Buffy sighed as she watched Angel and Cordelia readying to leave, surprisingly happy at the way the night had managed to turn out. She had invited Angel and Cordelia on a whim, and she had been no less surprised than he was when the invitation had popped out of her mouth that afternoon.

But things had turned out okay - in fact, more than okay. She admitted to herself that while it would take a long, long time for her to really let go of Angel and their past love and regrets, she could still say with certainty that she didn't exactly hate the idea of Angel moving on and finding love with another woman. In his case, Cordelia.

Buffy frowned slightly, creasing her flawlessly golden skin. It rankled her pride slightly that Angel had chosen Cordelia - of all people - to be with, but she hurriedly pushed her resentment away. Perhaps if this had happened before she had died, before she had known how precious life really was, it would have destroyed any future friendship she might have shared with Angel. She was almost sure that she wouldn't have been able to accept the situation so quickly, nor as maturely.

She shrugged mentally. Yes, the change would take time to get used to, but she was determined that eventually, she would really and truly be happy for them without the insistent rankling that accompanied thoughts of them together and happy, sharing each other's lives as she and Angel had never shared theirs. It would just take some time to wrap her heart around it.

She smiled slightly. Time was something she actually had.

"Okay." Buffy was jogged out of her thoughts by Cordelia's smiling face, Angel standing behind her, a hand placed on her shoulder. "We ah, we should get going now."

"Yeah." The others crowded around them, and as a group they made for the door. Cordelia and Angel turned around to face them.

"Well ..." Cordelia trailed off, unsure how to bid them good bye. The thought that it was possibly the last that she would see all of them screamed inside the recesses of her brain, but she resolutely pushed it to the back of her mind. She wasn't about to get all maudlin and teary-eyed now. "Well ..."

"You guys have a safe trip." Xander detached himself from Anya and hugged Cordelia tightly, the sliver of genuine emotion that escaped him causing her to tremble slightly. He let go and shook Angel's hand, a manly gesture that did not escape either of them. "You take care of her, okay?"

Angel nodded slightly, understanding flowing from his eyes. "With my life."

Xander nodded back, melting back into the group. The others quickly crowded around Angel and Cordelia, wishing them both a good trip and saying their good-byes. Anya waved and said a cheery, "Good bye. Bring some expensive gifts to our wedding." Dawn came forward and hugged both Angel and Cordelia, slightly teary, while Spike watched on rolling his eyes. Tara managed a softly spoken but heart warming farewell, while Willow whispered, "Don't be strangers. Keep in touch."

After Angel and Cordelia had disentangled themselves from the multitudes of farewells and good-byes, there was only one person left.

Buffy held the door open, the fresh night breeze blowing wisps of her golden hair around her petite features. Her blue eyes glimmered with emotion in the pearly glow of the moon light, but when she spoke, her voice was steady.

"Bye Angel." She whispered, while the others trotted back into the house, eager to give Buffy privacy to send off her past.

Angel took a moment to absorb her features, the features that he had once worshipped and had loved so much, those beautiful eyes that had alternately haunted his dreams and given him life. He could hardly believe that his life had taken on such a strange turn - that he was embracing a girl he had once loved, and going back to his current life with the woman he now loved - he wouldn't have been able to quite believe his senses, if he had not seen the changes that were now so starkly evident in the contours of Buffy's face. Those eyes, once so lively and streaked with the lightness in her soul, were now dark and tormented.

Cordelia stood somewhat awkwardly to the side, carefully avoiding the rampant emotion that was evident in both their faces. She didn't mind in the slightest. After all, if she had shared the passionate love that they had, she would have found it hard to say good bye to it too.

She shifted slightly. Okay, while it was true that she didn't exactly mind them showing their feelings for each other, she really didn't like feeling excluded. Because that was what she was feeling at the moment. Cordelia was very conscious of the fact that she would never be able to share a part of Angel's life; that part that Buffy had shared with him, the part that Buffy had played in starting Angel off on his journey to redemption.

She felt a momentary twinge of jealousy before brushing it off. It was unreasonable to think that any one person could share in everything that a person had experienced in their lives. It was true that she would never share that part of his life with him, but she had her fair share of memories and moments with him to hold on to, and that was enough for her.

As Angel and Buffy disentangled themselves from each other, Cordelia's thoughts fleetingly wondered whether there was any emotion left for them to get back together after Cordelia finished the dying thing. Sure they were all cosy 'we'll always love each other' friends now, but how much would the equation change after she died? Of course, she fully trusted that Angel would brood away the better part of a year after her ... absence, but after that - would they be able to get back together? Would they want to? Would Buffy comfort him the way Cordelia had comforted him after Buffy had died? And when she was safely rotting away in her grave, when Angel finally accepted that she was gone, would Angel and Buffy find each other again and start a new life?

She shook herself as she dismissed It was morbid and scary to think of life without her, and besides, it was really gross to think of herself rotting away in some grave. Argh.

Angel noticed her shuddering and instinctively wrapped his arms around her against the chill night air. To him the occasion felt momentous - that somehow, by saying good bye to Buffy now, he was also saying good bye to their past as well. He thought that he had more or less put the past behind him when he had gradually accepted Buffy's death; but in fact, her resurrection had given them both the rare chance to set things right and make a new beginning - a beginning to match their new lives - away from each other, but not necessarily apart.

Angel gazed one last time into Buffy's deep blue orbs, those orbs now twinkling and shining with emotion as she smiled back at him. He knew he would remember the moment for the rest of his life.

"Good-bye Buffy." He softly said. He turned around quickly and retreated into the night to wait for Cordelia. To other people his farewell would have seemed cursory and cold; but he knew that Buffy would understand how hard it was for him to say good bye to her like this - he knew she felt the significance of their parting too. He knew it because he could see it in her eyes as he took his last look at her face, gleaming in the pearly glow of the moon light.

