« - JoKeS

On the list bellow are some thing which are supposed to be jokes, some of them are funny ...& the rest ..... are supposed to be funny..

*Warning*

Some of the joke content might be sexist, racist, or just plain vulgar.

Thank You Kindly
WebMaster

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license.
He says, "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."
The woman answered, "Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied, "I don't care who you know!
You're getting a ticket!"

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children
while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see
each child's artwork.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked
what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied,
"They will in a minute."

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything,
including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class,
seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve
was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week
his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill,
and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side.
I think I'm going to have a wife."

A woman was rushed into hospital because she was having a baby. A few minutes after the baby was born, the husband attempts to call the hospital. Instead of dialing the hospital's number, he accidentally dials the wrong number and gets through to the local cricket ground. The guy on the one end replies "Good day, how can i help?" The husband then asks

"Do you have any news?

The guy replies "Certainly sir, Seven are out and the last one was a duck!"

A man was praying to God.
He said, "God!?"

God responded, "Yes?"
And the guy said, "Can I ask a question?"
"Go right ahead," God said.

"God, what is a million years to you?"
God said, "a million years to me is only a second."
"Hmmm," the man wondered. Then he asked, "God, what is a million
dollars worth to you?"

God said, "a million dollars to me is as a penny."
So the man said, "God. can I have a penny?"
And God cheerfully said, "Sure!!.....just a second."

A bloke goes into a supermarket and buys:

* one tin of beans
* one bag of crisps
* one pack of burgers
* one tub of icecream
* one cake
* one yoghurt
* one pint of milk

He takes them over to the checkout, and the girl looks at what he has bought
and asks if he is single.

The bloke says sarcastically, "Yes. However did you guess?"

The girl replies, "You're an ugly bastard, that's how."

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies....."Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day.....we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly states......"No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual...."if you need anything, just let me know."

Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking, "What's so bad now........are you gonna be ok??"

"No......" exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister.
She told me that HER mom died too!!"

Just as the judge was about to leave, the couple asked him to marry them. He asked if they had a license and, when they didn't, sent them off to get one.

They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up, and got the license from him. When they got back to the judge, he pointed out they had filled the names in backwards -- his where hers belonged and vice versa. They rushed back to the clerk's office, caught him again, and got another license.

This time, the judge noticed that the clerk had filled in the date in the wrong format. Again they catch the clerk... After five reissued licenses, the judge is finally satisfied.

Judge: "I hope you appreciate why I made you keep going back. If there are irregularities in the license, your marriage would not be legal, and any children you might have would be technical bastards."

Groom: "That's funny - that's just what the clerk called you."

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned. I committed adultery."

Priest says: "How many times?"
Woman: "Three times."
Priest says, "Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more."

A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Priest says, "What did you do?" Man says, "I committed adultery." Priest asks, "How many times?" Man replies, "Three times." Priest says, "Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more."

The Rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Rabbi says, "What did you do?" Woman replies, "I committed adultery." Rabbi asks, "How many times?" Woman says "Once." Rabbi says, "Go do it two more times, we have a special this week, three for $5.00."

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?"

The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.

The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?" St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."

The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that? St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock." This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?"

"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's Bill Clinton's clock. We use it as a ceiling fan."

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

How TO Annoy Others:

1. Leave the copy machine set to 99 copies, reduce 200 extra dark, 17 inch paper.

2. In the memo field of all your checks write "insufficient funds."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

8. Practice making fax and modem noises.

9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc." them to your boss.

10. Make beeping noises when you back up.

11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy."

12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others you "like it that way."

16. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

18. Honk and wave to strangers.

19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat the complimentary mints by the cash register.

20. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.

21. type only in lowercase.

22. Don t use any punctuation either

23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?". "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

27. Ask people what gender they are.

28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

30. Sing along at the opera.

31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook and mutter something about "psychological profiles."

33. Tell your friends 5 days prior, that you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

34. Send this email to everyone in your email address book even if they sent it to you or ask you not to send things like this!

