"So what do you think's going on with Buffy?"

Cordelia snapped her attention back to the present. Ever since the moment that she had decided to inform Angel about her 'condition', she had been preoccupied with asking herself whether it was exactly the right decision. It was in a way both lucky and unlucky that Xander and the rest of the Scoobies had decided to, at right that instant, stomp all over the most important revelation to Angel of her life, and thus give her more wrinkle-inducing anxiety - not that she actually had any wrinkles - so far her skin was still surprising supple and fresh, the big payoff from constant moisturising ... which wasn't really the point at all.

It was lucky because even now, Cordelia wasn't quite sure that she really wanted Angel to know that she was dying. It was also unlucky because ... Angel didn't know she was dying.

There she had said it. For months now the quiet certainty had crept into her subconscious and then gradually into her conscious mind, giving her more and more minute signs and moments and clues as to her eventual demise. She had tried to ignore it, banned herself from even contemplating such a possibility was, well, possible and assuring herself that sheer willpower alone would get her through the ordeal. And when her willpower began to fail, when her wall of steady resolve began to crumble with the increasing intensity of the pain, when she saw evidence of her deteriorating condition slowly unmasked in front of her still disbelieving eyes - she had resorted to reason. Logic.

She was a loyal servant of the Powers That Be, who were the good guys, and good guys were always good, and they would never let someone innocent die for no good reason ... right?

But the doubts even found her there. Her reason and logic turned against her - yes, it was true that the Powers were the protectors of the innocent, but ... what about those countless lives that had been lost to 'the mission', 'the fight'? Those that they could not save, and perished because of their failure? Images flashed through her mind - Doyle, sacrificing himself so others could live; Miss Calendar, brutally killed by Angelus because she had a way to restoring his soul; Gunn's sister ... the list was eternal. Infinite. What made Cordelia think she was any different?

It was as though there were two Cordelias - one desperate to live, buoyed by a fiery tenacity for survival - and the other cold and calm, wanting to make the other half see what was really there, regardless of emotional consequences. She had worked herself up to the point where she felt certain that all the conflicting emotions that she had been harbouring over the past few months would erupt into something decidedly yucky.

"Cordelia?" Xander's questioning eyes wandered over her face, deftly absorbing her confusion. "Are you ... is it a vision headache?"

Anya, Willow and Tara looked on with worried expressions. "Huh?"

"You seemed to be in a trance or something. Are you all right?"

Cordelia tried to laughed her melancholy off, wishing that she didn't have to repeat the 'I'm fine, no really' performance with this audience. "Was there drool?"

"Not detectable to the naked eye." Xander's brown eyes twinkled. "I was just asking, in a 'let's get some conversation started so we don't have awkward silence' way, what you thought Buffy was doing."

"Buffy? I ..." Cordelia's mind jolted quickly back to the present scene, not wanting to cause any ripples in the pond of Scooby goodwill. "Uh, well ... I think, you know, she's going through a lot right now. She's got a lot of stuff to deal with and while sometimes she may not look happy, I think she just ... needs to work stuff out on her own, and that takes time, and ... did you know Angel sings Manilow in public and like, all the time?"

Angel, who had been staring into space with a goofy half-grin on his face, snapped up with indignation so fast most of his soda went flying out of the glass he was clutching. "I ... don't." He said lamely.

Xander brushed the scary visual away as his attention returned to Cordelia. "Oh-kay. Actually, I meant what Buffy was doing in the kitchen."

"Oh," Cordelia gave a tiny nervous laugh, "right. That's exactly what I was thinking ... You know, with the issues ... in the kitchen."

Spike puffed out a billow of smoke, a derisive grin on his chiselled features. "You?" he chortled loudly, looking at Angel. "Sing? I've heard you 'sing' in your big bad days. Honestly old poof, I don't think that qualifies as singing. More like 'torture by a thousand butchered notes'. Or 'torture by getting people to rip out their own ears so they don't have to hear you sing." He held his hand up. "I think it'd rank right up there with Chinese water torture and -"

"Shut up Spike." Angel was practically gnawing at his teeth, his dark eyes narrowing in dislike. "You should talk. You had more people trying to rip out their own ears with your bloody awful poetry. I think I actually caught someone trying to jump over a wall terrified that they weren't running fast enough to get away from your bloody - awful - poetry."

Spike scowled, taking another puff of his cigarette. "There once was a poof called Angel, who couldn't tell his arse from his -"

"You know what you two remind me of?" Dawn suddenly said, interrupting their repartee with a wicked grin on her face. "An old married couple." She grinned cheekily at the two vampires, while Anya and Willow stifles their giggling in the background. Tara cover her mouth, unsuccessfully preventing red wine from leaking out of her convulsing mouth. Cordelia and Xander openly smirked.

"We - we don't," Spike spluttered, "oh sod off."