Buffy gazed after Angel, longing and gladness etched clearly on the smooth contours of her face. She blinked, causing a single tear to escape from her shining orbs. She brushed it quickly away as she became conscious of Cordelia's penetrating and unapologetic gaze.

Buffy looked into Cordelia's earnest brown eyes, breaking the tension with a small laugh. "So ..."

"So ..." Cordelia replied, mirroring her awkwardness. It felt strange ... she felt strangely connected to Buffy tonight and it was difficult to let go. To Cordelia, it was as if she had found someone who she knew she could be good friends with, if only she had more time to get to know them. If only she had more time ... Cordelia knew that time was a commodity that she definitely didn't have a lot of at the moment.

Buffy seemed to have come to a similar realisation. Rubbing her hands together in against the chill, she shivered involuntarily. "So ... I guess I'll see you ... sometime."

"Yeah." Cordelia replied, mustering the last vestiges of her energy and funnelling it into her falsely bright tone. "Yeah, see you ... around."

With that she turned to go, but she hadn't even stepped off the porch when she heard Buffy calling after her, her steps heavy against the stillness of the evening. "Cordelia ... wait." Cordelia turned around, unsure of what Buffy was going to say. At the back of her mind, she knew that Buffy wouldn't say anything to damage her emotional well-being, but still ... she wasn't really in the mood to insulate herself against any surprises either.

"Cordelia ..." Cordelia trained her eyes on Buffy, half-curious and half-afraid of what Angel's past love would say. She hoped it wouldn't be anything in the general vein of the 'if you hurt Angel I'll come after you with my super Slayer strength and make you regret you were ever born' speech. Buffy was too nice of a person to say that ... wasn't she?

Cordelia found that she was holding her breath as she stared intently at Buffy, her demeanour expectant. Buffy likewise looked harassed, as if she was having difficulty making herself say whatever it was she waned to say.

She saw Buffy take a deep calming breath. Finally the Slayer exhaled. Buffy looked straight into Cordelia's hazel eyes and said beseechingly, "Tell him. Tell him about you ... or you'll always regret it."

Buffy's sincere tone caught Cordelia completely off guard, and several moments passed before she could form a reply, but even then, she found that she was nowhere near the level of coherency that she usually attained. "Buffy ..."

But the blonde cut her off gently. "Trust me Cordelia. Please - tell him." And with that she silently turned around and closed the door behind her, leaving Cordelia staring blankly into the empty space where the Slayer had been just moments before.

"Cordy?" Angel's voice broke Cordelia out of her trance, and she whirled around quickly, covering her confusion with expertise. "You ready to go?"

She looked at him for a moment, her eyes luminous in the moon light. "Yes, Angel ... I'm ready."

* * *

Buffy paused in the middle of washing the dishes, her mind whirling with thoughts of Angel and Cordelia, her and Spike, her and Dawn, Xander and Anya, Willow and Tara and Giles ... and how life had changed for all of them. No one could have predicted that Xander would be the first out of the old gang to be getting married, same as no one could have known that Willow would become the powerful witch that she now was. When Buffy had sent Angel to hell, had asked him to close his eyes for her to kiss him good bye, with tears streaming silently down her face, no one could have known that one day he would be returned, and move to L.A, and make another life for himself, one that really didn't include her. No one could have known, because life was unpredictable in that way. That was what Life was - unpredictable and unknowable; sometimes sad, sometimes surprising ... sometimes happy and interesting and comfortable.

Buffy let her arms go limp, staring blankly out into the darkness. The pale rays of the half-risen moon cast a pearly lustre over the neatly mowed lawn and the freshly trimmed hedge just outside her kitchen window. Above, set amidst the heavy darkness of the sky, the stars blinked and twinkled impishly, inviting her into its inky depths ... and suddenly Buffy realised something.

She realised that she could see beauty in the darkness around her. She had never liked the darkness because it was a home to all the things she had learned to hate, all the demons and monsters that it was her mission to destroy. It had never appealed to her like the light of the day, with the sun and the sky and the birds chirping on cool crispy mornings - but now, looking out into the glistening night sky, she could see the beauty all around her. Beauty in the night time, the darkness that she had once thought was so empty and soulless. She had known - had somehow intrinsically known - that she had left the light forever when she had sacrificed herself to save her sister. She had known it when she had felt herself returning, coming back into the world when she had no right to, when she hadn't wanted to. She had pretended to everyone, including herself, that she was the same old Buffy - but she wasn't. She would never be. There was a darkness to her now that the old Buffy never had, because the old Buffy had been all about light and brightness and Sunday picnics and puppies running around in the sunshine.

The new Buffy ... the new Buffy was calmer, more sedate, and ... darker. A fact that she had tried to hide from herself, terrified of its implications. But Angel had made her realise that it was okay to be different now - because she would never be the same person she had been before she had died.

"Hey." The touch of Spike's familiarly soft leather duster against her back broke her out of her reverie. She felt one of his slightly cold hands placed hesitantly onto her shoulder, as if he was unsure of its reception. Her body froze ... then relaxed.

Buffy was no longer afraid of the future. She was no longer afraid that the dark would swallow her whole, because she was part of it, and she realised that the dark didn't have to be evil or bad. It was just ... not light.

A spectre of a smile crossed her face. She looked up, gazing intently at herself, feeling the presence of the vampire behind her despite her reflection on the window telling her otherwise.

Buffy turned around, tilting her head up to meet Spike's intense gaze. "What do you say Slayer? Ready for a bit of a patrol around the old neighbourhood?"

Without hesitation Buffy said simply, "I'm ready."

 

(c) April 2002