Here's a song to get you thru' the exams

To the tune of Gloria Gaynor's "I will survive"
------------------------------------------------------------------
At first I was afraid, I was petrified!
Kept thinking I could never pass with no revision guide,
But then I spent so many nights, getting all the questions wrong,
And I grew strong, and I learned I could scrape along,

I won't look back, to any place,
When I can swallow 15 cans and get completely off my face,
I would have revised by the clock,
I would have had no spare time free,
If I'd thought for just one second my exams would bother me,

So all my notes, are on the floor,
Don't even matter... that there's no rock night anymore...
Weren't you the one who tried to get me to revise?
You think I'd crumble? You think I'd work towards the skies?

Oh no, not I!
I won't revise!
Unless I die of beer stains, I know I'll stay alive,
Though my money's at an end,
I've my overdraft to spend,
I won't revise,
I won't revise!!

It took all the strength I had, not to act the part,
But in the end my real revision didn't even start.
I used to sit at home at night, feeling guilty to myself,
I used to try, but now I hold my head up high,

And you see me! Somebody new!
I'm not that mixed up weird bloke who wants a good 2:2
So if you feel like dropping in, chances are that I'll be free,
Coz I've done sod all revision, and I'm failing my degree,

Oh no, not I!
I won't revise,
I think that I may scrape a third, but I could be telling lies!
Let the lecturers all storm,
My bed's far too nice and warm,
I won't revise,
I won't revise !

Place and time: Somewhere in the Soviet Union in the 1930s.

The phone rings at KGB headquarters.
"Hello?"
"My neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz is an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his woodshed." "This will be noted."

The next day, the KGB goons go over to Rabinovitz's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Rabinovitz, and leave.

The phone rings at Rabinovitz's house.
"Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?"
"Yes."
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yes, they did."
"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed."

A man rushed home from work and exclaimed to his wife, "Pack your bags, I've won the lottery!" The wife excitedly asks, "Should I pack clothes for cold or warm weather?" He says,

"Pack'em all, and get the hell out!"

There's a South African cricket fan, an Australian cricket fan and a beautiful woman sitting next to each other on a train. The train goes through a tunnel and everything gets dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel.

The woman and the South African fan are sitting there looking perplexed. The Australian fan is bent over holding his face which is
red from an apparent slap.

The Australian fan is thinking "Bastard, that South African must have tried to kiss this lady, she thought it was me and slapped me."

The lady is thinking, "That Australian fan must have moved to kiss me and kissed the South African fan instead and got slapped."

The South African fan is thinking to himself..."If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap that Australian again."

A young black boy goes into the kitchen where his mother is baking. He puts his hands in the flour and coats his face with it. He looks at his mother and says "Look Momma.....I'm a white boy." His mother slaps him hard on the face and says "Boy go show your Daddy." The boy goes into the living room and says "Look Daddy ....I'm a white boy" His Father slaps him and says "Go and show your grandmother."

So the boy goes to see his grandma and says "Look Granny....I'm a white boy". She slaps him on the face and sends him back to his mother. His mother says "Well, did you learn something from all this?". The boy shakes his head and says

"I sure nuff did.....I've only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black people".

A nigger was walking down the street, kicking some rubbish out of his way, when he spotted something amid the trash that gleamed strangely. It urned out to be an oddly shaped bottle, and when he rubbed it, a Jewish genie appeared. "I'll give you two wishe s," quipped the genie. "Far out," said the black man. "First, I want to be white, uptight, and out of sight!" Second, I want
to be surrounded by warm, sweet pussy. So the genie turned him into a TAMPON!

The moral of this story: You can't get anything from a Jew without strings attached!

A nun gets on a bus and sits behind the driver. She says to the bus driver she needs someone to talk to. She lives in a convent and wants to experience sex before she dies. The bus driver agrees but the nun explains she can't have sex with a married man because it would be a sin. The bus driver says no problem, he's not married. The nun says she also has to die a virgin, so she has to take it in the ass. The bus driver agrees again and being the only two people on the bus they go in the back and take care of business. When they were done and he had resumed driving, the bus driver said, "Sister, I have a confession to make, I'm married and have three kid's." The nun replied, "That's O.K. I have a confession too. My name is Bruce and I'm on my way to a
costume party."

Three mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that he slams another shot.

The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it. And with that he slams another shot.

The third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, Where the hell are you going?"

The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to fuck the cat."

3 accountants were in the urinal performing their morning constitutional. The first accountant finishes and walks over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeds to dry his hands very carefully. He uses paper towel after paper towel and ensures that every single spot of water on his hands is dried. Turning to the other 2 accountants, he says - "At KPMG, we are trained to be extremely thorough".