Angel sprang up, eager to get away from the barely muffled laughter. "I think I'll see what Buffy's doing in the kitchen." He said desperately, glancing at Cordelia with a twinge of laughter in his voice.

"No singing!" Xander called after him good-naturedly, which earned him a sharp poke on the side from Cordelia.

"That's my champion you're talking about, cretin boy. No one's allowed to tease him but me."

Spike suddenly got off the couch, grumbling about the amount of Angel-related talk. "That's it. Little bit, want to play some rummy?"

Dawn got up from the floor, stretching out her long slim legs. "Sure."

Anya piped up eagerly, "Ooh, will there be gambling involved? Any money that can change hands, like, to me?" Spike shrugged while Dawn produced a deck of cards and headed towards the dining table, shuffling the deck expertly.

Spike looked back at Anya. "Well, waiting for engraved invites or something?" He looked in exasperation at her blank face. "Are you playing or what?"

With a "Ooh yes", Anya gave a quick kiss to Xander and leaped off the floor. Willow and Tara likewise stood up.

"We're just going to go upstairs for a moment ... long day." Willow explained. "We'll be back down soon."

With a shy departing smile from Tara, the pair went upstairs and disappeared from view. Cordelia and Xander were left smiling blankly at each other.

"Is it just me, or did I manage to scare everyone away with my terrifying silence?" Cordelia commented jokingly.

"Personally I think it was the scary visual of Spike and Angel as a married couple that did it." Xander replied, a smirk on his broad face.

Cordelia couldn't stop herself from grinning at the Spike and Angel image. She screwed up her face in disgust. "Ew. And ick, and more ew. Bad, bad image." Her grin faded as her expression got serious. "But I'm glad we've got some time to talk now."

"Yeah?" Xander unconsciously back away. "About what?"

"You." Cordelia leaned in, her tone serious. "Your wedding. Why do I get the impression that you're not exactly happy about it?"

Xander looked at her steadily, his brown eyes darkening in rising panic. "I'm happy." He said defensively. "I'm very happy."

"Come on Mr. Happy." Cordelia's earnest hazel orbs looked into the confused well of emotion in his brown ones. "You can't fool me that easily. I've dealt with King of Brood and King of Repressed Emotions for too long to be fooled that easily. There's something you're not saying." She lifted her brows in emphasis.

Xander's face remained immobile for a few moments, then as if making a decision within himself his brow furrowed in resolution. "It's not that I'm not happy. I am - happy. It's just ... confusion, death and confusion abound."

Cordelia's forehead creased into a frown of concentration. "You mean ... confusion about marriage, Buffy's death and confusion about marriage?"

"Yeah." He sighed. "I asked Anya to marry me just before ... before we all went up against Glory that last time. Things were desperate and confusing, and I ... I kinda found Anya comforting. I found 'us' comforting." He lowered his eyes. "You know I thought we were going to die for sure this time."

"Why?" Cordelia quietly asked.

Xander gave a short, sharp laugh. "We were fighting a hell God, you know? I mean it just seems that, every year we'd have to fight bigger badder Big Bads. I thought the Master was scary. I thought the Mayor was as much fun as big giant snake could get at Graduation. Then we had indestructible robot guy on his indestructible rampage of death and what d'ya know - our next step up was a hell God from Hell. I mean," he looked at her fervently, his eyes shining with rare emotion, "there just has to be an end somewhere, you know? I figured it was the end last year, but ..."

"... you survived." She finished off. "You survived ... and now you're terrified of the consequences."

Xander expelled a deep breath. "I can't believe I just told you that."

"Yeah well I'm a good listener. And a good talker, and well - good all round." She smiled suddenly, lighting up her whole face with warmth and compassion. "I can't believe I'm saying this to you because, well - it's you ... but I think you might be thinking too much about this. You're thinking 'Gosh, I'm going to be married soon which means I need to be an actual adult with a good job to provide for my family, and when my kids grow up they'll need a college fund because - of course they're going to go to college - and after they go, you'll have nothing to do but play golf and die'. It's like you're thinking it's the rest of your life, which in a way it is, but life isn't like that Xander." She paused, a crooked smile playing at the edges of her mouth. "Life isn't like a straight line that you go from A to B. There are other places, like Cs and Ds and maybe even an E. You just have to make sure that you want to marry her because you love her, and not think about all the other million things that may follow from that."

Xander nodded, absorbing the information. "Man, you're good. I bow to your infinite wisdom."

"I know. Just think about what I said ... in the silence of your own home." She grinned impishly at him. "Now go and see what Angel and Buffy are up to in the kitchen. I want my dessert."

"As you wish." Xander mock bowed, and hesitated. "Thanks Cordy. You're a life saver."

Her smile faltered slightly, but she waved him away. "Go, I need my chocolate fix."

And Xander went to the kitchen, disappearing from her view.

 

(c) March 2002