Sometimes I find myself wondering if anything I do has any impact beyond myself. Sometimes I feel like a bird flapping its wings against a glass window, going through the motions, but not getting anywhere. I really want to move forward in my development and in my efforts to help others. I do much to set the stage through learning and application, but I still remain in the same spot. I listen with my inner mind for guidance from angels and compassionate beings, I look for clues around me in my ordinary life and in my dreamtime, I meditate so that my inner knowing will develop, I perform my spiritual practices…yet I don’t seem to receive any answers. Or do I?
I sent out a question to the universe recently, kind of an amorphous question, one that I didn’t consciously ask. I didn’t even realize the question had been asked until the answer presented itself. I questioned whether my actions affected the universe, whether the Reiki and spiritual practices I perform really mattered.
Validation is a funny thing. I’ve had individuals tell me about the colors they see and others speak of sounds or deep relaxation. I’ve experienced altered states while applying Reiki energy that convince me of higher powers at work. Yet other times, I seem to be filling space and that’s it. I doubt myself particularly when I’ve been practicing on my own for awhile and haven’t connected with another group of Reiki practitioners or worked on other people. So why do I doubt? Do I really need this constant reassurance that comes in the form of a question, “does what I do make a difference in the world”?
I recently wrote an essay using the Butterfly Effect as an example of how good can be brought into the world in a cascading effect – rather the reverse of the chaos theory that the Butterfly Effect espouses. It’s something I believe and try to practice, a “pay it forward” type of social activism on a very small scale. Soon after, my doubts began to surface and the question echoed into the universe. So how does God answer a question like that?
It used to be that God called out and you answered, very clear cut in the bible; if that happened today my sanity would be in doubt. If an angel actually appeared in my house in all his or her glory, I might be rather unnerved in a big way. I’m sure He knows that, too. So instead, He gave me a very gentle "slap upside the head," more like a friendly tap.
Since I wrote my essay, I noticed more monarch butterflies in my yard. I hadn’t seen the beautiful little things around for years. Two weeks ago I stood on my back stoop when a monarch caught my eye and I followed it. A few steps into my garden the monarch fluttered by my lilac bush; lo and behold, the lilac was blooming rather spectacularly out of season. Lilacs bloom very briefly in the early spring here where I live – my husband and I enjoyed this Autumn miracle for the week that it happened. It was a couple of days ago that “the tap” happened. I was reading an article that mentioned the Butterfly Effect and used the same analogy of how little things can influence the world for good. Then it clicked: the Butterfly Effect, the butterflies, this echo of my own words, and my question. Yes, every little bit that I do does affect the universe. It was as if the Divine left me breadcrumbs to follow to my own answer.
Faith is a funny thing. It’s a simple word for what ultimately is a simple act: letting go and not being tied to the outcome. And that’s how God gives us answers sometimes, on faith. So here I am. I will continue to strive for good and follow my heart, even if at times I feel like I’m going through the motions. I’ve been told through little messengers that “yes there is a Santa Claus,” a bringer of good things, and it’s me, even if I don’t always see the outcome. And isn’t that what faith is all about?