The second accountant finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds to wash his hands. He uses a single paper towel and makes sure that he dries every drop of water from his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turns and says - "At Price Waterhouse, not only are we trained to be extremely thorough but we are also trained to be extremely efficient".

The third accountant finishes and walks straight for the door. "At Arthur Andersen, we learn not to piss on our hands."

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet."?? Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant. One room and the normal follow up to that.? Their first night there she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks "Why the panties?" She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning," He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom. She looks at him and asks, "What's with this... a black condom?" He replies, "I'm going to offer my condolences."

Three men were walking in a desert, tired, hungry and thirsty they came upon an oasis with a great castle. Upon entering the castle the men found that there were no men at the castle, only countless beautiful women.

For about a week the three men enjoyed the harem of women, then one day the king of the castle returned with his army and upon paying a visit to his harem he found the three men and summoned his guards to line the men up against the wall.

The king approached the men and stated that each would be punished for his acts according to his chosen occupation. He walked up to the first man and demanded to know his occupation, the man replied that he was a fireman. The king then said to his guard, "burn off his penis."

This done the king then proceeded to the second man, "What is your occupation?" Hesitating the man stated, "I'm a police officer." At this the king ordered the guard," Shoot off his penis."

With this done, he proceeded to the third man, "What is your occupation." With a smile on his face the man replied,

"I'm a lollypop salesman" .

A man walks into a T-Shirt store and on the walls there where three t-shirts on display for sale.

The first row had the picture of Richard Nixon with a thin white mustache and below the picture it was titled: GOT MILK

The second row of shirts were the picture of Ronald Reagan with the white mustache and it was titled: FORGOT MILK

And the third was of Monica Lewinsky with a white mustache and under her it was titled: NOT MILK

One night, Pinnochio's girlfriend says to him, "This stinks. Every time we make love I get splinters."
So Pinnochio goes to Gepetto to ask his advice. Gepetto says, "Sandpaper, my boy, that's all you need." A few days later Gepetto runs into Pinnochio and says, "So how are you doing with the girls now?"

Pinnochio says, "Who needs girls?"

A husband and wife are celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same sexy little negligee she wore on their wedding night. She looks at her husband and says, "Honey, Do you remember this?"

He looks up at her and says, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."

She says, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night." He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what was it?" she asks.

He responds, "Well honey, as I remember, I said, "Ohhhhhhhhh Baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out."

She giggles and says, "Yes honey, that's it. That's exactly what you said. So, now it's 50 years later, I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"

Again he looks up at her and looks her up and down and replies, "
Mission Accomplished."

"Jane" was becoming frustrated with her husband's insistence that they have sex in the dark. Hoping to free her husband from his inhibitions, during a passionate evening, she flipped on the lamp--only to discover a cucumber in his hand.

Is THIS what you've been using on me for the past 10 years!?!"
"Honey! Let me explain!"

"Why you sneaky bastard!" she screamed. "You impotent SOB!!"

"Speaking of sneaky!" he interrupted,
"Maybe you'd care to explain our 2 kids!!!"

n a WhoreHouse in New Jersey, the doorbell rang. The Madame comes to the door and answers it. There is a man with no arms and no legs on the doorstep. "What do you want?" she asks. "I want a woman," he says. "A woman? You don't have any arms or legs. What are you going to do with a woman?" The man replies,

"I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

he weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water. After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief. The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move.Then one of the ladies said:' You know, I have a special gift, I can read minds.' 'Impossible', said the embarrassed man, 'You really know what I think?' 'Yes', the lady replied, 'Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom.'

A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time.

He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress. The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the canapés the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped.

"SPOT!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet.

Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go.

"Spot!" she called out sharply. "I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. "One more and I'll feel fine." So he let loose a really big one.

"Spot !!!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he shits on you!"

One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word 'PENIS' (in tiny letters) on the blackboard.

She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class.

The next day, the word 'PENIS' was written on the board again; this time it was written about halfway across the board.

Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously.

At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words:

"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."

A little girl and her mother were walking through the park one day when they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl said, "Mommy, what are they doing?"

The mother hesitated, then quickly replied, "Um, they're making cakes."

The next day they were at a zoo and the little girl saw two monkeys having sex. Again she asked her mother, "What are they are doing?"

