The liberating silence continued for a while, Buffy now occupied with draining the pasta and mixing in the accompanying marinara sauce while Cordelia looked on.

Suddenly the brunette's eyes twinkled, her mind catching on to details the other girl had imparted about a certain bleached blonde vampire. "What's with you and Spike?"

Buffy's head jerked up, her surprise almost leading her to burn herself with scalding water. "Wh-what?"

"You know - you said how Spike left his blood here sometimes?"

"No I didn't."

"Yes you did." Cordelia insisted. "What gives?"

Buffy swallowed hard, recovering enough to turn back to the stove top. "I already said ... he comes over because he hangs with Dawn a lot. He's been ... very good to her."

Cordelia eyed the blonde astutely. "To you as well."

Blue eyes rose in confusion from the mist of steam spreading between them, as Buffy's face turned a crimson hue. "Yeah, to me as well."

"You like him." Cordelia lifted her brows matter-of-factly.

Buffy's mouth opened to protest, but she quickly changed her mind and plunged on, words suddenly tumbling unceremoniously over each other. "It's ... it's so confusing. It's sick ... and wrong ... and bad ... and, and ... did I mention it was wrong?" She bit her lip. "I mean - he's bad. I can't - I shouldn't be doing this ..."

"What?"

Buffy couldn't say it. She just couldn't admit, even to herself, the way she felt about Spike. Or more accurately, the way that Spike made her feel, passionate and loved and right and connected and - God - alive. That was the crux of it, this relationship or thing or whatever she and Spike shared at the moment, and that none of the Scoobies remotely knew about, because if they did they'd probably kill her and send her back to whatever hell dimension they thought she'd been banished to after jumping into that portal. They'd think she was some sort of hell creature version of Buffy, someone who wasn't even all that human because how could she be human when she could feel that way about Spike?

"Buffy ...?" Cordelia looked at the Slayer, sympathy welling in her orbs. "He's a vampire, I get that. But ... you know, stranger things have happened. I can't think of any right now ..."

"Cordelia you don't get it ... he's a vampire. I'm the Slayer."

"Angel was a vampire. And correct me if I'm wrong, but you were the Slayer back then too."

"But Angel had a soul."

"And now Spike's got a covert government chip in that bleached head of his and - how often does he bleach that hair anyway because I don't see any roots ... which is so not the point ... the point being, that he can't hurt people now anyway, so ..."

"So? Cordy it's completely different. Angel has a soul - he knows the difference between right and wrong. And he has a conscience ... Spike's just a killer, a demon that's going to kill if he ever gets that chip out of his brain."

Cordelia rolled her eyes in irritation. "Oh come on Buffy, you know it's not as simple as that." She took a breath, willing herself to calm down. "Angel went mental last year and locked a bunch of lawyers in a room with Darla and Dru, pretty much guaranteeing them an all-the-lawyers-you-can-eat buffet. Spike could've locked a whole bunch of people in a room with a couple of vamps or whatever or killed them some other way and had himself a feast, but he didn't. Or he could've cast a spell on some demon or whatever and have him kill someone or ... you get my point Buffy? If there's one thing I've learnt in the last few years is ... things are just not as simple as that."

Buffy remained immobile, so Cordelia continued. "You know what I think? This isn't all about Spike at all. You're scared, because you've changed into something - or someone - " she quickly corrected, "you never thought you'd be. You're not the annoying perky little Slayer gal that saved everyone's lives like, a million times in high school. You're new and weird with the coming back to life thing so it's natural that things are weird too because you're looking at yourself through old-Buffy eyes when you should be looking through new-Buffy eyes, and - and - you kinda get what I'm trying to say here?"

"Wow. That's ... wow." Buffy turned her shocked blue eyes up to confront Cordelia's earnest hazel ones, before the beginnings of a smile crept over her features. "Can you read souls or something with those visions of yours?"

"Well, not as a general rule because - how cool would that be?" Cordelia's smile faded. "I had a vision of you and that giant calamari demon ... and when I have visions I see and feel what the person's seeing and ... feeling."

"Oh." Buffy trailed off quietly, still a little disconcerted by the ease with which Cordelia enunciated her confusion in the past few months. She had been in turmoil over so many things - why she had been allowed to come back to life, and her growing feelings for Spike - things that had disturbed her more thoroughly than any demon or uprising or apocalypse ever could have. And suddenly in just a few hours both Angel and Cordelia had come charging into that confusion in their own way and made her feel more comfortable about those things ... made her feel more comfortable about herself.

"Yeah - 'oh'." Cordelia drew herself on the counter top and shrugged. "Getting the visions is just the start when we're trying to save whoever. Sometimes part of helping the hopeless is about saving them from themselves. Getting them to realise it is the hard part." She stared pointedly at the Slayer.

Buffy smiled. "Message received loud and clear." She switched off the stove. "Could you hand me those plates over there? And ... thanks Cordelia."

"No problem." Cordelia solemnly passed her the first plate. "And no ... I don't think that you enjoying sex with a demon is bad." She rambled on, oblivious to the look of embarrassment on Buffy's face. "Sex can be good, if you let it be. It can be a real connection. I mean, I'd like to get a little of that action if you know what I mean. But not with Spike 'cause that's ... ew." She shuddered. "With Angel it'd be ... good ... I'm thinking. Sure there's the curse which means we can never - but I mean, he doesn't have to get a happy right? I could technically get one and I'd be happy, and as long as he doesn't get too happy about giving me a happy, then we'd both be happy, and ..." Cordelia reddened. "I'd appreciate it if we never mention this part of the conversation again."

Buffy smiled tightly. "Good idea." While she and Angel had come to an understanding about their past, it still stung a little to imagine Angel and Cordelia together. Regardless of what would happen in her life with Spike it would take her a while to get rid of the petty little feeling of jealousy on her part.

But she realised that was okay. She didn't have to beat herself up over the way she was feeling because ... this was what it was like to feel. To feel was to live, which was what life was all about. And as long as she was willing to acknowledge her feelings things would work out ... hopefully.

Suddenly a disturbingly familiar figure in the form of - who else - Spike strode casually into the kitchen, and Buffy groaned inwardly despite her newly-formed resolution. Spilling and discussing her innermost confusion regarding Spike had taken a lot out of her, and Buffy didn't know whether she had enough energy to deal with him - and Angel - in the same house.

Only time would tell.

 

(c) February 2002