold medal, but committee wanted to give him something else to complain about.)

Dave: Gold medal - giant penis contest

As a side note, Hellcat and Plaia were abolished for poor attendance.