Her mother replied with the same response: "Making cakes."

The next day the girl said to her mother, "Mommy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night."

Shocked, the mother asked, "How do you know?"

She said, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."

Two drunks were sitting on a street corner wondering if they should buy a beer with their last dollar. One of the drunks suggested that they buy a hotdog. The other started bitching, complaining that he couldn't drink a hotdog. The other drunk told him his idea.

"What we do is buy a hotdog, go into a bar, and order two drinks. After we drink our beers you drop down to your knees, and I'll unzip my pants and pull out the hotdog so you can suck on it. The bartender will throw us out thinking we're queers."

The other drunk thought this was a great idea, so they bought a hotdog. They went into the first bar, ordered their drinks, and drank them quickly. Then the drunk dropped to his knees and started to suck the hotdog. Sure enough, the bartender kicked them out thinking they were queer.

They hit about ten or fifteen bars when the first drunk started to complain about his knees hurting. He asked if in the next bar the other drunk would do the dirty work. The second drunk said, "I'd rather not. I lost the hotdog after about the fifth bar."

TO: All employees

FROM: The boss

DATE: January 28, 2000

RE: Foul Language

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who are easily offended, this type of language will be no longer tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers. Therefore, a list of new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late. INSTEAD OF: When the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I'm certain that is not feasible. INSTEAD OF: No fucking way!

TRY SAYING: Really? INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with . . . INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned. INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a shit.

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project. INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING: That's interesting. INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?

TRY SAYING: I'm not sure I can implement this. INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, it won't work.

TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that. INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem? INSTEAD OF: Who the fuck cares?

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the problem. INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it? INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at this moment. INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand. INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge. INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that? INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING: I see. INSTEAD OF: Bite me.

TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it. INSTEAD OF: Another fucking meeting?

TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem. INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a shit.

TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive. INSTEAD OF: He's a fucking prick.

TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter. INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training. INSTEAD OF: What the fuck are you doing?

An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2000 yen and walked out with $72. The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week.

The teller said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"

The teller said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.

"What's logic?" the first redneck asked.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"I sure do."

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good!" said the redneck.

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."

Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck was catching on.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin' ?" asked the friend.

"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.

"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.

"No," his friend replied.

"You're queer, ain't ya?"

Dear Santa,

You must be surprised that I'm writing to you today, the
26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain
things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled
with illusion, I wrote you my letter.

I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform.

I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but
I had the best grades in the whole school.
I'm not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire
neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my
friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even
help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach
that I would not do for humanity.

What balls do you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a stupid
whistle and a pair of socks. What the fuck were you thinking, you
fat son of a bitch, that you've taken me for a sucker the whole
fucking year to come out with some shit like this under the tree. As if
you hadn't fucked me enough, you gave that little faggot across the street so
many toys that he can't even walk into his house.

Please don't let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my
chimney next year. I'll fuck you up. I'll throw rocks at those
stupid reindeer and scare them away so you'll have to walk back to the
fucking North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didn't get me
that fucking bike. FUCK YOU SANTA. Next year you'll find out how bad I
can be, you FAT-SON-OF-A-BITCH.

Sincerely,
Little Johnny

Johnny and his little brother are up in there room practising there swear words

when Johnny's mom calls them downstairs for breakfast.

Johnny's little brother goes down first. His mom asks him what he wants for breakfast.

Johnny's little brother says that he wants some fuckin cornflakes.. so his mom smacks him ..

he hits the wall and falls to the floor. Johnny goes downstairs and his mom says,

"What do you want for breakfast?"

He looks at his mom and looks at his brother..

looks back at his mom and says, "I sure don't want no fuckin cornflakes!"

Little Suzie gets her period for the first time, so she goes to little Johnny and asks "Little Johnny what is going on?" Little Johnny replies, "I'm not a doctor Suzie, but I do believe someone ripped your nuts off."

"One day little johnny was playing with his toy train

and it was goin round and round when he stopped it he said,

"All u sons a bitches gettin on get on and all u sons a bitches gettin off get off."

His mother comes in and says, "What did u say young man? Go to your room and think about what u said!!" So after 4 hours his mother comes and says "Come eat supper and then u can play with your train again" So after supper little johnny goes back to his train and says,

"All u sons a bitches gettin on get on and all u sons a bitches gettin off get off and all u sons a bitches pissed off about the delay talk to the bitch in the kitchen!!!"

A nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue." The teacher responds, I'm sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray or orange..."
The second little boy says, "Trees are definitely green." The teacher says. "I'm sorry, but in the autumn, trees are orange."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks, "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher, looking horrified, says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!" Then Johnny says, "Then I DEFINATELY shit my pants..."

Little Johnny is in a class where every Friday the teacher asks a question

and if you get it right you don't have to go to school on Monday.

The first Friday the question was how many gallons of water is there in the whole world.

No one knew so they all had to go to school on Monday.

Next Friday the question was how many grains of sand is there in the whole world.

No one knew so they had to go to school on Monday.

By this time Little Johnny is getting mad because he doesn't want to go to school on Monday, so he paints two ping-pong balls black and the next Friday right before the teacher asked the question he rolled the two black ping-pong balls up to her.

She said, "Who is the comedian with two black balls?"

Little Johnny said, "Bill Cosby. See you on Tuesday"

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math
problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun,

how many would be left ?" "None.",replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking."

Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher neverously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?" "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you are thinking

Another day in class the teacher
brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about"

"Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red."

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored
him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple."

"No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish. Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking.

Here's another: it's long, yellow,
and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."

Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it it's round, hard,
and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries.

"That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like the way your thinking!

During the Great Depression, there was this man who walked into a bar one

day. He walked up to the bartender and said,

"Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a

round of drinks". The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle

of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first". The guy pulls out a

huge wad of bills and sets them on the bar. Well, the bartender can't beleive

what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?", asked the bartender.

"I'm a professional gambler", replied the man.

The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your

odds are 50-50 at best, right?". "Well, I only bet on sure things" said the guy.

"Like what?" asked the bartender.

"Well, for example, I'll bet you $50 that I can bite my right eye."

The bartender thought about it. "OK".

So, the guy pulls out his false right eye and bites it.

"Aw, you screwed me", said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50. "I'll give

you another chance. I'll bet you another $50 that I can bite my LEFT eye"

said the stranger. The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind,

I mean I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet". So, the guy pulls out his

false teeth and bites his left eye. "Aw, you screwed me again". "That's how I win

so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in leiu of

the $50", said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the

night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card

playing, he stumbled up to the bar.

The guy, drunk as a skunk, said, "Bartender, I'll give

you one last chance. I'll bet you $500 that I can stand on this bar here on

one foot and pee into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop"

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight

on two feet, much less one. "OK, you're on". The guy climbed up on the bar,

stood on one leg, and began peeing all over the place. He hit the bar, the

bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe

me $500!" The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's OK. I just bet each of

the guys in the card room $1000 each that I could pee all over you AND the bar and

still make you laugh!"

Magic Sex Pills:
A woman complained to her doctor that her husband never wanted sex anymore. He gave her a bottle of pills, telling her to put them in the husband's drink and her husband would be recharged.

The woman was filled with doubt, but she put one pill in his coffee that evening. That night they made out. The next morning, she put two in his coffee, and that night the sex was ecstatic. The next day, she said, "What the hell!" and dumped the entire bottle in the husband's coffee.

Sometime later, the doctor called to check on his patient's progress. The woman's son answered the phone. When the doctor asked how everyone was doing, the boy replied, "Mom's dead, Sis left home, the maid's pregnant, my ass hurts, and Dad is buck naked on the front lawn yelling, "Here, kitty, kitty.'"

Elbow Hurts:
A man complained to his friend, "My elbow hurts. I better go to the doctor." "Don't do that," volunteered his friend, "there's a new computer at the drugstore that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment."

The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he took a sample of urine down to the drugstore. Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and deposited $10. The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was printed:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks.

That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical science, he began to suspect fraud. To test his theory he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and teenage daughter. To top it all off, he masturbated into the jar. He took this concoction down to the drugstore, poured it in the machine and deposited $10.

The machine went through the same buzzing and flashing routine as before then printed out the following message: Your tap water has lead. Get a filter. Your dog has worms. Give him vitamins. Your daughter is on drugs. Get her in rehab. Your wife is pregnant. It's not your baby. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better

Last Updated:

Saturday - 13 Nov 2004

05:01 am